Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
3. Classically educated
4. Can boil pasta water sarcastically
5. Swell as fuck
5.5. Was a slutty car salesman for Halloween
9. No limp
10. Batteries included
11. Dislikes sour cream
12. Attached earlobes
13. Doesn't have an online dating profile
15. Just date me
I'm a sasshole. Sarcastic, sassy, and I have an asshole.
I avoid idioms like no tomorrow.
I give twerking lessons.
Chrome's spellcheck doesn't recognize "twerking" as a word. Or
"spellcheck". Maybe I should switch it back to English.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Not living in the wilderness
bragging about myself on the Internet
celling. And by that I mean that I am a cellist. Like I've played
the cello for 13 years. I'm pretty alright. Swoon at my feet.
not practicing my cello at all anymore and using that confession as
an excuse to avoid showcasing my quickly-fading abilities.
not giving a fcuk.
not giving a chainsaw.
using moderately obscure references and assuming no one will be
confused by them.
using gargantuan words and stuff so i seem more smarter
coming across as a total douchecruiser.
being a total douchecruiser.
creating derogatory terms such as 'douchecruiser'.
suing people for copyright infringement when they use the word
'douchecruiser' without my permission, because I'm poor.
being the douchecruiser incarnate.
sad attempts at self-deprecating humor.
mediocre attempts at self-referential humor.
referencing the fact that I have utilized self-referential
deluding myself into thinking I am clever.
deriving comfort from the fact that at least I'm probably more
clever than you.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
is that I was named after a famous British author, and am
therefore, statistically speaking, better than you.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
Skymall, Goodnight Moon, my own autobiography
Really introspective art house films, like Super Troopers and
Backdoor Sluts 8 (not 9, 9 went off in a weird direction and was
clearly a last ditch attempt at a money maker for the
Da Ali G Show
House Of Cards
Nathan For You
The Chaser's War on Everything
Tim & Eric Awesome Show Great Job
Lots of metal, jazz fusion, classical, electronic, and the sound of
small children screaming in pain
The only things I would never willingly eat again are sour cream,
human flesh, and stillborns.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
most of my non-vestigial bodily organs
I took that question literally. And that was not the function of
the query. I'm honestly unsure why I don't have my own show on
Comedy Central by now.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
a world without bummers, man, ya know?
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
wondering if "typical" Friday nights dislike being stereotyped and
would go to great lengths to do things that weren't so
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
you despise fun, laughter, and orgasms.
Also, and more importantly, if you're capable of independent
Who are you looking for?
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