Sometimes when you're browsing a site like this, you're going to step on a beartrap. It happens. It's not like you needed that foot, anyway.
Here we go.
Later autumn 2011. I used to be some fresh-faced college kid who never left his dorm room, back when I joined this website in the stone age of the internet. I LIVED ON GONDWANA BACK THEN. (GO GO GONDWANA GONORRHEA BACTERIA! ... We went with the team mascots we had back then. Still beats the Laurasia Lampreys.) Now I'm just some dusty old fossil, full of dusty old bones and repeated terrible jokes. (Your'e here for THOSE. Not because you're completely out of other options or generally incapable of romantically connecting with other human beings without the help of computers. And odds are, even a computer might have a hard time pimping you. I WOULD KNOW-I USED TO BE A COMPUTER. Funny story - you're never going to hear the details.)
Previously, I referred to this profile as my hellish bastion of internet dating mediocrity! But obviously, what started as figuring, "HEY I HATE PEOPLE MAYBE THE INTERNET WILL HELP ME MEET LADIES WHO HATE PEOPLE TOO," eventually turned into my attempting to initiate a sort of OKcupid profile black hole. My hope was that lumping so much garbage together would eventually lead to a sort of gravitational collapse by which the whole of the website would no longer be able to escape the crushing gravitational pull of its wasted time. It's still pretty much that. Terrible performance art. The likes of which you were neither looking for, nor which is a welcome discovery. This whole paradigm's been busted wide open. I'm a champion, I'm afraid.
You know how there was that forest - or conversely, network of dark alleys - not far off in your childhood? The place you feared wandering into and getting lost forever? The literal and existential labyrinth straight out of your nightmares? That's what this profile is the OKcupid equivalent of. If you're here, you're probably lost. This is where I have to point you in the direction of that back button atop your web browser - or perhaps that shiny, red candy-like X button. Either will serve your purpose in providing the escape you likely seek. Should you choose to stick around, consider yourself warned - there's no turning back, and you'll never be the same again. Unless I'm wrong.
I am an artist. My media are words and making women leave. As previously established, this profile is an exercise in both. However, my writing on this profile is also some of the absolute worst I've ever produced. And there aren't enough hints hidden here to direct you to the good stuff. Not even Google can save you. Sometimes I also make pasta levitate. These things are not related.
At times, the nature of my artistry switches to martial. I've got a Zork-belt in Handlebar Mustache-Fu. And that's pretty tough to get when you can't grow a decent mustache to save your life. ... And before you ask, yes, Zork IS an actual color. In order to see it, you must seek out the great Talah Rama at the bottom of the Monkey Cave! (Bring lots of protractors. Monkeys like those things a lot for some reason. I'm thinking it has something to do with all that natural gas inhalation. By the way, you won't survive.) Or go watch Daler Mehndi's Tunak Tunak Tun music video and be enlightened. You know you want to. The number of internet references in this profile is, I regret to inform you, a leading cause of cancer. I AM A CANCER-CAUSING AGENT. I WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT.
I'm a postgraduate at this point, and have been for longer than I care to articulate until later in this profile. Grad school efforts unfortunately did not work out, so I've had to take the whole continual daily learning thing into my own hands with the help of the internet. I'm embarrassingly still not part of the 'real world' yet for someone my age - though this is a problem the whole of Gen Y is known to be facing, nobody wants to be at home at this age - but while my novels are as of yet unpublished, I'm still making at least some money on my words. FREELANCING ISN'T FREE.
Anyway, red flags. Red lights. Piles of them. Waving and blinking in solidarity with abject horror. The whole of this profile. Also blue lights. 3D effects, just like those movies you don't want to see anymore. A green light is a red light in your dreams tonight. It's like a battle. Battle.
More nonsense pruned. Nonsense that was here for millennia and was never funny in the first place. Struggling writer. Tortured artist. None of the nonsense people romanticize that with - there's nothing romantic about it.
I'm a bitter elitist when it comes to all my passions, film, literature, music, comedy, video games, anime, and manga. (I'm not one of those anime fans that will give you seizures with their prattling, either. I promise. It doesn't play half the role in my life now that it did in high school and college. OH GOD WHY DID I EVEN WRITE THIS) I'm something of a hermit (Half by choice), an ubergeek, a humanistic misanthrope (Emphasis on the misanthropy), nearly nocturnal, and an all-around jerk.
Yes! But honestly - and obviously - I'm a pretty flawed scrap of humanity, as if my being on a site like this doesn't say enough. (Way to go, entire userbase on an online dating site. We're AWESOME. And many of you scare the hell out of me. Let's not have any murder, thanks.) I can be a downer, and as sometimes you need a designated rainer-upon-parades, I'm good at being that guy. (The schadenfreude I get from your personal suffering gives me POWER. Political power.)
It goes without saying that I'm more trouble than I'm worth, but that's most people. Establishing this is redundant. I'm boring you. It's also been established by now, but I DO cause cancer. Not the good kind, either. And for the sake of establishing it, let's just say I hate everyone and everything. (Not unlike that neighbor kid you strangled with the hose last summer and buried under your back porch. I know about that. I know EVERYTHING.) Yes.
Have you closed the window or hit the back button yet? Have you? I tend not to meet people's standards - I strive for this. (At least, I'm not Johnny Depp. Sorry, ladies, you'll have to look for your mediocre J.M. Barrie film adaptations elsewhere! I could probably write some poetry in blood, though. But that might not turn out so well.) As such, if you're female and looking for a romantic connection, you'd best move along. I will NOT star in your sappy romantic comedy - any romantic comedy I'm involved in will be full of awkwardness and dead baby jokes. Sorry, regulations demand them. By the way, how many dead babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? They can't, no matter how many you have, they're all still dead. And also babies. Yeah. I never promised good jokes. Who do I look like, Eddie Pepitone?
I'm also an INFP, but all that really means is that I'm essentially retarded in all the ways that prevent most people from understanding me. (This is actually to your benefit.) And now that I'm fully aware of the campaign against the use of a certain offensive word in the previous sentence here, I feel rotten for having used it at all. And yet I still didn't change it.
I've broken OKcupid before, back when personality awards were still a thing and I collected basically all of the terrible ones. The new personality tab doesn't make me look much better, though. I WIN. I will NEVER look appealing on a dating site. I've made a commitment to that. What good is one of these profiles unless every visitor is left questioning whether or not it's fake? I know you're out there, goons.
I can't be the only person who feels guilty when they give people bad ratings on Quickmatch.
I also wonder why the tongue-in-cheek "stalkers" section of the site was changed to "visitors." Stalkers has a much more interesting ring to it. (AND IT'S MORE HONEST AND YOU KNOW IT. (Says the guy who makes a point of never actually messaging people on this site.))
PS. This is secretly the greatest profile on the entirety of OKcupid. No other profile will ever compare again and reading it in its entirety will break you for life. This is an experience you can and will only love or hate - there is no in between. THERE IS NO LIKE OR DISLIKE NOR EVEN NEUTRAL. (There is only Zod.)
I am eccentric, bitter, and avoidant
Oh hey, this awkwardly ends with my old self-descriptor keywords now too. I'm afraid that if you made it this far, it's too late for you. And for everyone.