I'm a polyamorous guy in an open marriage. What that essentially means, for those who don't already know, is that my wife and I have had sex, both together and separately, with people other than each other. This is not 'cheating,' because to cheat you have to break the rules, and we play by house rules.

In my opinion, people choose to enforce monogamy in their relationships primarily as a way of preventing their own jealousy. Jealousy is one of the most negative emotions a person can experience, because it usually applies to those we care about the most. Our significant other, usually seen as a safe haven from the rest of the world, suddenly becomes a source of fear and anxiety. So it's understandable why people would want to avoid jealousy at all costs.

Let's examine what jealousy really is, though. Let's say you find out that your devoted lover has engaged in intimate activities with someone else, be it kissing, petting, sex, or what have you. Objectively, this act has done nothing to harm you. Barring any unwanted side effects from the intimate act, i.e. STDs or pregnancy, the act of being intimate with others does not directly affect one's primary partner. So why, then, do we become jealous?

The answer is that jealousy is not actually an emotion, but what I would call a 'sub-emotion.' Jealousy is just fear, with a specific focus. We have evolved to expect exclusivity from our partners because sex has, for millions of years, meant reproduction. A man who did not care about his partner's infidelity would find himself cuckolded and thus excluded from the gene pool. A woman who allowed her partner to sow his wild oats would end up having to fend for herself and her children without aid. Jealousy was a functional and necessary emotion for reproduction.

Knowing this, we can begin to analyze how jealousy works in a modern world. When we think about our partners becoming sexually open, the jealousy we feel is actually a fear of loss. We fear that our partner will no longer sustain interest in us, or that they will find someone 'better' than us. This fear prompts us to try an stifle our partners' sexual freedom. But this is the 21st century. Contraceptives have separated sex from reproduction, and the women's rights movement has enabled young women to become as independant and self-sufficient as the men they date. The aforementioned biological imperatives no longer apply.

People like to think of love and sex as being a fixed-sum game. They imagine that a person can only have 100% of their love to give at any given time, so if that person takes on a second partner, the first will suffer for it. I reject this notion gladly. Gaining a new friend does not directly reduce or damage old friendships, so why should a new romantic interest dull established ones? Everyone, and I mean everyone has taken that second glance at the cute guy or girl they saw across the street, or at that party, or wherever. Does that mean they are somehow dissatisfied with their current relationship? Hardly.

Love, in my opinion, is not a desire for someone, but a value that you place in them. Love is the capacity to truly want the best for another person, even if that's not necessarily the best for you. When I say that I love my wife, that doesn't mean I want to keep her for myself for as long as I can. It means she is a person whom I have a tremendous amount of respect for. I adore her, and I do very much enjoy my life with her, but these things are byproducts of my love for her. I allow and encourage her to explore her sexuality in the same way I would for any other aspect of her life. Happily, she has extended me the same courtesy. We are not polyamorous because we don't love each other enough. On the contrary, we are polyamorous because we love each other too much to be otherwise.

So, now to you. If you're monogamous, hopefully I've at least given you some food for thought. Consider what it means to be in love, and what it means to be free. If you're a closeted poly person, I can only ask you to find the courage to come out of the closet. Together, we can show this post-puritan world that sex is not something to be afraid of. And finally, if you're already openly poly, kudos to you. Together we can spread the message of free love, and maybe live a slightly happier life because of it.