+ Someone who has NOT travelled the world. I will only disappoint you when you realise I'll never excite you as much as posing with a real life tiger.
+ No fitness fanatics. The most exercise you'll get out of me is a fuck-like-rabbits sex romp that will inevitably not last longer than 10 minutes. I bought running shoes recently. They'll lie in my room mocking me until I eventually start wearing them as some kind of (failing) Hipster statement.
+ A creative interesting starving artist type, who will shame (or encourage) me into following my own creative based dreams. Bar staff also acceptable, as we all know this is the stop-gap to be becoming a rock star, and we will keep the same antisocial hours.
+ Someone who actually wants to be in a relationship. No nervy commitment phobes. No life-long batchelors. No game playing fuckwits.
+ Someone who is good at cooking, and is happy to share this talent without expecting any culinary favours in return.
+ OR Someone who is not good at cooking, and is happy to share takeaway details and consider Icelands frozen party platter to be an acceptable meal.
+ Someone who will act silly on the street.
+ DIY skills preferable, but not essential, though my flat has it's fair share of odd jobs that will never be completed by me...
+ Someone who will make me laugh so hard it makes me spit beverages out unattractivly; this however should be looked upon with fondness, not disgust.
+ Emotional baggage welcome, alongside your acceptance of mine. A lil give n take.
+ A partner in crime who doesn't frown upon binge-smoking/drinking/eating/complaining/tv watching.
+ Someone who can see through this sarcastic rant, thinks we could be best friends, will enhance my life and love me warts n all in return of mutual feelings.
Providing this has made me come across as the opposite of a man hating psycho nut job (I'm actually not - I'm great!), then apply within if you think you could be the one. And by the one I mean someone who will happily cling on to me, as I will to you, as we ride our shitty homemade raft through the shit storm that our quarter-life 20-something existence is turning out to be.