I would punch a giant squid right in the face.

And that goes for colossal squid as well.

I mean, if they were... you know... menacing me somehow, not if they were just flopping around or laying in big ass tank or something (or driving a big ass tank--because that would make them much harder to punch in the face).

Okay, to be honest I would probably cower or run away while my brain screamed, but I still think talking about punching giant squids in the face is the second best way of starting a profile. The first best way would be if I had someone draw an awesome picture of me punching a giant squid in the face and I put it here. Then it would just be like BAM, profile done!

Since our Internet Overlords currently do not allow such things here, I suppose I will have to actually describe myself. Quite a depressing task, but very well, I shall see it through.

I'd say I'm a lot better rounded than your average "computer guy". Classical literature? Hell yeah, I love that shit. People? I love talking about people. People-watching is great too! I can't say I'm into crowds or high-energy events (unless we are talking about high energy physics, which I got a brain-boner just mentioning), but spending time with a partner-in-crime is perfect.

I'm also creative as all get out. And I don't mean the productive kind of creative.

I'm kind of a "girly man" (you have to pronounce it with a Schwarzenegger accent) and tend to overthink things, but I'm working on that. Thankfully the flip-side of this is that I'm more empathetic than most guys and like to help people with their problems or at least listen to them.

The last important thing to know about me (that I can currently think of) is that I have a rather dry sense of humour. Some people get it. Others think I'm bizarre and possibly mentally challenged. You've been warned.

After some obligatory time "finding myself" (i.e., being a worthless sack of shit), and then hopping between companies as a contractor, I am finally in a programmer's dream job.

I... sort of didn't expect it to be that easy. Now all the time I spent mercilessly driving myself to learn more and do programming projects has become free time I don't really know how to use.

So what am I doing with my life? I'm not really sure yet.

Software development, web development, and general computer science-y things

Vocabulariousness

Getting a good sense of people and how they feel; empathy

Coming up with things on the fly... not necessarily good things, but an abundance of them (especially names; here's one off the top of my head: Tiffany Bearclaw. Hrmm, okay that wasn't so good. Please disregard)

I don't recall ever being in a situation where someone has felt the need to tell me what the first thing they noticed about me was.

Here's how I think it would go:
Me: "What's the first thing you noticed about me when we first met?"
Person: "Oh, well, your deep brown eyes."
Me: "...my eyes are blue."
Person: "They are? Oh... so they are. See you later."

In other words, they either don't want to say, or they don't remember. It's usually not until later that they find me memorable, for what it's worth.

Books:
I'm all about books that are deeper than the surface, with a cohesive motif and rich symbolism. The best example of this that I've found so far has been Virginia Woolf's "Mrs. Dalloway". Plus, Virginia Woolf is 1/3 of my Triumvirate of Dead Female Personal Heroes.
Other favourite books that come to mind are The Iliad and Fight Club.

Movies:
I really love movies that just feel BIG and EPIC due to how slickly they pull off making their story appear far-reaching, emotional, and dramatic. ...that is to say, it has to have an orchestral score...
Most recently Inception and the new Batman movies.
To a lesser extent, the Lord of the Rings trilogy.
And I always have a soft spot for Bladerunner and Memento.

TV Shows:
Currently The Big Bang Theory is the only show I watch regularly.
I've recently gotten back into watching Battlestar Galactica (the remake). I've never gotten very far past the first season, but how I love that season.
I also really liked Lost until its last season. It's kind of a shameful thing, though, since A) everyone only hears about "the smoke monster" and B) somehow those bastards managed to make every episode find some way to make me cry.
Oh, and Modern Family is also a good show, if you ask me.
Law & Order used to be a good staple, and so did Criminal Intent if you suspend your disbelief even more than normal.
And finally, Tosh.0. Just as long as you don't stumble upon an episode where someone is horribly injured on screen... then you sort of have to allow a few months "cringe period".

I'm sure I could "do" without pretty much anything, but trying imagine and put myself in situations where I'd have to makes me groan.
I'll just list 6 material objects which I use so frequently they might as well be sewn to my hands:
1) A computer--I'm a creator, and computers is how I create
2) A renewable supply of college-rule notebook paper--although my handwriting is atrocious, I understand things best when I "feel them out" by working them out on paper. Doodling is also important for creative outlet.
3) A good mechanical pencil--I am not a fan of normal pencils; mechanical pencils allow for much finer lines and consistency over time, which is important because--as I may have mentioned--my handwriting is atrocious.
4) A renewable supply of mechanical pencil lead compatible with #3--The only use for a mechanical pencil without lead would be to make a repetitive clicking noise, and that's not a very good way to make friends and influence people
5) A good ball-point pen--Pens offer a much smoother ride then their lead-based compatriots, and their un-erasability (stop pretending, pens with erasers) forces me to stop being such a perfectionist and accept little mistakes
6) Electricity--you know, for the computer and such

Word choice--I'm always writing, but I'm picky about finding the perfect words for my intended tone and voice, and I don't like reading things I've written, so I have to get it perfect the first time

How I could best explain the concepts of time, qualia, identity, and other abstract concepts to another person

How did that song go again?

What to do with the bodies

Whether someone will take outlandish things I say like the above seriously and think me creepy

Working late because it's Friday and nobody felt like working during the day.

I wouldn't normally admit this, but I guess it's pretty important for the purpose of this profile: I've never been in a romantic relationship, serious or otherwise (and surprisingly not due to the common reason of "social ineptitude", either).

Back in the school years when everyone else was having their first girl-/boy-friends and figuring the whole romance thing out, I was preoccupied with jump-starting my programming career and amassing computer science knowledge and experience. It was pretty lonely, but what girl would want to take a back seat to a computer project? There definitely wasn't time for both. I told myself I'd have time for dating when I'm 30 and burnt out and there's nothing left to learn.

Well I'm not 30, and there's plenty left to learn, but it's been a while since I re-evaluated this plan as "stupid" and "probably an excuse". However, I still consider short-term relationships to be a waste of time, and I've had enough experience as "life advice guy" for enough people to know when a potential relationship would be doomed from the start. That is, I would much rather enjoy a friendship with a girl with whom I'm not romantically compatible than use her for a relationship that's going nowhere.

That said, my lack of first-hand experience sometimes makes me feel a bit intimidated or uncomfortable considering that finding a girl in the same predicament would be like stumbling upon a unicorn in a random wooded clearing, but as long as you're understanding, it shouldn't be a problem.

...you read the above and thought I sound a lot like you, and you've read my more-verbose answers on the "The Two of Us" page and they didn't scare you away.

Of course, if you just think I might be an interesting person to gab with and you're an interesting person too, then I'd love to hear from you! Just make sure your intent is clear--awkward misunderstandings are awkward.