~*- CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE PROFILE -*~
ONE
The adventure begins. You have arrived at the profile of an attractive stranger. You blink at the glare of the monitor while considering your situation. Taking stock of your surroundings, you find a great deal of words below and thumbnail pictures above. Obvious exits are North, South, X, and Hide.
If you check out my pictures, go to TWO.
If you continue reading the profile, go to THREE.
If you are offended or disgusted by what you have seen so far, go to SIX.
TWO
You click through to the picture page. Appearances are important, of course, if not everything. After getting a sense of the various ways I have looked over the years and casually evaluating what you think of my person based on how I choose to present myself, you must make another decision.
If you are so taken by my beauty that you can no longer feel your extremities for lack of proper circulation, go to FIVE.
If you believe my looks are in the range of "adequate" to "pretty attractive" and would like to know more about my personality to complete your evaluation, go to THREE.
If you have already read my profile and now have generally positive feelings about me as a package, go to NINE.
If you realize that my odious lack of style is surpassed only by my malformed and unholy visage, go to SIX.
THREE
You scroll down to the various categories below this adventure and voraciously absorb all you can about my tastes, interests, and activities. My words dance off the screen and stimulate your brain like a fireworks display. After excusing my occasional cliched metaphor, you proceed to another crossroads.
If you find me absolutely fascinating as well as attractive and can only think of the hours of stimulating conversation in which we will presently engage, go to NINE.
If you have both enjoyed and related to what you read but would like to get a better idea of whether your interest in me is physical as well, to go TWO.
If you believe I am an interesting person but that my personality would likely not mesh with your own for real, yet nonjudgmental reasons, go to FOUR.
If you decide I am a complete fuckwit with nothing to offer to society, you are mean. Go to TEN.
FOUR
I appreciate your serious consideration of my persona in relation to your own. There are not many as thoughtful and honest as you. Kudos. You move on from my profile to explore other options. On the way, however, you are linked to a YouTube video of kittens playing in a pile of Kleenex. You watch it over and over again until you die of starvation. THE END.
FIVE
It would appear that your only recourse is to deal with these extreme feelings.
If you message me lewdly in your overexcited state, go to SEVEN.
If you take a few breaths before messaging me so your message will be more civilized, go to NINE.
If you forsake your urges entirely and take a cold shower, go to EIGHT.
SIX
Supressing the urge to vomit (barely), you click off of my profile looking for sexier pastures. After some doing, you shoot off messages to a trim young lawyer in the West Village. Following some correspondence, you meet for coffee only to find that he has grossly misrepresented himself. The following two hours are the most uncomfortable and torturous of your life, and you walk away regretting you ever went on the Internet in the first place. You join a monastery and live out your remaining years in austere reflection. THE END.
SEVEN
You decide to send me a frantic, sexually-charged message. Unfortunately, as you are typing to ask me the size of my penis, your libido goes nova and you blow out the power for the entire neighborhood. Pitched into absolute darkness, you are killed by a grue. THE END.
EIGHT
The shower is so cold that you turn to a block of ice. You are dead. THE END.
NINE
You have decided to send me a nice message. You give me some information about yourself, charm me with your wit, and conclude with an expression of anticipation for a response. Bravo. You have completed your mission, and there is nothing to do now but wait. It has been a pleasure adventuring with you. Enjoy the rest of your day. THE END?
TEN
While I appreciate your right to judge me as you see fit, I would ask that you do so with less disdain. You consider this and decide that in fact, distain is right for you. Fair enough. While walking across a bridge, the troll tricks you into luring children into his lair so he can eat them. You are arrested as an accomplice to murder and live out your remaining years in a windowless tower. THE END.
ONE
The adventure begins. You have arrived at the profile of an attractive stranger. You blink at the glare of the monitor while considering your situation. Taking stock of your surroundings, you find a great deal of words below and thumbnail pictures above. Obvious exits are North, South, X, and Hide.
If you check out my pictures, go to TWO.
If you continue reading the profile, go to THREE.
If you are offended or disgusted by what you have seen so far, go to SIX.
TWO
You click through to the picture page. Appearances are important, of course, if not everything. After getting a sense of the various ways I have looked over the years and casually evaluating what you think of my person based on how I choose to present myself, you must make another decision.
If you are so taken by my beauty that you can no longer feel your extremities for lack of proper circulation, go to FIVE.
If you believe my looks are in the range of "adequate" to "pretty attractive" and would like to know more about my personality to complete your evaluation, go to THREE.
If you have already read my profile and now have generally positive feelings about me as a package, go to NINE.
If you realize that my odious lack of style is surpassed only by my malformed and unholy visage, go to SIX.
THREE
You scroll down to the various categories below this adventure and voraciously absorb all you can about my tastes, interests, and activities. My words dance off the screen and stimulate your brain like a fireworks display. After excusing my occasional cliched metaphor, you proceed to another crossroads.
If you find me absolutely fascinating as well as attractive and can only think of the hours of stimulating conversation in which we will presently engage, go to NINE.
If you have both enjoyed and related to what you read but would like to get a better idea of whether your interest in me is physical as well, to go TWO.
If you believe I am an interesting person but that my personality would likely not mesh with your own for real, yet nonjudgmental reasons, go to FOUR.
If you decide I am a complete fuckwit with nothing to offer to society, you are mean. Go to TEN.
FOUR
I appreciate your serious consideration of my persona in relation to your own. There are not many as thoughtful and honest as you. Kudos. You move on from my profile to explore other options. On the way, however, you are linked to a YouTube video of kittens playing in a pile of Kleenex. You watch it over and over again until you die of starvation. THE END.
FIVE
It would appear that your only recourse is to deal with these extreme feelings.
If you message me lewdly in your overexcited state, go to SEVEN.
If you take a few breaths before messaging me so your message will be more civilized, go to NINE.
If you forsake your urges entirely and take a cold shower, go to EIGHT.
SIX
Supressing the urge to vomit (barely), you click off of my profile looking for sexier pastures. After some doing, you shoot off messages to a trim young lawyer in the West Village. Following some correspondence, you meet for coffee only to find that he has grossly misrepresented himself. The following two hours are the most uncomfortable and torturous of your life, and you walk away regretting you ever went on the Internet in the first place. You join a monastery and live out your remaining years in austere reflection. THE END.
SEVEN
You decide to send me a frantic, sexually-charged message. Unfortunately, as you are typing to ask me the size of my penis, your libido goes nova and you blow out the power for the entire neighborhood. Pitched into absolute darkness, you are killed by a grue. THE END.
EIGHT
The shower is so cold that you turn to a block of ice. You are dead. THE END.
NINE
You have decided to send me a nice message. You give me some information about yourself, charm me with your wit, and conclude with an expression of anticipation for a response. Bravo. You have completed your mission, and there is nothing to do now but wait. It has been a pleasure adventuring with you. Enjoy the rest of your day. THE END?
TEN
While I appreciate your right to judge me as you see fit, I would ask that you do so with less disdain. You consider this and decide that in fact, distain is right for you. Fair enough. While walking across a bridge, the troll tricks you into luring children into his lair so he can eat them. You are arrested as an accomplice to murder and live out your remaining years in a windowless tower. THE END.
