One time Wayne Coyne touched my butt.

this guy at the open mic last week said “if you love something let it go, and that’s why i let myself go” and I feel like I can really relate to that

fitting into average-sized spaces

my grill (get it)

I don't know anything funny to put for this one.
Now that I think about it, none of these are funny.
I am sorry.

Jesus.
and 5 other things that I can't think of right now because I have a headache.

Growing up I always thought girls shat out doves. Upon flushing, the dove and said female would lock eyes and come to an understanding of which each counterpart's next move is; the female to live on, the dove to start it's metamorphosis. When flushed and pushed through the sewer systems the dove would be processed and leave as a pigeon. And by this logic it explained why I had never seen a baby pigeon before.

probably eating. I just ate an entire 12.6oz of valentines day m&ms and I think I might go throw them up.

I was watching the Animal Planet channel and they say that when a coyote is trapped, it will eat its own foot off to get out of the trap.

you'll give me some lemons.
People are always talking about life handing you lemons but life has never handed me any stinkin' lemons. What a ripoff!