AN EXCERPT FROM A DRUNKEN 3-PAGE HANDWRITTEN LIST ENTITLED "The Reasons of Nate Walsh"

32) Striking blue eyes when not donning glasses (NOT Devil Eyes).

33) *Clearly* no misguided delusions about wealth and prestige.

34) DOES NOT DRIVE SLOWLY DURING RAIN

35) Otherwise irritating two-toned hair makes for intriguing eyebrows.

36) Bardic knowledge. Could conceivably make a stew, assemble a small engine, play a lovely flute song. But no more than that.

37) Subtlety and wit: sit upon me like a cloak.

38) Given name is "Nathan," not "Nathaniel," thank Christ.

39) The contents of most spam emails do not apply to me.

40) My bellybutton is pierced in a sexy yet nonthreatening manner.

I moved out to the west coast, basically on a whim, and am now living in a basement like a troll, while I figure out what to do with myself. I'm a copywriter by trade, so this may include more agency work, full-time freelance (that's how I'm keeping alive at the moment), or maybe writing a Real Thing (whatever that is).

So, you know, basement-dwelling and unemployed. HELLO LADIES, right?

For like a week there, I was sort of Internet Famous (i.e., the best kind of famous) for this Craigslist ad I made for my car.

I really want to be the subject of a Craigslist Missed Connections post, so I try to make penetrating eye contact at everyone around me at all times. I can't believe this hasn't worked yet.

------------

As always, I'm keeping an eye out for:

-goth girls w/ sunny dispositions
-fellow karaoke enthusiasts
-my future archenemy
-pretty much anyone with an accent from the British isles

Forming sentences.
Googling.
Worrying.
Succeeding in spite of myself.
Mario Kart.
Ironing.
Karaoke (not so much "good" as "loud, and with many high kicks").
Throwing elaborate themed parties.
Remembering song lyrics.
Inventing themed shots and drinking games.
Holding doors for people (gender neutral).
Charmingly amateurish photoshopped images and GeoCities-style websites.
Hula hooping; I will kick your *ass* at hula hooping.

That I am singing when I should probably not be singing.

No one reads these, right?

BOOKS: Y - The Last Man, Sex Drugs & Cocoa Puffs, Harry Potter erotic fan fiction, The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle, Killing Yourself to Live, Scott Pilgrim, The Cheese Monkeys, Paper Towns, Achewood

MOVIES: Wizard People, Dear Reader, Rushmore, Brick, Shaun of the Dead, From Dusk 'Till Dawn, Babe 2: Pig in the City, Being John Malkovich, Hitch, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, The Brothers Bloom, Moon, In Bruges, Josie and the Pussycats, Ravenous, The Sandlot, anything with Nicolas Cage (but especially Zandalee)

TV: Community, Parks & Rec, 30 Rock, A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, Arrested Development, My Name Is Earl, Veronica Mars, Scrubs (Seasons 1 – 3), Clone High, Rob & Big, Wilfred, Gilmore Girls, The Soup, Look Around You (Series 1), Peep Show, Party Down, the Powerpuff Girls, the Magic Bullet infomercial, Mad Men, Man v. Food, It's Always Sunny, anything they force feed me on the Disney Channel, anything that glamorizes or self-aggrandizes writers and writing

MUSIC: Frightened Rabbit, Okkervil River, Old 97's, Oxford Collapse, Collin Herring, The Dismemberment Plan, The Blow, The Dakota Smith, The Walkmen, Menomena, Harry and the Potters, The Streets, Cold War Kids, Girl Talk, Sleigh Bells, The Hold Steady, The New Pornographers, Enon, Ted Leo and the Pharmacists, Fountains of Wayne, Shearwater, Neutral Milk Hotel, Mike Doughty, JJAMZ, Cults, Phantogram, anything I know the words to

FOOD: Artichokes, avocados, raw mushrooms, polenta, risotto, terrible generic buffalo chicken wraps, cilantro, feta, goat cheese, that shitty Kraft canned parmesan, bullshit newbie sushi

1. Somewhere to record my dumb, generally inappropriate thoughts
2. Pills
3. CAPS LOCK
4. Mild masochism
6. Elaborate, poorly conceived projects
7. Glitter

Myself. Portmanteaus. Time travel. What other people could possibly be thinking. What song lyrics mean. What anagrams words can be turned into. What I'd be like as a girl. Myspace angles. Nicolas Cage. Death.

Climbing shit, barfing in washing machines, etc.

I play this online paperdoll game for British teenage girls called Miss Bimbo. I am the 42nd best player in the world (Username: Groaneesha).

2ND PLACE:
I legitimately find Kim Kardashian attractive. :( :( :(

You are trainwrecky, but subclinical.

AND/OR

You wear more eye makeup than is strictly necessary.