PREFACE: A lot of what I write can be perceived as overly cynical and even a bit rude. I promise, it's with an heir of humor that I say anything so try to take it lightly.... okay cool, here goes:

I'm a really laid back guy, with a great sense of humor and a really chill personality. I just recently moved back to Virginia after 12 years of being away. My first love is music, my second is cooking, and via this website: taking applications for my third (did you see what I did there?). I like all things outdoors: Camping, Rock Climbing, Fishing, Surfing... etc. But I'm more than comfortable hanging out around the house and watching TV. I'm really outgoing and when I'm at the bar I usually end up in a conversation with a complete stranger by the end of the night. I'm a no-pressure type of person and I'm cool with just making friends on here.

On a slightly more serious note:

I've talked to several different women on here, just in friendly conversation and concluded that my fellow gender is apparently full of complete douche bags that are looking for ass. Well, I can proudly say that that's not me. At this point in life, I'm beyond my "chasing tail" phase and I'm definitely looking for something slightly more substantial than one-night stands (not that I would complain). So, truthfully, I don't care what you look like or what your social status is. I'm here to make friends and see where it goes from there. Physical attraction will sort itself out on its own. To be honest, these websites might actually surprise a lot of people if no one was allowed to post pictures. But I think everyone is at least a little bit shallow (admit it!) and I know that without a picture of me up, I would never get a single message. Unless it's from these dirty pirate hookers that keep IMing me on here trying to get me to pay them to watch their webcams (that's true by the way, I've had 12 different scammers so far, refer to my "You should message me if" section).

So... point is: I'm not going to try to get into your pants or weird you out in any way so by all means, send me a message and say "hello!", or "how's your day?", or "what the hell is a dirty pirate hooker?".

Happy hunting!

I am this, that, and the other

I finished my enlistment in the Air Force in 2009 and went to culinary school. Essentially, I will cook my ass off for you, plate your food beautifully and then stand there like a kitten who just brought a dead mouse to your feet, staring at you with big brown eyes and waiting for approval. Apparently what I'm saying is if you don't have a taste for good food, don't bother. Super picky eaters are difficult for me to please. BUT, I decided not to make a living as a chef, as it would make cooking at home a miserable endeavor and I now work for a company that employs the technical portion of my brain that has been so carefully crafted by the Air Force. Hint: It's very nerdy.

Otherwise!

I am doing, with my life, what most are: getting along and having a little fun while at it. You?

SEX (I'm amazing), writing and playing music, cooking, rock band (drums only tho), mechanics and electronics, being a handy-man, listening, talking, pretending to be listening and talking (never with you of course), back rubs (giving and receiving), making a serious situation a little more humorous, drawing, debating things whether I actually believe the position I'm defending or not... among other talents I suppose. This section seems arrogant.

Is that I look exactly like Johnny Depp.... actually that's not true at all but it would be awesome if it was. (I do hear Shia LeBeouf a lot, much to my dismay)

They probably notice my eyes or my east coast accent (meaning I don't sound like a cast member on Duck Dynasty), or the fact that I'm at their front door because the court requires that I notify them that I've moved into the neighborhood and must remain 50 yards from their children... who knows?

(That last part was a joke for the humor-deficient reader)

But hey, I'll let you tell ME what you noticed first.

Books: I Am America: And So Can You, Napalm & Silly Putty (RIP George Carlin), I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, The Dark Tower series, Clan of the Cave Bear, Reading for Dummies, The Dictionary, The Yellow Pages... etc.

Movies: Pulp Fiction, The Boondock Saints, The Green Mile, The Shawshank Redemption, Dumb and Dumber, Old School, Cheesy 70's porn... among hundreds of others.

Shows: The Walking Dead, Ancient Aliens, 30 Rock, South Park, Family Guy, Breaking Bad, Weeds, Game of Thrones, Lost, Entourage, How It's Made... to name a few.

Music: Tool, Slipknot, Patsy Cline, Johnny Cash, The Blues, Sick Puppies, Days of the New, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, Rush, Live, Sophia's Decline, Puscifer, A Perfect Circle, Deftones, Rage, Stevie Wonder, Bush, Nirvana, Prodigy, NIN, Black Light Burns, this list could go on forever (as I am a gigantic music snob).

Food: Pan-seared beef tenderloin, with caramelized scallops and Manhattan reduction. (I'm serious there, that's one of my specialties)

Oxygen, Water, Food, Shelter, Clothing, A Pulse.

OH EMM GEE my hair, it's gotta be PERFECT! (Said while listening to the latest One Direction single)

Seriously though, I try not to over-think anything but sometimes that can prove a little difficult. I think about the future, the future of politics and religion, and Back to the Future.

According to statistics, as a male I apparently think about sex every 2.8 seconds. But that is completely untrue!

(It's more like 0.5 seconds)

I think about new ideas for music and art, down to basic things such as what I'm going to cook for dinner. I suppose it just depends on where my mind is at the time.

Robbing banks, cooking meth, knitting sweaters for puppies or hanging out with my entourage doing whatever. I'm cool with just having a couple people over and keeping it low-key, or getting a big group of people together and bar hopping. I don't really have a "typical" anything, so who knows. I may end up just falling asleep early and waking up early Saturday morning to watch cartoons. (Actually, Saturday morning cartoons SUCK compared to what we had growing up).

This, of course, is a typical Friday night as a single guy. In a relationship, my Friday nights tend to be a lot more creative.

I have a small birth-mark shaped like Brazil, and I don't like any type of pie (but I love cheesecake, mmmmm!).

You don't like drama, you're not a guy (I'm not a homophobe fellas, I'm just here for the ladies until they finally scare me enough to switch teams), and you're not crazy..... I know most guys like to generalize the word "crazy" to refer to any woman with any emotions at all, but I'm referring to an irrational bad temper or fits of jealousy over minor things. I had friends before I met you, both male and female and I'm sorry but unless you are disturbingly rich, 90 years old and planning to leave me your fortune, I'm not giving them up. I promise, I will make MORE than enough time for you should we get to that level in our relationship.

I also don't think I could date a vegetarian. No offense: if your heart bleeds for animals then that's really sweet and all, but it's been my experience that vegetarians/vegans have a whole bag of other high maintenance issues and needs that go with it. But I'm open to discussion on the subject! :-)

Also please be articulate to some degree. I'm not very good with "text talk" and you'll just find me saying "huh?" a lot.

UPDATE TO THE SPAM HO'S: I'M NOT GOING TO WATCH YOUR "FREE" WEBCAM! (Refer to my Self-Summary) I'm not trying to be a dick to the women out there that work for the "sex on webcam industry". I get it: "Mama's gotta pay for school and them kids gotta eat!" But I'm not EVER going to be down for that. I'm just going to report you as SPAM, 'cause I'm a big tattletale and that's what we do!