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kazhou

34 M 广州, China

My Details

Last Online
Mar 5, 2010
Orientation
Straight
Ethnicity
Middle Eastern, White, Other
Height
5′ 9″ (1.75m)
Body Type
Average
Diet
Smokes
Sometimes
Drinks
Socially
Drugs
Never
Religion
Other, and laughing about it
Sign
Aries, and it’s fun to think about
Education
Graduated from university
Job
Art / Music / Writing
Income
Rather not say
Relationship Status
Seeing Someone
Relationship Type
Offspring
Pets
Likes dogs and likes cats
Speaks
English (Fluently), Arabic (Fluently), French (Okay), Chinese (Poorly)

Similar Users

My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
Do words make you dizzy, and long sentences drowsy? Do sarcasm and satire give you flu-like symptoms? Wait, wait, would you like me to whip up a pretty flash presentation instead?

I’m Karl, and I’m, well, an acquired taste.

In 1997 I took a left turn at photography, swerved sharply towards web programming in '98, and skid to avoid software engineering (and slow death) a few years later; I tumbled down a cliff of unemployment into a car cemetery. Shakespeare was roasting quail, there beneath a tent he’d fashioned out of sonnets and a rusted 1963 Honda. This was well into 2006, and I’ve been a full-time writer ever since.

Not making any sense? Yeah, humor me.

Selling articles back home (Lebanon) is about as easy as selling canned sand (is this a cultural crack about Arabs and deserts? Oh yeah) but with time and luck I was contracted by a local publication, then two, then an international publication, then two, and finally when the kitchen got too hot and the instant coffee too mild, I broke off. There isn't enough whiskey in the world to endure a desk job.

I like reaching out to people, mostly to entertain (myself) and educate (us both), and show the modern world that we *gasp* no longer commute on camels – I of course own a camel ranch, but they’re modern and soft spoken camels, not at all barbaric – and while I’m at it perhaps kick some countrymen straight in the nostalgia, and remind that we’re all in love with the same woman, despite our differences.

Please hold for presumptuousness. Thank you.

I’m not entirely clear on how a writer is born, or if he is at all; yes I’m a reformed software engineer, but I can’t really remember a time when I didn’t write, or exactly when the programmer croaked. I do know that I was uncomfortable calling myself a writer until I found my voice, an elusive skank of a muse through which writers define their work. For me, Ambrose Bierce was that skank.

See, a style without a name can’t really exist – if a random tree falls down in a forest, who gives a crap? But call the tree Roger... So when someone asked me what I wrote, I knew I had to do better than: ‘Well, ya’ know, it’s like… well not so much…’ One had one’s reputation to consider. One considers much, as one would guess. One; what a funny word.

Where was I?

So Ambrose here had a clear voice, a clean minimalistic approach and he didn’t give a Mesocricetus auratus’s (really, just Google it) ass what people thought. He worked as an editor and a journalist, and fought in a war he later milked for material, and rightly so. I’ve had more war and less editing, more software and fewer short stories, but whatever he wrote resonated with me; I just knew what he meant. I was in love.

Very few authors have, for lack of a better term, bruised me quite as much (although Mark Twain is a close contender.) The Devil’s Dictionary was a masterpiece, and I don’t know if I’ve ever thanked my best friend enough for that book. Oi, thanks yeah?

So there you had it. The ‘Well, ya' know,’ was replaced with ‘Think Ambrose Bierce, and I’m somewhere around trying to shine his shoes;’ no clearer perhaps, but perfectly logical.

Satire is my favorite adult-education tool, and he so excelled with it that I often trashed my own attempts before they had a chance to mature. With the right word in the right place he could strip down preconceptions like they were some analogy I don’t really need to come up with.

Because that’s what it’s all about back home: it’s about violent, barely sentient masses blindly following religious and political leaders as though they held the keys to heaven, and could solve everything from famine to bowel consistency. And while you could politely ask a zombie to unhand the brain and adopt a vegetarian lifestyle, modern gaming has statistically shown that shotguns are more effective. Somewhat.

Satire is a literary shotgun; there is nothing quite as fascinating as making a man feel like an idiot in the privacy of his own mind. It numbs away the mob madness and creates a vacuum that forces the suddenly isolated moron to think for himself. There are no guarantees where he’ll go from there, but it is a fighting chance; and for every nitwit I kick in the brain, I’m assured a shot of scotch in heaven. Oh wait, the Druze (Google is your friend!) reincarnate; well I guess there’s no rush then.

I am articulate, funny, and not at all conceited
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
I haven't ridden a bicycle in some 20 years now; China is full of them. I've seen grandmothers ride with more skill and grace that I could muster even in the prime of my childhood, and dammit I'm jealous.

That being said, Guangzhou isn't a half bad place to settle down for a few years, start a business and finish my book. I'm a changed man! A reformed reporter! Once a slave to mass media and angry editors.. alright I'm exaggerating, but I do so enjoy all this freedom, and all the culture-shock-induced inspiration I have.

Fancy a minor role? 'I'll make you famous.

Just moved to Guangzhou, and getting a café up and running. Once that's done, I'll sit behind the bar, stare at all the interesting characters that walk in and type until my hairy fingers can type no longer. I'm writing a book you see, at least when I'm not procrastinating. I still write for a couple of publications, but we mostly don't get along. I'm too crude, they think. Fuck that though, I'm well refined.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Making pasta. Seriously, it's a curse - my fettuccine's addictive. I make a mean lasagna as well, but my new place has no oven. When I'm not playing Betty Crocker I just write, or stare at people and make up stories.

I'm also good at putting my foot in my mouth, not thinking before I speak and answering logical questions incorrectly. I need to feel stupid before I actually turn on my brain; it's called atrophy, and it comes from spending countless hours with idiots. Help me?
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
Oh who knows? The tattoo? The smile? The irresistible charm and wit, and ingenious glimmer in the eyes? The beer belly? Really, I'll have to conduct some field work for this one.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
No, no chance. I refuse to answer this one, I.. I... I HATE YOU ALL.

Oh hello.

Random (i.e., random) books: small gods, death trilogy, (pratchett); the hhgttg series, (adams); brave new world, ape and essence, the genius and the goddess, (huxley); the foundation series!!, left hand of the electron, (asimov); a brief history of time, (hawking); the afterglow of creation, (chown); from the earth to the moon, (verne); the little prince, (de saint-exupery); the lord of the rings, (tolkien); a portrait of the artist as a young man, (joyce); the dark tower series, (king).

Random (really, no particular order or ranking) movies: the wall, scent of a woman (the tango scene), the devil's advocate, the godfather trilogy, the usual suspects, the count of monte cristo, trainspotting, seven, the shawshank redemption, a beautiful mind, office space, fight club, the green mile, moulin rouge, the lord of the rings, requiem for a dream, donnie darko, clockwork orange, reservoir dogs, dog day afternoon, natural born killers, master and commander, spirited away, vampire hunter d, ninja scroll.

Random (I HATE this question) bands: pink floyd, pearl jam, metallica, toad the wet sprocket, dave matthews, marilyn manson, bush, radiohead, counting crows, live, perfect circle, alice in chains, beatles, led zeppelin, beck, crash test dummies, tool, nine inch nails, deppeche mode, dire straits, frank sinatra, itzhak perlman, porcupine tree, queen, hootie and the blowfish, simon & garfunkel, smashing pumpkins, stone temple pilots, pantera.

Food: I only eat sushi. Ever. OK, I also nibble on Italian food, but that's it. I might throw in Chinese noodles every so often, I'm in love with Arabic food, and I love raw veggies; but that's truly it! Oh who am I kidding? I'll eat anything that doesn't gross me out, especially if I cook it myself.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
Soup and sushi, family and friends, sex, books and the occasional shisha. I'm pretty low maintenance really.

Oh damn, is that seven? Forgive me, I have the dumb.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
Irrelevant topics that have no impact on life or reality. I also spend a lot of time making up stories and scenarios, and characters. Are we there yet?
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Exploring the local nightlife, and trying to find that perfect combination of pubs, clubs and night clubs that'll get you enough music and enough social interaction to keep you going for the next week. I may also just be behind a screen typing though, or smoking a shisha on the balcony and watching the neighbors. They keep staring at my tattoos; they have cooties.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
Nothing. I'll answer just about anything for shits and giggles, but making things public is a bit too outside the box for me.
I’m looking for
  • Girls who like guys
  • Ages 21–26
  • Located anywhere
  • For new friends
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
You'd make a good character in an upcoming bestseller. Seriously, if you have a great story to tell, I'd love to hear it. The weirder the better.

If you think I'm an idiot, then we'd likely hit it off magnificently.

If you want to talk, a lot, and about nothing, I love you already.

Also drop me a note if you speak English, and live in Guangzhou; I've been looking for someone to run with, or hit the gym. I've the speed of a muffin and stamina of a cucumber, but I still would love the company, and could use the exercise.