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22 New Brunswick, NJ Man


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I’m looking for

  • Women
  • Ages 18–30
  • Near me
  • Who are single
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, casual sex

My details

Last online
Yesterday – 6:57pm
6′ 2″ (1.88m)
Body Type
Mostly anything
When drinking
Very often
Buddhism, and laughing about it
Art / Music / Writing
Doesn’t have kids
Likes dogs and likes cats
English (Fluently), Spanish (Poorly)
My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
Don't take this too seriously.

1. Tall
2. Musician
3. Classically educated
4. Can boil pasta water sarcastically
5. Swell as fuck
5.5. Was a slutty car salesman for Halloween
6. Ebola-free
7. Pacifist
8. Pseudo-intellectual
9. No limp
10. Batteries included
11. Dislikes sour cream
12. Attached earlobes
13. Doesn't have an online dating profile
14. ???
15. Just date me

I'm a sasshole. Sarcastic, sassy, and I have an asshole.
I avoid idioms like no tomorrow.
I give twerking lessons.
Chrome's spellcheck doesn't recognize "twerking" as a word. Or "spellcheck". Maybe I should switch it back to English.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
lol k
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Not living in the wilderness

bragging about myself on the Internet

celling. And by that I mean that I am a cellist. Like I've played the cello for 13 years. I'm pretty alright. Swoon at my feet.

not practicing my cello at all anymore and using that confession as an excuse to avoid showcasing my quickly-fading abilities.


not giving a fcuk.


not giving a chainsaw.

using moderately obscure references and assuming no one will be confused by them.

using gargantuan words and stuff so i seem more smarter

coming across as a total douchecruiser.

being a total douchecruiser.

creating derogatory terms such as 'douchecruiser'.

suing people for copyright infringement when they use the word 'douchecruiser' without my permission, because I'm poor.

being the douchecruiser incarnate.

sad attempts at self-deprecating humor.

mediocre attempts at self-referential humor.

referencing the fact that I have utilized self-referential humor.

deluding myself into thinking I am clever.

deriving comfort from the fact that at least I'm probably more clever than you.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
is that I was named after a famous British author and am therefore, statistically speaking, better than you.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.

Skymall, Goodnight Moon, my own autobiography


Really introspective art house films, like Super Troopers and Backdoor Sluts 8 (not 9, 9 went off in a weird direction and was clearly a last ditch attempt at a money maker for the franchise)


Da Ali G Show
House Of Cards
South Park
Nathan For You
The Chaser's War on Everything
Robot Chicken
Tim & Eric Awesome Show Great Job


Lots of metal, jazz fusion, classical, electronic, and the sound of small children screaming in pain


The only things I would never willingly eat again are sour cream, human flesh, and stillborns.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
dihydrogen monoxide
most of my non-vestigial bodily organs

I took that question literally. And that was not the function of the query. I'm honestly unsure why I don't have my own show on Comedy Central by now.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
a world without bummers, man, ya know?
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
wondering if "typical" Friday nights dislike being stereotyped and would go to great lengths to do things that weren't so "predictable".
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I have a vagina fetish.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
you despise fun, laughter, and orgasms.
Also, and more importantly, if you're capable of independent thought.