So I was handfast with two beautiful women not too long ago, but one of them broke my heart and the other and I. . . may be growing apart. . . . I was recently seeing an amazing woman online, then she got sick, then she died. . . things have been rough the last few years. Much rougher than I ever imagined they could be. Still, I do my best, I work on my wounds, try to heal, grow past a lifetime of strange events and disjointed happenings that. . . have left many scars.
I'm transsexual, MTF, was classified male on my birth certificate and all that jazz. . . it um, sucks, frankly, being labelled something you're so very not because of an accident of birth. Complicated issue that, if you don't know it. . . well, I'm open to questions, I'm a very open person. I have a lot of faults, but I don't hide them, so I guess that's something?
I don't lie, I like to say I believe in truth, but it's not really that entirely, I mean I do, I really do, but. . . it's also kind of a compulsive thing with me, I can't bring myself to tell an intentional non-truth. Often wrong, can delude myself at times, and. . . I'll admit I've danced around the truth without actively lying before when I wanted to deceive. . . I prefer not to deceive, but, life demands it at times. . . and I'm not always as strong as my convictions want me to be. But, for what it's worth, I don't lie at least, it's sort of something, I guess?
I'm also, kind of rather a mess sometimes, I have a lot of anger, a lot of pain in me, a lot of issues, a lot of problems, anxiety issues and the like. . . I am trying to be a better person, but. . . it's not easy and I have a lot I need to deal with, and a very hard time accepting some of my problems. Getting better at that at least, and that's, something anyway.
Right now, as of this writing, I'm about as low as I've ever been, sorrow. . . sadness. . . bleah. . . sucks, but. . . just writing it out, just saying, here's me, and thinking, maybe someone will still find me, interesting at all? Maybe, just maybe. . . the thought helps.
What I’m doing with my life
Right now, I don't know, looking for a way to find work to become independent of a relationship that I think is unhealthy as it is. . . hoping that the future will be. . . better, that I am, not as unlovable as I feel, because, that's what I believe in above all things, love, the love I feel for the world, for those who touch my heart, even briefly, for friends, family, loves lost and lingering threads of losses that remain. . . just looking for the way that gets me by, maybe even a way to find. . . something meaningful. Really meaningful. I believe in life, or at least I try to, but. . . it's hard sometimes.
I’m really good at
Creating worlds. That's what I do really... I'd like to fancy
myself an author, but... honestly, my talent in writing doesn't
line up that way, I can do all the things involved, write dialogue,
create characters, plot, settings, describe things, but... chaining
it altogether I fail somewhere invariably. I'm told my poetry is
decent though. My greatest talent is designing games, not on
computer, I can do that, but I really don't care to, but table top
games, I've created everything from card games, to strategy games,
to board games, to... but my baby, my masterpiece is my role
playing game system. I've been working on it for more than 15 years
now, run it every week for the last 10, refining, I intend to
publish someday, but... with my own money, under my own name, I
don't want to lose control of it like so many writers have. I'm
good at alot of other things as well, video games, problem solving,
I'm actually rather intelligent, don't like to brag, well, no...
actually I love to, but hate it when I catch myself doing it. I
also have a knack for run-on sentences. ;)
The first things people usually notice about me
Not really sure, but people seldom forget me so something must be
catching their attention I guess.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
I don't really know anymore.
The six things I could never do without
The closeness lost to me, the hope in which I once believed, the truths that these eyes used to see, the you, the them, the me. . . I don't know. . . .
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Where exactly I went wrong, if there's anything left I can do to salvage my life, if anyone could ever really love me when, I don't. . . deep hollow empty thoughts. . . when I'm lucky I can distract myself with one of my games, I write those, I'm a world builder, but sometimes it feels. . . hollow. . . still, I've invested a lifetime of work into it, so I try to find meaning there. . . . Sometimes, meaning, is hard to find.
On a typical Friday night I am
Doing very little, I can't really go anywhere, I don't have a vehicle yet, and I can't walk much, so. . . it's home, alone, in the quiet empty hours that can't be filled, it's usually the worst day of the week for me. I have my game every thursday, things to do on monday, which sometimes stretch through enough of tuesday to keep me busy, wednesday I focus on preparing for thursday, the weekend, saturday and sunday, I try to meet up with those friends I have left, on the days when they are free, often find a way to pass the time, but friday is always slow, draggy, and miserable. . . i hate fridays, hope that can change someday soon though.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I'm hurt, and I know that's not okay and people hate that stuff and talk about 'drama' and label people for being that way and more so it seems lately, at least in my life, though I've heard others say it's better. . . who knows but for what their own eyes show? I am a wounded creature with deep fissures and ugly scars, but. . . I'm not a mopey sort, I'm not one to seek pain or just dwell and linger there, I'm trying to find my way from a deep mire of the spirit, and it's. . . slower than I'd like, but. . . I'd like to believe, love to believe, that somehow, to someone, I might be able to be. . . something beautiful, even with all that's wrong with me. . . but I don't know how much I really believe in that hope, I've hoped before, and hurt for it, I've believed and known before, and burned for it. . . and many of the scars I carry come from thinking I could be me, and loved for that. . . . And that's a pretty private thing to say, but. . . I've never had much of a filter anyway.
You should message me if
You can see some glimmer of what might still shine beneath the bitter murk in my mind. . . if you want to talk, I'm always up to talking. . . I always want to talk to someone. . . they say talk is cheap but. . . I've always treasured it. Message if you want to.