So recently, for a variety of reasons, I've had a need to explain exactly what my flavor of non-monogamy is. There are a -lot- of them out there, and while I've put down some disclaimers and dealbreakers in the past, I don't think I've ever specifically outlined my way of doing things. So, here's some of that.

As of this writing, I am in a serious, partnered relationship with one person. He's someone who I intend to get old with, have children with, and live with for what I hope will be very long and happy lives. As you might imagine, this relationship is deeply important to me.

At the moment, I am seeing one other person on a relatively regular basis. He's someone I'm still getting to know, but I'm extremely fond of him, and I see a real potential for the relationship to grow and blossom in future. This relationship is also important to me.

I do not like approaching any relationship as temporary. I'm not likely to get involved with someone who has plans to move out of the country in a year or is looking for some critical thing that I can't provide. While not all relationships I have need to have the possibility of "having a family, growing old and sitting in rocking chairs together," they do need to have the possibility of some measure of permanence and commitment, even if it's simply a commitment to always carve out a little bit of our busy schedules for each other. Sometimes you date for a few months and it just doesn't work, and of course that's fine, but I won't enter into a relationship that I know from the start won't work.

Many non-monogamous people are specifically seeking intertangled relationships with more than one other person (polyamorous types call these "triads" or "quads"). This isn't something I'm seeking, but it's also not something I would refuse if it landed in my lap. There's enough overlap in taste that it's entirely possible that my boyfriend and I might fall for the same girl, or I might fall for some mythically awesome couple out there. I think such arrangements are tricky at best, and require a lot of communication and upkeep (after all, there are four different relationships among three people), so anyone I got into that kind of arrangement with would have to be pretty damned extraordinary. If I never have a relationship of this type in my life, I don't think I'll be the worse for it, but I'm not saying it wouldn't be worth considering if it came along.

A lot of people have different opinions about how to relate to their partner's partners (another bit of terminology here, most of the faked up words that the poly set invents annoy me, but there's admittedly something charming about "metamour" as a name for the lover of your lover). For me there's a minimum requirement, which is that they can be friendly to me over dinner and make pleasant conversation should we end up having to pass a few minutes together. This, of course, beyond the obvious requirement that they have to not do damage to my partner or my relationship with them. Beyond that bare minimum, I find it optimal if my metamour and I get along as friends. I prefer that anyone who is an important part of my partner's life can be at least some part of mine. If my partner had a long term significant other who never wanted more to do with me than a polite nod here and there (or whom I found unpleasant to socialize with myself) I would find that disappointing. Metamours are kind of like in-laws in a way, you have to be able to get along with them okay for the sake of peace, but if you happen to get on particularly well it can be a very valuable and unique bond.

Some people like a lot of rules, some people think rules of any sort are a constriction. I come down firmly in the middle of this argument. I don't think that writing contracts and declaring ultimatums are conducive to a happy relationship, but I do like to sketch out some basic needs and agree to attempt to fulfill those needs for each other. The only absolutely hard and fast rule my partner and I have at the moment relates to safe sex, which seems like a no-brainer. Beyond that, we have a general guideline of how much time apart is too much, and what kind of notice we need about plans, and a commitment to communicating openly with each other. As we find wrinkles, we address them individually, rather than making blanket declarations about what can be said and done. This has worked for us, some people may prefer something more rigid, but I find that I don't mesh as well with those people.

This is the structure that has worked for me, so far. For the most part, the people I'm interested in dating need to be at least in the neighborhood of this structure as well. Ultimately, one's relationship structure should be about what works for them, so I'm not going to say that anyone who is not doing it my way is doing it wrong. I've met some people who I thought went about relationships in a way that was unhealthy for them and those around them, but ultimately than had more to do with emotional health than methodology.

This thing has gotten stupidly long, so I think I'll quit while I'm ahead.