─ Robert Fulghum
You should message me if any
of the following are
• You are not crazier than is generally accepted by most
• You find me funny or even mildly entertaining.
• This is not the second to last step in your plan to kill
• You wish to become my "Words with Friends" adversary.
• You have a story to share. I like stories!
• You think I look fucking fantastic in one of my photos.
• You want to catch some live music somewhere.
• You have a thirst and/or hunger you want quenched.
• You fancy yourself a good kisser. There will be a test.
• You'd like to critique my profile, photo, or manhood.
• You want to meet and do anything other than drink.
• You are somewhat local and fairly spontaneous.
• You think we would make a cute, nay, adorable couple.
• You want me to stop adding to this list.
• You believe I've been negligent in messaging you.
• You like horror movies and roller coasters.
• You want me to interview for an open friend position.
• You don't have cooties.
• You are willing to help me learn Spanish.
• You'd like to have drinks while not speaking to one
• You might enjoy travel, but do not have a passion for it.
• You understand that the sun is significantly larger than
• You want to state your preference for my facial hair.
• You want to meet sooner than later.
• You want to take me thrift store shopping.
• You don't own any crabby pants.
• You believe mosquitoes are thieves that deserve vigilante
• You still stop to smell the occasional rose.
• You are forthcoming, upfront, honest, and other related
• You are uncomfortable with most absolutes.
• You like to walk.
• You would like to go on an ice cream date.
• You realize that sweat, in fact, will not kill you.
• You enjoy, or think that you would enjoy, day hikes.
• You like to do
• You want to share a late breakfast.
• You'd still love me after I declare data to be one of my
• Life hasn't beaten all the silly out of you yet.
• You are a fan of the Detroit Lions.
• A smile dances across your face more often than not.
• You believe communication is one key to a strong
• You want to do karaoke and see who sings worse.
• You want to play dress-up (I'll wear a suit) and meet somewhere
• You know a good place for pie. I'm partial to apple
• You'd like to go on a 5 Wits
adventure with me.
• You have season tickets to ALL THE THINGS.
• You'd like to see The
Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
Any of the above is fine. Combinations of the above are awesome.
All of the above is uber. None of the above is so out of left
field, it makes my little heart go all pitter patter.
Following the questionable
premise that all men are assholes
─ that you should just pick one ─ I posit that you should pick me.
After all, you've already invested a nice chunk of your time in
reading my profile, and more importantly, you're already
Okay, so here's the deal.
I know it can be hard to write that first, introductory message. It
can be a pain in the ass, especially when you're doing your best to
sound witty, intelligent, cute, and awesome in the space of a few
sentences. That first message can be tough to get just right.
So, I propose that if you want to be in contact with me, but don't
feel up to shaking the words out of yourself, or you don't believe
you should have to ─ outdated gender roles and all ─ go ahead and
rate me 4 or 5 stars. I'll check you out, and if I'm digging what I
see, I'll message you.
Or, y'know, you could just message me and say, "hi".
Kisses for free. Hugs only cost you a beer. Inquire within.
I can be verbose.
*makes small hand movement*
You are going to write me.
(it's a Jedi mind trick)