Message me if you have a box of kittens. Okay, well, that might
narrow the field too much.
Message me if you have a cat and I can caress him/her. No
seriously. I want to play with your cat! Or dog! I will walk your
dog for hours. We'll come back and nap, me and your dog-- maybe you
too. If you live in Brooklyn and look like you could play in a
civil war reenactment, bonus. Scratch all of that. Pet ownership,
Brooklyn residence and facial hair are all negotiable.
Don't get rid of your sexy stubble and tell me you shaved for me.
There are few joys as glorious as kissing a somewhat bearded man.
If I wanted to kiss hairless face, I could kiss girls. But don't
look as if you belong to ZZ Top unless you are actually a member of
the band. I've got legs and I know how to use them.
Contact me if you don't just snore, but you snore like an obese man
who swallowed a lawnmower. But don't be obese.
Drink or don't drink, but don't be alcoholic. I don't enjoy the
company of people who are constantly high nor consistently
Skip over this if you're orange, or if you're denying you're orange
but you own lots of tanning cream. I've never found anyone Oompah
Loompa colored to be attractive and the level of narcissism
necessary to tint your skin with potentially cancer causing
chemicals is outside of my scope of comprehension. You will do
better with someone who appreciates your quest to color your flesh.
Every bread has its cheese.
If you're most proud of how your chest, abs or other body parts
look, you're not for me. We just won't connect. You'll eventually
be annoyed that I don't fawn over your chest, abs, arms that you so
religiously work at to look like inflated balloons under your skin.
I'm sure you'd like some appreciation or acknowledgement for all
your exertion and I really won't care. It's a bread/cheese thing
I'm impressed by other things such as people with beautiful hearts,
spontaneous and unexpected displays of humility, moments that
require human interaction that would potentially happen if you
weren't repeatedly lifting a piece of iron and setting it back down
in some vain pursuit, etc. I prefer emotionally mature people
capable of a range of emotions, complex thoughts, and
superhero-like mental strength. I'm kidding. Or am I?
Message me if you're amazing. Or hot. Hot is nice. Amazing AND hot
will be a little bit much. I wouldn't know how to handle myself. :)
--this was a trick. Amazing IS ALWAYS HOT. Keeping up appearances
is a lot like wearing self tanner or inflating your muscles like
Write me if you're living your life authentically, you're
unabashedly yourself and that person is kind. I'm serious about the
kindness. There is nothing kind that ever followed a racial or
ethnic slur. You can't be kind while you're judging people.
Message me if you're leaving the world better off for having been
in it because that makes you awesome! I will love and admire you
and treasure a friendship even if there is no romantic
If you're in transition between homes, jobs or transitioning out of
a relationship, figure all that out first, then let's meet.
Don't be mediocre.
Be prepared for good things to happen.
OTHERWISE, the person you're pretending to be will have a bad time
with the image of who you assume I am.
If you've made it this far, ask me out for a cup of coffee. Or if
you glanced the pictures and felt like it, send me an invitation
for some tea. If you mildly enjoyed reading the above, you might
enjoy my company over margaritas (or a caipirinha, or something
quite like it). If your cousin's wedding is coming up and you need
an emergency pretend wife, know that I clean up well. Send a
message. And don't be creepy; I am after all a human being. You can
do it! Bring your A-game because I'm worth it.