Gordon Gekko + Clark Kent = me.

I practice private equity law at a firm downtown. I moved up here from Indy when the judge I was clerking for decided to retire.

Also, I'm taking small steps toward setting up a nonprofit. If I ever get it up and running, then I hope to sit on the board in my free time.

Researching.
Writing.
Sleeping.
Bumping into things.
Dropping things. (Cell phones, forks, wine glasses, sunglasses, huge bundles of files, infants, plates full of food, twelve packs of Sam Adams Winter Lager on my way to a friend's apartment to watch the Super Bowl.)

My commitment to defending freedom. I'm a captain of industry!

Books: The Catcher in the Rye, The Curmudgeon's Guide to Practicing Law, Never Eat Alone, the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Steve Jobs, Three Felonies a Day (scared the heck out of me).

Movies: American Beauty, the Big Lebowski, Casablanca, Casino Royale, the Departed, the Empire Strikes Back, the Godfather, It's a Wonderful Life, Lonesome Dove (except for the water moccasin scene), the Rock, Se7en.

Shows: Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother, Scrubs, Special Report with Brett Baier (the best hour of news on television). My sister is a reporter for CNN, but the show she regularly makes appearances on comes on during the day, so I never see it.

Music: Arctic Monkeys, The Beatles, Ben Folds, the Black Keys, the Bravery, Death Cab for Cutie, Eric Clapton, Franz Ferdinand, the Fratellis, Good Charlotte, the Killers, the Kooks, Jimmie Eat World, Modest Mouse, the New Rivals, the Offspring, Pink Floyd, the Postal Service, Red Hot Chili Peppers, the Rolling Stones, the Shins, the Strokes.

Food: Chinese. (Love the stuff. Can't get enough.) Italian. Mexican. Never really had Thai yet, but it's on my list. I'm also slowly but surely teaching myself to cook. (I suck at cooking a whole lot.)

(1) My iPhone. (His name is Spock.)
(2) My computer(s). (Personal laptop's name is Hal. Work laptop's name is Tron.)
(3) My car. (Her name is Abigail.)
(4) Red wine.
(5) A paycheck.
(6) My library card. (Shut up. Not one. Word.)

whether I should name my next dog Aslan or Rikki-Tikki-Tavi. (Take either name and I'll end you.)

Also, why girls won't let that stupid moustache meme die. It's really, really played. Let it go.

Finally, whether it still says I respond "very selectively." Makes me sound really rude. (Sorry.)

billing. Yes, I know. Your Friday nights are cooler than mine. You win.

is that I hate online dating profiles. (Mine included, actually.) On any given Saturday and/or Sunday, you can find me in at least one--and sometimes all--of the following places: a Starbucks, a bookstore, a library, or a gym. Knowing that, couldn't we at least contrive a situation that would allow us to pretend to do this the old-fashioned way? Examples follow.

You: Oh, gosh, I'm sorry, I just accidentally and unintentionally bumped into you not on purpose at all! *Awkward laugh*.
Me: Oh, that's all right. You didn't make me spill my drink, so I guess I owe you one. How about dinner tonight? *Gun fingas*.

Alternatively,

Me: So, do you come here often? Not that I'm asking because I've seen you here on multiple occasions while looking for an opening to come talk to you as opposed to just looking creepy. *Duck face a guy should never make*.
You: Yes, as a matter of fact, I do. And not just because I troll every bookstore in Lincoln Park just because some guy's online dating profile told me he did the same thing on Saturday mornings when we could both just as easily download on our iPads the books we're currently flipping through but have no intention of buying. *Breath*. Want to go find a Starbucks? *Brushes hair over ear*.

You get the idea.

So I used to have a spiel here about who should message me that I tried to design to repel the people who wouldn't get along with me and pique the interests of those who would. Which pretty much means I went out of my way to beat visitors over the head with a sarcasm stick. Everyone on here seems to think they have to burnish their sarcasm credentials as though they were some kind of currency, and that's what I was doing.

But whatever. Here's the real answer:

You should message me or, alternatively, respond to my messages--see what I did there?--if you've read my profile, question answers, and explanations, and you think we'd click. Also, if you're interested in actually dating at some point. Unfortunately, I'm not interested in chatting online for three months or until one of us loses interest, whichever comes first. After messaging a few times, we should go grab coffee, drinks, or dinner, possibly in connection with some other activity that I may plan. That's a date. Not up for "hanging out." You shouldn't be, either, because high standards--heck, any standards--are a good thing. Finally, if you're capable of asking me a question in your message. Nothing kills an online conversation faster than a stand-alone declarative sentence. (Also, I totally just sent someone a well-thought-out message, and only after sending it did I realize that I broke my own rule about always asking questions. So that's awesome.)

Friends?