I have a shirt that says World's Best Grandma and I sometimes wear it to get stares. I want my last photo to be of me near death in the hospital smiling with my middle finger up. I get royalties for the character of Steve Urkel. I CAN eat just one Lay's potato chip as long as it's as big as a pizza. I am one of the world's finest practitioners of Yo Mama jokes. I'm not always law abiding, sometimes I break the laws of gravity and dance on my ceiling.

Going on Craigslist and advertising that I have a free flat screen TV I'd like to give away, but then when the person comes over, I talk in a fake Italian accent and say "Oh you looking for Pepe, he's a-dead"

Getting ketchup from glass bottles, coming up with stuff to say on OKCupid profiles

I have the exact same voice as Barney the purple dinosaur.

Books: Master of the Senate, War and Peace, 1984. Any pop-up book will suffice unless its something gross like Barbara Bush.

Movies: Trainspotting, Ghost World, SLC Punk, Best Years of Our Lives, Back to the Future, Barfly. I don't go to the movies anymore, the girls always leave their guys to sit near me so I'm banned from all the major theatre chains.

Music: loads of punk, metal and rock. Cheap Trick, Buzzcocks, Ramones, Pulp, David Bowie, Dokken, Oasis, Manic Street Preachers, that "meow meow meow meow" song

Food: shmoke and a pancake

opening theme of the cosby show and rule breaking so I won't list six things.

if Bert and Ernie are made of sponge, how come they don't absorb all the water in the bathtub? Is that really spinach Popeye stuffs in his pipe and how come Popeye's don't serve spinach?

riding around in my zeppelin, throwing lavish parties at my house, a dumpster behind a 7-11.

When I hear a loud whistle, I slide down a dinosaur's tail and go "yabba dabba doo!"

You just want to do fun things like going around slapping bald people on the head.

I get a lot of mail so if I don't get back to you too quickly keep hope alive lol.

NO TEA PARTIERS!!!!!!
(except if you mean like the one where you have a pretty tea pot and eat watercress sandwiches and junk, that's ok by me.)

******NOTE******
If you have something on your profile that says "don't contact me if you don't know the difference between your/you're" then DO NOT CONTACT ME! If you're such an uptight control freak that bad grammar and foreigners who don't speak English perfectly send you into a flying rage, I want no part of you in my life.