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31 Raleigh, NC Man


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I’m looking for

  • Women
  • Ages 23-28
  • Located anywhere
  • Who are single
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating

My details

Last online
Nov 22
Relationship Type
Strictly monogamous
5' 7" (1.70m)
Body Type
Not at all
Atheism and laughing about it
Doesn’t have kids and doesn’t want them
Has dogs
English (Fluently), Japanese (Somewhat), Chinese (Somewhat)
My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
For a lack of anything better to do - this is not true, I'm opening with a lie - I decided to take a hammer to this thing again. Guess it's 2011-relevant now. Just what you were waiting for. I could tell from the suicide rate of those reading this. What once was a near-perfect clusterfuck is now a slightly more near-perfect clusterfuck.

Sometimes when you're browsing a site like this, you're going to step on a beartrap. It happens. It's not like you needed that foot, anyway.

Here we go.

Later autumn 2011. I used to be some fresh-faced college kid who never left his dorm room, back when I joined this website in the stone age of the internet. I LIVED ON GONDWANA BACK THEN. (GO GO GONDWANA GONORRHEA BACTERIA! ... We went with the team mascots we had back then. Still beats the Laurasia Lampreys.) Now I'm just some dusty old fossil, full of dusty old bones and repeated terrible jokes. (Your'e here for THOSE. Not because you're completely out of other options or generally incapable of romantically connecting with other human beings without the help of computers. And odds are, even a computer might have a hard time pimping you. I WOULD KNOW-I USED TO BE A COMPUTER. Funny story - you're never going to hear the details.)

Previously, I referred to this profile as my hellish bastion of internet dating mediocrity! But obviously, what started as figuring, "HEY I HATE PEOPLE MAYBE THE INTERNET WILL HELP ME MEET LADIES WHO HATE PEOPLE TOO," eventually turned into my attempting to initiate a sort of OKcupid profile black hole. My hope was that lumping so much garbage together would eventually lead to a sort of gravitational collapse by which the whole of the website would no longer be able to escape the crushing gravitational pull of its wasted time. It's still pretty much that. Terrible performance art. The likes of which you were neither looking for, nor which is a welcome discovery. This whole paradigm's been busted wide open. I'm a champion, I'm afraid.

You know how there was that forest - or conversely, network of dark alleys - not far off in your childhood? The place you feared wandering into and getting lost forever? The literal and existential labyrinth straight out of your nightmares? That's what this profile is the OKcupid equivalent of. If you're here, you're probably lost. This is where I have to point you in the direction of that back button atop your web browser - or perhaps that shiny, red candy-like X button. Either will serve your purpose in providing the escape you likely seek. Should you choose to stick around, consider yourself warned - there's no turning back, and you'll never be the same again. Unless I'm wrong.

I am an artist. My media are words and making women leave. As previously established, this profile is an exercise in both. However, my writing on this profile is also some of the absolute worst I've ever produced. And there aren't enough hints hidden here to direct you to the good stuff. Not even Google can save you. Sometimes I also make pasta levitate. These things are not related.

At times, the nature of my artistry switches to martial. I've got a Zork-belt in Handlebar Mustache-Fu. And that's pretty tough to get when you can't grow a decent mustache to save your life. ... And before you ask, yes, Zork IS an actual color. In order to see it, you must seek out the great Talah Rama at the bottom of the Monkey Cave! (Bring lots of protractors. Monkeys like those things a lot for some reason. I'm thinking it has something to do with all that natural gas inhalation. By the way, you won't survive.) Or go watch Daler Mehndi's Tunak Tunak Tun music video and be enlightened. You know you want to. The number of internet references in this profile is, I regret to inform you, a leading cause of cancer. I AM A CANCER-CAUSING AGENT. I WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT.

I'm a postgraduate at this point, and have been for longer than I care to articulate until later in this profile. Grad school efforts unfortunately did not work out, so I've had to take the whole continual daily learning thing into my own hands with the help of the internet. I'm embarrassingly still not part of the 'real world' yet for someone my age - though this is a problem the whole of Gen Y is known to be facing, nobody wants to be at home at this age - but while my novels are as of yet unpublished, I'm still making at least some money on my words. FREELANCING ISN'T FREE.

Anyway, red flags. Red lights. Piles of them. Waving and blinking in solidarity with abject horror. The whole of this profile. Also blue lights. 3D effects, just like those movies you don't want to see anymore. A green light is a red light in your dreams tonight. It's like a battle. Battle.

More nonsense pruned. Nonsense that was here for millennia and was never funny in the first place. Struggling writer. Tortured artist. None of the nonsense people romanticize that with - there's nothing romantic about it.

I'm a bitter elitist when it comes to all my passions, film, literature, music, comedy, video games, anime, and manga. (I'm not one of those anime fans that will give you seizures with their prattling, either. I promise. It doesn't play half the role in my life now that it did in high school and college. OH GOD WHY DID I EVEN WRITE THIS) I'm something of a hermit (Half by choice), an ubergeek, a humanistic misanthrope (Emphasis on the misanthropy), nearly nocturnal, and an all-around jerk.

Yes! But honestly - and obviously - I'm a pretty flawed scrap of humanity, as if my being on a site like this doesn't say enough. (Way to go, entire userbase on an online dating site. We're AWESOME. And many of you scare the hell out of me. Let's not have any murder, thanks.) I can be a downer, and as sometimes you need a designated rainer-upon-parades, I'm good at being that guy. (The schadenfreude I get from your personal suffering gives me POWER. Political power.)

It goes without saying that I'm more trouble than I'm worth, but that's most people. Establishing this is redundant. I'm boring you. It's also been established by now, but I DO cause cancer. Not the good kind, either. And for the sake of establishing it, let's just say I hate everyone and everything. (Not unlike that neighbor kid you strangled with the hose last summer and buried under your back porch. I know about that. I know EVERYTHING.) Yes.

Have you closed the window or hit the back button yet? Have you? I tend not to meet people's standards - I strive for this. (At least, I'm not Johnny Depp. Sorry, ladies, you'll have to look for your mediocre J.M. Barrie film adaptations elsewhere! I could probably write some poetry in blood, though. But that might not turn out so well.) As such, if you're female and looking for a romantic connection, you'd best move along. I will NOT star in your sappy romantic comedy - any romantic comedy I'm involved in will be full of awkwardness and dead baby jokes. Sorry, regulations demand them. By the way, how many dead babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? They can't, no matter how many you have, they're all still dead. And also babies. Yeah. I never promised good jokes. Who do I look like, Eddie Pepitone?

I'm also an INFP, but all that really means is that I'm essentially retarded in all the ways that prevent most people from understanding me. (This is actually to your benefit.) And now that I'm fully aware of the campaign against the use of a certain offensive word in the previous sentence here, I feel rotten for having used it at all. And yet I still didn't change it.

I've broken OKcupid before, back when personality awards were still a thing and I collected basically all of the terrible ones. The new personality tab doesn't make me look much better, though. I WIN. I will NEVER look appealing on a dating site. I've made a commitment to that. What good is one of these profiles unless every visitor is left questioning whether or not it's fake? I know you're out there, goons.

I can't be the only person who feels guilty when they give people bad ratings on Quickmatch.

I also wonder why the tongue-in-cheek "stalkers" section of the site was changed to "visitors." Stalkers has a much more interesting ring to it. (AND IT'S MORE HONEST AND YOU KNOW IT. (Says the guy who makes a point of never actually messaging people on this site.))

PS. This is secretly the greatest profile on the entirety of OKcupid. No other profile will ever compare again and reading it in its entirety will break you for life. This is an experience you can and will only love or hate - there is no in between. THERE IS NO LIKE OR DISLIKE NOR EVEN NEUTRAL. (There is only Zod.)


最近,彼はあんまり日本語を放しません. すまん!

大学に三年勉強しました. 2007の12月に卒業しました.


俺の上手は終わった. 何時か上手に成るかな.



I am eccentric, bitter, and avoidant

Oh hey, this awkwardly ends with my old self-descriptor keywords now too. I'm afraid that if you made it this far, it's too late for you. And for everyone.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
Bending spoons with my mind and taking on intergalactic invaders who align themselves with fat kids for no conceivable reason other than their name being "Pokey." (And I'm not talking about the penguin here. You'd best be part of his posse.) Disturbing. Otherwise, having graduated roughly four years ago after 5 years of college for a 4-year degree, I'm throwing query-bricks through agents' windows for my first novel and presently working on my second. While technically only a published author in the smallest sense - through a comedy short story a few years back - I'm working on finding other venues of publishing for smaller pieces as well. So yes, this guy (And my referring to myself in those terms reminds you how awesome I am.) has actually begun to CONTRIBUTE TO LITERATURE. And now I'm also a freelancer, running through assignments with my razor-wit keyboardery. Selling stuff on sites that draw a fairly sizable - probably mostly hipster - crowd. Anyway, for a stupid idealist who wants to do something meaningful and substantive with his life instead of working a 9-5 job that bleeds away my will to live - no thank you to the wageslaving and grand corporate trap - I'm actually failing at life less than in the past. Why am I updating this with good news like that? That goes against my efforts to paint myself as the singularly WORST PERSON on this entire site. (Also, worst person should be a new perspective from which to write.)

I'm not the most sociable of people in the world, between my introversion and the fact that my friends are scattered everywhere but locally. The original content of this paragraph has been altered enough that I can't really segue cleanly into the rest of my thoughts from back then now. Anyone else would look at the rest of this profile and say, "WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!? DROP THAT SHIT!" This won't be happening. Instead, we're going to jump HORRIBLY UNCOMFORTABLY into some moldy old thoughts on internet dating. THIS ENTIRE PROFILE IS A HORRIFIC TEMPORAL TRAINWRECK. GOING DOWN THE FRANKENHOLE!

It's interesting how we use the digital barriers we do to segregate ourselves from one another when so many of us - even young and attractive people, somehow - turn to the internet in search of connections with fellow human beings. We're either all really defective or really neurotic - ESPECIALLY those of you who claim to be neither. My vote goes to both. In a lot of ways, we now use technology to filter our experiences in existence so much that we seem to have lost some of what ability we once had to reach out to one another and live a life - and connect - unfiltered. I'm not going to start rambling about how technology is ruining us or anything like that here - I don't think that it necessarily has. But it has certainly changed us. There's no question of that. And part of these changes made has amounted to making us inevitably less well-equipped to deal with certain things in life, while we compensate for that with new strengths. I feel like the confident facades we wear these days are increasingly transparent. Oh, hey, after the big deal I made of things in that last paragraph, I ended up altering and updating these moldy old thoughts a fair amount. Looks like I lied in that paragraph. I could go back and end it, but NO. Stream of consciousness.

Further aimless thoughts. Conceptually speaking, it might be nice actually experience a normal, healthy relationship at some point. Having not known one of those things that wasn't ultimately really terrible. Preferably before I hit 30 and life is over, according to most of America. (How much more maladjusted can I get? LET'S RUN THIS SHIT INTO THE GROUND) If it doesn't happen, then it doesn't happen, of course. Previously in this part of my profile, I noted my lack of desperation, particularly as compared to the bulk of the OKcupid userbase. Looking around all these years later, I still get that same sense, but I deleted those previous thoughts because they made me sound like an asshole. (As though the rest of this profile doesn't.) And now I've just restated that. What have I accomplished?

REMINDER! I am as insignificant as anybody else. And I like to play Smash Bros. WITH items turned on and on stages OTHER than Final Destination. (TAKE THAT.)

Being an introvert, I'm pretty solitary anyway. So I spend a good bit of time writing on a regular basis. Otherwise, I'm gradually figuring out this whole existence thing. It's ridiculous and largely meaningless, but one may as well laugh along, for a lack of better alternatives. Eventually, I'll just have to scrap the whole 'become a decent human being' plan and just form a personality cult instead. Queue up, everybody!

A lot of my boring life comes down to a need to escape the south. As I've been wanting to do for a huge part of my life now. I'd explain my weird cultural identity of alienation and rejection here, but you probably aren't interested in hearing about that on top of all of this garbage. I've written about it in long form in more eloquent - less haha-OKcupid-is-stupid-let's-troll-this-site - terms on my blog elsewhere, anyway. One of the few pieces of evidence that I might have a shred of talent with words.

Not exactly confident that good things'll happen in the future, but boundless optimism isn't exactly all that smart anyway. Obviously, given this profile's design, I don't tend to meet a lot of people on this site - maybe one or two once or twice a year. (I never message people first, so stalker tag occasionally ensues.) Never had a relationship result from this site (Though most people on here don't particularly move me, anyway, so that's probably no loss.), but I've met some interesting people here and there. Worthwhile conversations, and so forth. No regrets on that. I wouldn't exactly wish a relationship with me on my worst enemy. (Yes, that's right, it'd be too horrible for even Mecha-Hitler-Zilla from the Nebulon Galaxy. And that thing's one of history's greatest abominations. Nobody likes his style.) But then, why would I want to date an enemy!? (Unless it was the setup for a betrayal followed by a climactic battle with knives atop a speeding bullet train. I will also be wearing a tearaway mustache and muttonchops in this scene to heighten the drama of the moment.)

Anyway, I can always use a decent conversation, so if you're bored and looking for someone to talk to - LADIES (This is the interjection that drives you off. I promise.) - I could probably distract you for a bit.

Oh, and on the note of hobbies, I have an inordinate amount of love for the Nintendo DS, Wii, oh, and now that Nintendo 3DS too. Just thought I'd note that, because it's probably more meaningful than anything else in this part of my profile. Have your eyes fallen out from reading it yet? Have they? You get a cookie if they do.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Scaring people, being difficult to approach, generally being one of the stranger specimens of humanity, OBVIOUSLY BRAGGING. I'm good at driving people away with my cynicism too. THINGS ARE UNCOOL. Some things are not. Conflicted? Such is my power.

I'm not the most memorable of people either, so I'm actually ALMOST capable of turning invisible - almost. (And what woman doesn't start salivating at the thought of being charmed by a comic book character reject? You can call me the Burt Bacharach of the internet. That's right.) I don't have much of a life in the traditional sense, so you can pretty much rely on catching me online. (Especially at night. Writers like night.) I'm pretty sure there's nobody better than me than the whole irony and sarcasm thing on the entire surface of the earth. I'm amazing like that, but surely you already knew this. Plus, there's the whole elitism shtick. And I'm technically functional as a writer some of the time... okay, maybe calling me a hack would be a compliment. Maybe. I'm still getting paid to do it, so maybe that lends me a kernel of credence. And I'm good at (some) video games (I can roll the entire planet up into a Katamari like there's no tomorrow... because when I do, there isn't). Clearly that's taken me far.

Technically I AM internet whoring - running both an odd writing blog updated whenever I feel like it and TWEETING ON THE TWITTERS O BOY - but I don't have a ton of followers or readers, either. So I wouldn't say I'm necessarily "good" at either.

I'm probably good at being boring too. Probably. I'm good at being honest too, particularly, brutally honest. The kind of honesty that only really works while brandishing a butcher knife. I'm good at ranting and rambling too. And I'm also good at making you click out of this window, or on the back button. Which you should have done by now. Do it. Do it now!
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
Probably my hair - I'm a dark blond, and I tend to let my hair grow down to my shoulders for a good bit of the year. (Though I tend to cut it a bit shorter - though never too short - during warmer weather.) It's not uncommon for people to want to touch it, since I actually take care of it. There are much worse things. Number two would probably be my eyes. They're creepy zombie eyes! They stare into your soul. And eerie music plays. Until you get me with zombie paper anyway. Then I'm screwed.

Most people tend to assume that I'm younger than I am too. People have largely stopped guessing my exact age now, but the subject, when brought up, is always made into a point of discomfort. Don't worry, I don't even exist yet.

Far as looks in general go, I'm not exactly Handsome McPrinceCharming either. But then, that's probably to my benefit, seeing as that's not my personality. You already know this by now. I'm just talking down to you.

More often than not, though, I don't get noticed at all. That's for the best, methinks, nothing about me is eye candy. And I prefer being inconspicuous - it makes observing people without their realizing a far simpler task. GHOST MODE (like Mike Tyson)

My pictures are all so ridiculously out of date at this point that they're just there to repulse you. Because that's why I'm on a site like OKCupid, right? Right. Good that we've gotten this cleared up. (I'm extremely avoidant of those soul-stealing devices. I have a 3DS now, of course, so maybe I should actually take some terrible new low-res photos with that where you can't tell how unattractive I am. Maybe something with my Mii - I can't compete with that guy.) Try not to look at those photos too long-I might destroy your retinas. You should take better care of your eyes than that, because if you train them, you can shoot laser beams, and there is never a bad time for laser beams. Not even a funeral. Nothing livens up a good mourning over old Uncle Ted's untimely passing than a laser light show in which thirteen people are reduced to piles of ashes. (It's a good thing I wasn't invited to that Kennedy funeral... see? Topical humor! Proof that I once updated this clusterfuck of a profile in 2009. This is a grave occasion.)
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
Time to break this down in a generic manner! Oh yeahh, breakitdown! (Gratuitous reference to Wrecking Crew on the NES goes here, simply because nobody remembers that game, and that makes the Eggplant Men sad)

(a) NOVELS: Haruki Murakami! Hardboiled Wonderland and The End of the World, Dance Dance Dance, After Dark, Sputnik Sweetheart, The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle, A Wild Sheep Chase, The Elephant Vanishes, Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman, South of the Border, West of the Sun, After the Quake, Norwegian Wood, and Kafka on the Shore. I need 1Q84 badly. Kurt Vonnegut! Slaughterhouse-five, The Sirens of Titan, Welcome to the Monkey House, Hocus Pocus, God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater, Timequake, and Jailbird. (Still working on everything of his.) JD Salinger! The Catcher in the Rye, Franny and Zooey, Nine Stories. Tom Robbins! Skinny Legs and All, Still Life with Woodpecker, Even Cowgirls Get the Blues, Another Roadside Attraction, Jitterbug Perfume, Half Asleep in Frog Pajamas. Christopher Moore! A Dirty Job, Bloodsucking Fiends, You Suck, Bite Me, and Coyote Blue. The Great Gatsby by F.Scott Fitzgerald, Philip K. Dick's Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? (I need to read more of Dick's works - movies based on his work are consistently at least good, and often great.) Sarah Vowell's The Partly Cloudy Patriot and Take the Cannoli - saw her live years ago, still catching up on her work. Ken Kesey's One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, David Sedaris' works. Naturally, I've also read John Hodgman's The Areas of My Expertise and More Information Than You Require. (And as such, I am now in possession of COMPLETE WORLD KNOWLEDGE - or I will be once I get my hands on a copy of That Is All.)

As far as comics go, I'm a big fan of Sidekicks, by J. Torres and Takeshi Miyazawa, Ghost World by Daniel Clowes, and tons of manga, Saishuu Heiki Kanojo (She, The Ultimate Weapon) by Shin Takahashi, Kareshi Kanojo no Jijou (His and Her Circumstances) by Masami Tsuda, School Rumble by Jin Kobayashi, Genshiken by Kio Shimoku, Suzuka by Kouji Seo, Sayonara Zetsubou-Sensei by Koji Kumeta, and Twin Spica by Kou Yaginuma.

(b) I'm an elitist foreign and indie film junkie (And shameless culture junkie in general - so long as the (pop) culture in question isn't terrible, anyway), as I mentioned before... so anyway, getting to it, my favorite films include Last Life in the Universe (Pen-ek Ratanaruang!), Before Sunrise, Before Sunset, A Scanner Darkly (Richard Linklater!), Lost in Translation, The Virgin Suicides (Sofia Coppola!), Ghost World, Art School Confidential, (Terry Zwigoff and Dan Clowes!), Amelie, Micmacs (Jean-Pierre Jeunet!), Serenity (Joss Whedon!), Good Bye, Lenin! (Wolfgang Becker!), Bottle Rocket, Rushmore, The Royal Tenenbaums, The Darjeeling Limited, The Life Aquatic, Fantastic Mr. Fox (Wes Anderson! Yes, white people love Wes Anderson.), Donnie Darko, Southland Tales (Richard Kelly! Even if Southland Tales was kind of a clusterfuck, it was an ENTERTAINING clusterfuck.), The Squid and the Whale, Margot at the Wedding, Greenberg (Noah Baumbach!) Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Adaptation, Synecdoche, New York (Charlie Kaufman! And also Michel Gondry and Spike Jonze), The Princess and the Warrior, Run Lola Run (Tom Tykwer!), Broken Flowers, Dead Man, The Limits of Control (One of the coolest, most abstract movies in ages), Ghost Dog: Way of the Samurai (Jim Jarmusch!), Sharkskin Man and Peach Hip Girl, The Taste of Tea, Party7, Funky Forest: The First Contact (Katsuhito Ishii!), Requiem for a Dream, The Fountain (Darren Aronofsky! Pi and The Wrestler were good too.), Dolls, Kikujiro (Takeshi Kitano!), Brick, The Brothers Bloom (Rian Johnson!), Paprika, Tokyo Godfathers, Millennium Actress (Satoshi Kon!), The Station Agent, Win Win (Thomas McCarthy!), This is Spinal Tap, A Mighty Wind (Christopher Guest!), Kung-Fu Hustle (Stephen Chow!), The Weather Man, Winter Passing, Rocket Science, Kill Bill, Garden State, (500) Days of Summer, Wet Hot American Summer, Dear Wendy, Hanna, The Fall, The Chumscrubber, Blade Runner, Mystery Team, The Go-Getter, Election, Broken Wings, I Heart Huckabees, Thumbsucker, Me and You and Everyone We Know, Shopgirl, Blue Valentine, Igby Goes Down, Attack the Block, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, Wasabi, House of Flying Daggers, The Science of Sleep, Paris Je'taime, Little Miss Sunshine, Up in the Air, Never Let Me Go , Midnight in Paris (Woody Allen in general, really), Submarine, The Kids are All Right, The Social Network, Trainspotting, Pirate Radio, Once, Akira Kurosawa and Zhang Yimou films, and THE LIST NEVER ENDS. Movies on my to-see list at the moment include: 24 Hour Party People, Cashback.

(c) I'm also a ranty bitter music elitist, and despite listening to tons of video game soundtracks and Japanese pop music, my favorite bands include: M83, Elliott Smith, Broken Social Scene, The Polyphonic Spree, Mew (Sunk Beneath the Sea/That's No Way to Be/What Came Over Me?), Blonde Redhead, Franz Ferdinand, Arcade Fire, Blue Oyster Cult, Air, My Bloody Valentine, Slowdive, She & Him, Frou Frou, Imogen Heap, Auf der Maur, Keiko Matsui, Ryuichi Sakamoto, Supertramp, The Flaming Lips, Nirvana, The Doors, Beck, Garbage, Stars of the Lid, Hammock, The Pillows, Smashing Pumpkins, Modest Mouse, The Beatles, The Dandy Warhols, Vast, Phoenix, Mogwai, Pink Floyd, The Mars Volta, A Perfect Circle, New Order, Doves, The Shins, Metric, Kill Hannah, The Cardigans, Ladytron, The Mountain Goats, Joanna Newsom, Julie Delpy, Stars, Bob Dylan, Stephen and the Colberts, Feist, Emily Haines (And the Soft Skeleton), Yann Tiersen, MEG, Capsule, The Bird and the Bee, Boards of Canada, Broken Bells, and the list goes on and on...

(d) Food! I love food. It is a better friend to me than people are. I have an excessive sweet tooth. I'm a real sugar junkie. I like candy. Too much, probably. As you can imagine, my skin and teeth aren't too great, as a result. (But getting better. Always getting better.) I'm huge on Japanese and Chinese food, same with Indian food, and from what I've had of it, I really like Korean food too. Likewise with Thai food, Vietnamese food, and Mongolian Barbecue as well... sushi, sashimi, instant noodles of all sorts, from ramen to udon, garlic bread, grilled shrimp, gyoza, miso soup, Japanese-style croquettes, Italian food, pasta of all kinds, pizza, and the list goes on and on in this case too... food is awesome. Oh yes, and despite the fact that I'm one of those meat eater people things, I also have love for raw tofu. I can eat it right out of the package. And if that isn't awesome, I don't know what is. And because you needed to know, my baloney has a last name, and it's Gaffigan.

(e) Oh right, rotting my brains with TV. My favorite shows are Dead Like Me, Firefly, Wonderfalls, Pushing Daisies, Peep Show, Misfits, Community, The Office, Chuck, Weeds, Battlestar Galactica, Caprica, Veronica Mars (Season 3 was the weak link, a shame they canceled it just as the show started getting good again at the end of the season.), Flight of the Conchords (GET ME A SMALL MAN'S WETSUIT, PLEASE! ... You'd be pro-AIDS, wouldn't you? (Also, FYI, My Sugar Lumps are Two of a Kind! Sweet and white and highly refined! My dungarees might just make you hun-ga-ree.)), Wilfred, Louie, Archer, The IT Crowd, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Dollhouse, Fringe, Parks and Recreation, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Enlightened, Bored to Death, Eastbound & Down, Game of Thrones, The Ricky Gervais Show, The Big C, Hung, Real Time with Bill Maher, The Daily Show, Late Night with Conan O'Brien / The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien / Conan, The Colbert Report, Arrested Development, Scrubs, Freaks and Geeks, Undeclared, Childrens Hospital, NTSF:SD:SUV, Eagleheart, Delocated.

Sketch Comedy: Kids in the Hall, Chappelle's Show, Mr. Show, Funny or Die Presents, and Upright Citizens Brigade. I haven't tuned into their IFC show much, but I always liked The Whitest Kids U Know's old online stuff too. And though they're still just online, Derrick Comedy is hilarious too.

Animated Comedy: Older Family Guy episodes, older American Dad episodes, older Futurama episodes, Home Movies, older Simpsons episodes, Beavis & Butt-head, Adventure Time, Regular Show, Drawn Together, and Code Monkeys (A guilty pleasure, but since G4 canceled it, I'm back to not going near that channel. Who finds watching one big obnoxious Sony/Microsoft game commercial entertaining? They can blow me.).

I enjoy No Reservations on the Travel Channel as well. Looking forward to The Layover.

I've decided to pass on adding additional pop culture addiction information here, including my tastes in anime. (I've actually been writing for an anime site for nearly 10 years now - suffice it to say, I've developed some actual taste.) At this point, if you've actually been reading (Not skimming or randomly scrolling around) this profile, you've already got a brain tumor... with a brain tumor. (Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.) A triple whammy of tumors might kill you instantly at this point. But I can reassure you that while I doubtlessly, sadly still qualify as an otaku, I'm not nearly as big on anime and all as I was in high school, so no, I'm not one of those people who gets obsessed with their "fandom," fan fiction, and all that muck. My anime interest is more a balanced hobby than anything else. I've seen how unhealthy people get when they get really into it - it's not pretty. Makes one kind of ashamed to be associated with the hobby, but I promise you, we're not all that bad. (This can also be associated with video gamer subculture. I am not one of these TV screen resolution-obsessed "pwner bwner" guys.)
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
My complete numbness to the new lows to which humanity continually sinks, video games, good food, ways to express myself creatively, sleep, and crack, sweet sweet crack. (Gee, Conan, he just wants his sweet, sweet crack.)
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
My writing (Wordswordswordswordswords), problems (Whether my own, my friends', political, yadda yadda yadda BORING, YOU EXPECTED THIS, EVERYBODY THINKS ABOUT THESE THINGS), short story and novel ideas (Separate from 'my writing' because these are basically the seedlings from which writing sprouts. And these ideas attack me so frequently that if I don't find a way to make it as a writer, I'll probably have to kill myself someday to get away from the story ideas and snippets of dialogue I'm constantly coming up with - writing isn't merely a calling, but a psychosis), my hobbies (Corrupting the innocent world of Animal Crossing), politics (HAY GUYZ HOW BOUT THOSE MAGIC DISAPPEARING CIVIL RIGHTS LOLZ I SO FUNNIEZ TIME TO MOVE TO CANADA... oh yeah, this part was written during the Bush years, just for reference), misanthropy (If you ask me, those humans aren't the brightest of creatures on average), life itself (I find that the answer to "What's that smell?" is never a good thing. It's never "Hey, what's that smell? Oh! Somebody baked muffins!"), and possibilities out of reach. If only I had a finglonger. And that was a real thing. That sentence was a nightmare to wade through. It used to be more readable, but I just figured that hey, I love you guys enough to make it much more painful to read by adding all those parentheses with extra comments.

It's not like the ladies (Who you can tell are overly fond of me by the way I refer to all of you collectively as "the ladies." See? That simple combination of inoffensive words can be made creepy on the internet too!) are particularly prone to reading my profile and thinking "OMFG I HAEV 2 MARY THISE GUY LIEK NOWZ" anyway, while all I can say in response is "O RLY?" (Yes, complete with the image of the owl - GOD I'M TRITE THIS WASN'T FUNNY IN 2005). I'm less sunshine and puppies and more AIDS jokes and scowls. Oh, and of course, spitty-slurpy. Explain that, professor! ... Once again, stop looking at me like that, who the hell are you to judge me, it's not like you're motherfuckin' Ronnie Dobbs!


Just for the sake of being extra stupid, anyone who gets all of the references I make in my profile is officially a worthwhile human being. Because yes, you can judge someone's worth purely by their grasp of obscure nerdy pop culture references. After all, the Republicans say we're fighting a "culture war" nowadays, and you don't want to be a casualty, do you? My guns are bazookas and my bazookas are metaphors.

Wait, what?
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Alone in my room playing video games (10/2013 update! Because this is the part of this profile that matters. Pokemon Y/Animal Crossing: New Leaf, Etrian Odyssey IV, Fire Emblem Awakening, and Shin Megami Tensei IV on 3DS, Solatorobo and Dragon Quest IX on DS, and Dead Rising and Pandora's Tower on Wii. I juggle a variety of stuff on Steam. I play a lot of indie freeware games too. (Nifflas, Nigoro, Kikiyama, and Pixel huzzah.) Been on Kingdom of Loathing for nearly two years now too.).

Food. Like the rest of you suckers, I get a routine hankering (or jonesing, depending on your preferred vernacular) for 'the eats,' too. I'm so addicted, I'll die if I quit. THAT'S THE WORST KIND OF WITHDRAWAL. I often sleep half the afternoon (Because actually sleeping at night would make me relatively normal, and who wants to be that? I'm one of those nocturnal writers. I also sense my location by sonar.). And of course, being internet addicted as usual. (Something Awful, Reddit, vidya gmaes news, relevant/meaningful real world news, TWEETTWEETTWEET, and assorted other junk.)

Adult Swim is usually a part of things, too. Moral Orel's been reairing in a full series marathon the past couple of months and if you haven't been watching, you should feel bad. Goes without saying, but writing. Always with the writing. NOTHING BUT WRITING. And freelance work these days, too. (In addition to my second novel, I'm actually writing the entire script and doing a little design work on an upcoming iPhone game, too - and yes, it WILL be funny.)

Aside from the aforementioned hobby/work/calling pursuits, anyway. My life isn't particularly interesting, I'm afraid. (Or so I felt was natural to write after going on at length about all my hobbies here. Being less than social beyond Skype tends to lead to finding numerous ways to feed one's brain. Turns out mine feeds on human suffering.)
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
Occasionally I'm a failure at being a complete asshole. (This past statement may have been a lie.) But that's very rare. As you can probably tell from my sense of humor, I have a pretty disastrous history with relationships. I'm also pretty sure that I have anti-pheromones or something. (Or somebody put a "Kill Me" sign on my back and I haven't noticed yet.) Or maybe my lack of general appeal has to do with the whole bad personality thing. (And you thought Xander on Buffy was passive aggressive! ... See, Whedonites? I'M ONE OF YOU NOW.) Or maybe it's the fact that one of my feet is an actual live pig. And my supervillain career as The Deadly Bulb has been failing horribly.

Also, whether you see this as a positive or not, I'm probably one of the most emotionally unavailable and untrusting people you'll ever meet.

Going back and finally commenting on and sort-of editing this profile all these years in 2011, I'm mostly impressed by how much time I've spent caving in people's skulls with my low self-esteem. For some reason, it's not actually as low these days as it used to be - or in the least, I don't boast out it as much as I used to. (THIS IS ALL BOASTING.) Basically, I care far less now about whether anybody finds me attractive than I did back in college. Which probably means I'm even more comfortable with who I am and technically more functional as an adult. So take that for what you will, I guess. This guy now = LESS BAD. Though maybe my self-esteem SHOULD be lower. NOT GONNA HAPPEN, INTERNET.

I'm also not your grandma, by the way. Stop asking.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
Haven't I scared you off yet? What are you on, PCP? PVP? OPP? CVS? CBC? Well, be you foolhardy enough to cast a message in mine yonder direction... well, be robust of intellect and brace thyself for an exchange of words worthy of being scored by the 1812 Overture! (Being a nerd or geek of some sort always helps too, but I don't expect people who message me to be into all of the same things I am, so don't let that scare you off, though the rest of my profile should've left you scared shitless by now. Something along the lines of: "How can such an ingenious bastard exist? He's broken the loser paradigm by being too cool for me! And also some schools but there are also probably exceptions!" (THESE WILL BE YOUR EXACT WORDS) And then your mind breaks.) And have a good sense of humor! I'm demanding of people. I'm progressive enough to be considered pretty far to the left - or a HORRIFYING RADICAL SOCIALIST by American standards - so if you're conservative-leaning, we probably won't get on.

Should you be masochistic enough to even consider the whole contacting me with romance on your mind - shouldn't the rest of this profile have put any such leanings to rest by now? - I'll go ahead and warn you yet again that I'm not always a particularly nice guy. I don't trust people, and I'm not particularly keen on the long distance relationship thing (Had nothing but those - another red flag - and burned every time.), though if you weren't too far away, I'd at least take you into consideration. (And what combination of words makes someone sound more like an arrogant douchebag than that you'd "take them into consideration?" Man, I am on fire. Literally. Shit. Where's the extinguisher!? ... and horrible scarring burns ensued, this bit has a happy ending.) Years later, as an amendment to this terrible paragraph - oh hey, THIS PROFILE HAS PARAGRAPHS NOW, almost as though it was written by someone who remembered how to use the language - my thoughts are mostly just that if you have even the slightest interest in romance with me, things would go slowly. After enough past unpleasantness, it seems to me it's best to just get to know one another - if things happen, cool, and if not, cool. Too many people are in a rush to ruin their lives with marriage and other such nonsense by and around this age. Why not instead simply enjoy someone else's company and see where things go from there, free of pressure or expectations, with instead abundant good conversation? Thoughts, anyway. In retrospect, I imagine that I come off as completely schizophrenic in this profile now as you jump back and forth between things I wrote 5-6 years ago and continually revised to make WORSE over the years, and then weird moments of vague sanity parting the clouds in 2011. IT'S A TRAP, you realize.

Of course, I'm interested in making new friends from pretty much anywhere. (I have to spread my entirely metaphorical disease somehow.) I'm not a big fan of flaky people who haven't spent much time in pursuit of self-actualization, either. I don't trust people like that. Though it should all go without saying (I don't put much stock in people, as has been well established by now - there's nothing left of that horse to beat. NOT EVEN ITS GHOST), if for some reason you actually wish to speak with me, just be honest, be sincere, and be yourself. Then we might actually get along. (I'm not actually that tightly wound. Not quite.)

I have to admit, I'm not fond of substances either, nor most people I see doing them (There are exceptions though, I'm for the legalization of pot, and I won't judge you too harshly if you're smart, regardless of whether you smoke up or not. Basically, I'm not too keen on the whole binging crowd - if you self-abuse in moderation, we cool.), the booze, the drugs, and such are not things I'm personally interested in, ya dig? You've gotta be one of the cool cats who isn't judgmental about that, either. (A cerebral FREAK OF NATURE who prefers clean or relatively clean living is generally preferred. People who overthink EVERYTHING and delight in learning new things. Reading back over this profile, I always want to kick my own ass by this last section.) There used to be a self-aware beatnik joke here. Let's just say it went the way of the beatniks. (With a chainsaw.)

If you send me a message that basically amounts to: "SHUT UP. VIDEO GAMES." And you want to be Nintendo pals or play some PC games or something, that's okay too.

... Also, a disclaimer I probably should've put here years ago: You should message me if you want to actually talk to me. I'm Mr. Introvert CAPTAIN OF INDUSTRY, so if you see that I've visited your profile, know that even if I think you're pretty rad from what I read there, odds are I won't have the moxie to say anything, simply because I'm not one of those talking-to-new-people guys. So if I've been by your profile and you thought I looked interesting but I haven't said anything, don't necessarily take it as evidence of disinterest. It might not be. I'm just awkward. And not good at this stuff. On the internet. Where I don't actually have to directly interact with ANYBODY. SAD. I have to offset my gnarliness somehow. CAP AND TRADE. (See? Witty and politically relevant and)

Well, you've reached the end of my profile odyssey. Did you remember to slay the mighty feral potato pancake on level 3? And did you bomb the wall on level 6 and two quarters to get the skeleton key from the old man standing alone in the darkness? He's there to mentor you, you know. I'm not sure if I should congratulate you for making it to the end, but I guess to end things on a positive note, I LIKE YOU, KID, YOU'VE GOT SPUNK! (And so forth.) If you made it this far without closing the window or navigating away, you're probably worth talking to, and we might just get along. And if your only response to this whole profile was abject horror? Well, at least you can say it builds character, right? Right. Otherwise you'll have wasted a lot of valuable time. Time I have stolen from you that you will never get back. It's mine now. Don't give me that look, this was entirely your choice.

This wasn't really a positive conclusion, was it?