Issuing supreme power to you...one moment.

My self-summary Propose an edit

This first section is a long one. Those of you unable to make it through probably wouldn’t make for ideal company with me, anyway, so cruise ahead to the next profile and have a look there. No hard feelings, I swear.

Well, I’ve spent some time thinking over what to put in this section, and this what I’ve come up with.

I’m really smart. Really, really smart. I’ve probably (inadvertently) used a few words in this section that would suggest I’m a pretentious, elitist jackass by virtue of their very inclusion (name-dropping “Foucault” as I do, a bit later, comes to mind as a good example). In a way, I am. Though I’m smart enough to make a killing out-thinking the vast majority of attorneys out there (no knock on the law, but college wasn’t that long ago, and I remember the kinds of people that were flocking to law school by the hundreds), I’m not pursuing my JD; though my command of the English language is extensive enough to convince you that you have to buy whatever I might want to sell you, I’m no marketing executive.

I am, to borrow a phrase from Einstein, “passionately curious.” Even though I’m a teacher, I’ll always see myself as a student (for a few more years by profession; after that, only by choice). And I’m mentioning it, here, because I’d like to meet someone who gets that. Someone who really understands that, yes, my mind will almost always go to a place that has to analyze the movie/TV show/commercial/bit of conversation I overhead in the check-out line at the grocery store. I don’t do it to win friends; I don’t do it to look cool. I do it because I hunger for understanding like a model hungers for a real meal the day before a lingerie shoot.

And, now that I’ve scared all but the few of you who are having problems getting your browser to navigate away from this page, I’ll share with you the upside of knowing a self-confessed smarty-pants like me.

Intellectual pursuits are in my blood, but without friends and loved ones, that life has always been incomplete, in my humble opinion. That said, those few whom I have brought into my world are as sacred to me as my own life. I’m loyal to them, sometimes to a fault, and the love I have for my family (biological or adopted as I encounter them) runs deep.

I’ll never have much money, and the symbols or exercise of power in this world has never interested me. Still, with me, you’ll never be wanting for interesting (legitimately thought-provoking) conversation. I can talk literature, philosophy, history, culture, politics, film, and music with the best of them. To a lesser extent, I can chat about economics, physics, cosmology, evolution, neurobiology, conspiracy theories, palmistry, etc.

More importantly, I know how to listen. I’ll probably do it with what looks like a scowl (think of it as my “concentration face”), and if you’re fishing for a comforting answer to a difficult problem, you might not get it from me. Still, I know how to shut up, and I can read between your words, understanding you’re meaning even if you’re having trouble articulating it.

Oh, and a friend of mine told me that I should include my ability to bake among my better qualities. So, yeah. I can bake. Well.

What follows is a list I compiled of “wants” and “deal-breakers” when it comes to the long-term partner I’d, eventually, like to meet. “Wants,” of course, are negotiable, and the descriptions in each category reflect, I think, that flexibility. “Deal-breakers” are just that. Sorry, fundamentalist Christian, psychotic, super-clingy, gossipy girl who’s not over her ex-boyfriend.

WANTS

• Physical attributes: I’m as shallow as the next guy. In an ideal world, my ideal woman is 5’5” to about 5’10”. I’d go as tall as 6’0” but with the caveat that her heels are never more than three inches tall. I like to be taller. Additionally, I (apparently) tend to go for women that have high cheekbones, a heart-shaped face, and large eyes. Like most men, I find women that maintain the proportion of the hourglass figure most attractive, but I’ve gone for everything from the very sleek hourglass to the curvy hourglass. Oh, and I kind of have a thing for brunettes with dark eyes.

• Age: 22-26. It’s a narrow window, I know, but much younger and they’re too, well, naïve and dumb. Much older than that, and…I just don’t like dating women much older than me.

• Professional: This doesn’t mean I have my mind set exclusively on doctors, attorneys, and businesswomen. I just really have no interest in dating someone who has no career plans, nor an aspiring actor, musician, dancer, writer, etc. Academics are kind of a gray area, but my inclination is against it. Maybe if she’s in a different enough field (out of the humanities, say psychology, economics, business, even the hard sciences), but I talk about Foucault with my friends and colleagues; I don’t want to come home to that, too.

• Artsy: Still, I like a woman who has some kind of artistic ability. Singing, dancing, writing, painting, decoupage—whatever. My creative side is limited to stick figures and plunking around on my guitar, so a little artistic ability would be most welcome in the relationship.

• Caring, Passionate: Slap the last two qualities together, and this, I’d hope, is the brand of smashed potatoes that pops out: a woman who’s invested in her career, her hobbies, her pet projects; someone who really loves what she does.

• Would fight ultimate evil: Okay, here’s the scenario: Ultimate evil—think Hitler, puppy-eating demons, vampires, Satan, whatever—exists in this world, and unless someone fights it, the world as we know it will come to a painful, bloody end. In my ideal world, I’d be with a woman who would fight that evil. Maybe she picks up a broadsword and goes Buffy all over its ass, maybe she dresses the wounded, maybe she sits in a library researching the Ultimate Evil’s weaknesses. The mode of fighting isn’t important; fighting it is. This tells me that a woman has standards, not just for herself, but for the world she lives in, and that, sometimes, those standards are worth fighting for, perhaps even dying for. Sure, the world is a landscape painted in an ethical grayscale, but at the edges, things grow very black and white, and when they get white, I want a woman who’s going to fight.

• Beside me in a Demon Bar: Yet another Buffyverse-inspired hypothetical. Suppose a band of marauding demon bikers walks into a bar, looking to prey on the helpless and mess some shit up. I’m looking for a girlfriend who won’t be cowering in the corner but will, instead, be willing to fight by my side. In every relationship, there’s necessarily going to be a power struggle, but I don’t want a woman who needs my protection every time things get rough.

• Has her own friends: Holy tap-dancin’ Christ is this important! I’d like to think that my friends are generally cool people with whom my theoretical significant other would get along swimmingly. Still, we all need our own space and our own support structure. Ideally, this means a gal who’s mastered enough social graces to have found at least a handful of people that are going to be on her team. Even if she only uses them to complain about me, that’d be great, because that’s what they’re for.

• Pro-Catholic: I’m not a particularly religious guy, but I grew up Catholic. That means I come from a place of crippling guilt, a refusal to let myself be happy, and a love of ceremony and symbol. She doesn’t need to be a Catholic; she doesn’t need to be religious at all. She simply needs to be able to pop into a Mass with my family every now and again without ridiculing or belittling them for it. And maybe play out Catholic schoolgirl fantasy for me. (Maybe on a special occasion, like my birthday? Please?)

• Smart: What a useless fucking category. My favorite flavors of smart are quick, perceptive, analytical, and witty. Do with that what you will.

• Likes Lost: So, I’m not necessarily looking for a current fan (though that would be awesome). Instead, I’m looking more broadly for a woman whose sensibilities would make her inclined to enjoy the show, if she were exposed to it. Long, sprawling narratives and complicated character arcs are kind of my bread and butter, and while I’ve already said I’m not looking for another academic, it’d be nice to share the few pop cultural artifacts that correspond to my professional interests with that special someone. On a related note, a woman who would find Arrested Development or It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia funny would probably find me kind of funny, rather than a horrible, horrible human being.

• Has Dealt With Relationship Baggage: In this ideal scenario, whatever hurt, misgivings, or other issues she has from past relationships have been completely acknowledged and will not poison our relationship. I’m not looking for, nor am I expecting to find, a woman unaffected by her past. I’m just looking for someone who’s capable of, more or less, moving forward with her life.

• Interesting: Perhaps it’s a combination of ego and dismissiveness talking, but most people I met have about two hours worth of interesting in them before they start blending into the background of my experience as a combination of stale, predictable archetypes. Get to know anyone long enough and, yeah, you’re bound to know them better than you know yourself. Still, I’d like someone who takes some figuring out, someone who has a few surprises to offer me. Because I get bored easily, and when I’m bored, I’m not invested.

• Communicative: Words mean things, and those things that they mean are important, especially when dealing with a species that can’t read your fucking mind. On behalf of all mean, I’m really, really sorry about this one, ladies. I wish I could. Now, I’m not bad at reading moods or body language, but when something important is on her mind, I’d like her to be the type that, more often than not, says something about it. Because I’m good with words. Relatively speaking.

• Open to Having Children: Holy fucking shit I’m terrified at the thought of parenting a child. So not ready for that. But, one day, I think I might be, and I’d like a woman who’s at least open to the idea of starting a family, someday. I mean, I’d be a pretty awesome dad. My kids would have wicked-awesome names (but, like, maybe as middle names, so they don’t have to be teased about them when they’re in grade school, but when they’re in college, they can be all, “Hi. I’m Ace.” or “I’m Odin” or something like that. I don’t know. Names are negotiable.), they’d be really fucking smart, and they would kick some serious ass.

• Drinks Responsibly: I’m such a fucking old man. But, really. College is over. I have a job. I don’t want to drink every day, I don’t want to black out when I drink, and I don’t want to have to deal with drunk girlfriend telling me that the puke in her hair is “gross” over and over again while I try to clean her up. And drinking and driving? Not fucking cool. I want a grown-up, at least in this regard.

• Doesn’t Take Herself Too Seriously: A combination of humility and the ability to cope with the shit life invariably throws at you, this one’s pretty important. Sure, in this ideal construct, I’m her biggest fan, even if she’s considering disbanding the fan club. But, really, most of what we do most of the time is mundane, stupid, or irrelevant. Someone who has a handle on that is Aces in my book.

DEAL-BREAKERS

• Psycho: A blanket term to encompass a number of neuroses. Point is, I’m not a fucking shrink. You can pay people to talk you through your bullshit or medicate you back to mental health. Not me. Nope. Done with that.

• Super-Clingy: Perhaps a subcategory of the above, perhaps a matter of personal taste. I like my space, both literally (she shouldn’t need to touch me all the time…though, really, who could blame her?) and figuratively. I need time by myself, with my thoughts. I need time with my own friends. I need to be my own person, even if I’m in a relationship.

• Wants Me to Complete Her: Related to the above. Women, listen: I CAN’T FIX YOU. I’m willing to bet that no man can, but even if it’s my failing, I can’t. More importantly, though, I don’t want to. I don’t want to be someone’s everything. I want to be important, but not so important that, without me, she’d crumble.

• Baggage: I’m not your ex-boyfriend/fiancé/husband. Should you make that mistake, you’re out.

• Dismissively Closed-Minded: I have no problem whatsoever with a woman who’s confident in her beliefs. But that confidence had better be predicated upon serious consideration or experimentation. There’s a lot to explore in this world, and I’m not interested in someone who knows better than everyone else because of her refusal to give anything new a chance.

• Holier-Than-Thou: Get the fuck over yourself. Your shit stinks, too. Blech.

• Gossipy: A life of one’s own is good. A life filled with friends, family, and other loved ones is better. A life predicated upon serving as the media center for the latest news on friends, family, and co-workers is pound-my-face-against-the-wall boring.

• Evangelical Christian/Religious Fundamentalist: I consider a few people that would fit this category among my friends, and those that are friends are pretty great people. But I’m not Evangelical, or Fundamentalist. So, for a dinner party, they’re great company. As the woman with whom I might raise children, I’ll have to pass.

What I'm doing with my life Propose an edit

Most days, it seems like I’m just spinning my wheels. As I mentioned above, more than just about anything else in this world, I care about education. So, I took my B.A. in English and decided to get a Ph.D. I’m about halfway through the program (as of summer ’08) and, assuming I can get my advisors on board with the project, I’ve got the kernel of a pretty cool dissertation floating around my head just waiting to be oiled, heated, and popped.

To pay my way through grad school, I’ve been teaching (TAing is a more accurate but uglier-sounding word) some undergrads the ins and outs of composition, close-reading, and the historical/philosophical/cultural information that’s contextually relevant to the earlier half of the English literary canon.

On the side, I’ve also been working on a stack of non-academic essays and a handful of other creative writing projects. Honestly, I’m not sure just what’s going to shake of that stack of stuff, if anything. But, when I’m bored, I like to write.

Oh. And I really like television. I watch a lot of it, and I do so in a way that might ruin the experience for most people. (The gender politics of Lost and the intertextual story arcs of Heroes have been topics of conversation in my apartment.)

I'm really good at Propose an edit

In no particular order:

• Making a risotto.
• Analyzing.
• Playing the guitar.
• Remaining calm in stressful situations.
• Engaging in thought-provoking conversation.
• Laughing at myself.
• Watching television (as I mention, doing it well is a skill)
• Baking.
• Reading.
• Knowing when to stop.
• Listening.
• Finding and sharing good music.
• Making your mom feel comfortable that you spend time with me.
• Writing.
• Formulating, planning, and executing “missions.” (e.g. finding fresh, unpasteurized apple cider in Los Angeles)
• Remembering the little things.
• Constructing a body of person-specific humor (i.e. in-jokes)
• Killing bugs.
• Scratching a cat’s ears.

The first thing(s) people usually notice about me Propose an edit

Superficial: That I look like Chris Farley (and, to their credit, it's not simply because I have a build similar to the late comedian. The resemblance is, at times, uncanny...in a van down by the river).

Subficial: (I don't think that's a word, but it should be.) That I'm really, really smart, and that my command of language can be intimidating.

My favorite books, movies, music, and food Propose an edit

A) Franny and Zooey, anything by Emerson or Shakespeare, Lost in the Cosmos

B) Waking Life, Roger Dodger, Solaris, The Usual Suspects, Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, Donnie Darko: The Director's cut, Moulin Rouge, The Hudsucker Proxy, The Shape of Things, Rushmore, Barton Fink

TV: Lost, Battlestar Galactica, The Office, House, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, The Twilight Zone, Arrested Development

C) Sigur Ros, Spoon, Elbow, Doves, The Faint, Interpol, Arcade Fire, The Killers, Okkervil River, The Flaming Lips, Death Cab fo Cutie, Bright Eyes, Rogue Wave, Weezer, The Beatles (mid-sixties albums especially; Rubber Soul through Sgt. Pepper's), Johnny Cash (and for the record, I'm a pre-Walk the Line fan), awesome mid-90's alt-rock one-hit-wonders (e.g. "In the Meantime," "Flagpole Sitta," or "Possum Kingdom"), Chopin

D) Mustard

The six things I could never do without Propose an edit

The library, a writing medium, good conversation, gray days, a cool coffee house, and mustard.

I spend a lot of time thinking about Propose an edit

Descartes, polticial theory, ethics, meaning, truth, the nature of bar culture, nanotechnology, pop culture, high culture, what that guy over there has on his shirt, etc.

On a typical Friday night I am Propose an edit

It depends. Sometimes I'm in working: reading a really old book or correcting some papers. Other times, I'm out navigating my way past the hipsters and hookers that inhabit Hollywood. Without fail, it's something awesome.

The most private thing I'm willing to admit here Propose an edit

I've been in drag. And people paid to see it.

You should message me if Propose an edit

Three distinct possibilities:

1.) You think you can match wits with a professional wordsmith that draws a paycheck by dissecting language.

2.) You're a twenty-something living in LA who's doing something really interesting but isn't obsessed with "the industry."

3.) You're an amazingly hot, intelligent, kind, and patient steel trust heiress.

Tests He's Taken View all