Man, this is brutal. Who the fuck thought it was a good idea to make people write mini-essays about things that they like about themselves as advertising copy? Whoever that person is, and I suspect that it's an Indian mother, is probably the greatest social assassin of all time. Take that, Larry David. Real Larry David, I mean, not just the Larry David you play on t.v. (Remember that nineties ad campaign, "It's not t.v. It's H.B.O."? Yeah, it's t.v., and no, I'm not sorry about it.)

A good friend of mine told me recently, "You act like a fratboy, but nobody notices because you look like a hipster." Basically, that means that I behave like a liberal arts graduate in Austin. I've been living in and out of Austin for a long, long time. In fact, I summarised it this way on a Facebook post not long ago:

"Any given Friday 1996 - 1999:

I drive to Spiderhouse in a Honda Accord, wearing grey slacks, black Converse and a Jon Spencer Blues Explosion tee-shirt, chair-dancing to "Ill Communication" by The Beastie Boys on the way.

This Friday:

I drive to Spiderhouse in a Honda Accord, wearing grey slacks, black Converse and a Jon Spencer Blues Explosion tee-shirt, chair-dancing to "Ill Communication" by The Beastie Boys on the way.

Time changes less than you'd think, apparently."

I've lived in coastal cities, mostly, like New York, Houston, Pusan, Boston and DC, but Austin is always a centre of gravity, and I seem to wind up back here.

By the way, I'm really not a fratboy, and I have no idea why she said that, but it is funny and something to say about myself, I suppose. I love practical jokes. I love puns. I love punning on people's names, even if it never registers with them.

Oh, also, does anyone else think that Alvin Plantinga is the world's biggest troll?

From the outside, you could say that I spend my time doing a lot of statistics and a lot of software development for money and exploring life with friends in Austin.

From the inside, I'm trying to figure out what the meaning of that question is so that I can properly answer it and move on.

Oh, also, a life dream of mine has been to own a 1972 Fender Thinline Telecaster. The fact that I don't have one, but one of the assholes from Coldplay got to play one really, really, really pisses me off.

I suppose that I could use this space to brag about my achievements, and if my Indian parents had their way, I certainly would. Here are things that I think that I'm good at that are important.

1. Finding the humour in (sometimes obscure) little things.

Music Geek example:Think of Tom Verlaine. What are his initials? "T.V." TV? TELEVISION! Get it? Wow!

Is Life Just Too Weird example: In San Antonio, Texas, there is a car wash called "The Baruch Spinoza Car Wash." Really. The Baruch Spinoza Car Wash. ( https://www.facebook.com/pages/Baruch-Spinoza-Car-Wash/209179442437474 ), in case you don't believe me.

2. Making the best of a bad break. I was with a bunch of friends one night in DFW (believe me, not my choice to be there) at this ridiculous chain restaurant and the guy at the table behind us was drunkenly breaking up with his girlfriend. She walked out on him and the guy drunkenly joined our group. Instead of finding a way to leave or telling him to get lost, we found a way to include him in the revelry and he wound up having a great time. I never saw that guy again, but I like to think that we made a bad night a little less awful for him.

3. I can make something tasty out of almost any set of ingredients. I once made a passable BBQ sauce out of brown sugar, white wine vinegar, black pepper, salt, crushed red pepper packets from a pizza place and what must have been a three year old package of generic "Italian seasoning", that we wound up serving over generic mac and cheese and hot dogs. It was passable, to say the least.

4. I can tie a necktie or bow tie into any knot under any condition. Really.

I've got hair that that's big, thick, black and wavy. It's also constantly changing, because I grow it out to donate to Locks of Love. So, at any point in time, my hair could look radically different.

Oh, also, I'm bipedal. I suppose people notice that before they notice my hair.

I like to read. I'll read almost anything, ranging from George R.R. Martin's novels and superhero comics to histories of history. Really, histories of history.

I don't really watch television or movies very frequently, but I really enjoy things ranging from wuxia to the films of Cronenberg. (This probably makes me sound like a pretentious film school grad. I'm really not. I'm a pretentious philosophy grad. Precision in pretense is important, no?)

I'm pretty open minded and will try anything at least once, just about. Then again, this open mindedness has gotten me into trouble, as I once wound up at a Blues Traveler show because of it. That was maybe twenty years ago, but I have never gotten over the trauma of it.

Music...I've never seen the point in lists of things that I like or vague genre definitions. Within just about any genre I am exposed to, I can find something I like. I think that my all time favourite love song is probably Ride's "Vapour Trail".

Food...Well, I love to cook and I love to eat.

1. Pen and paper: I have a notebook and pens on me at all times.
2. A musical instrument: I play a few of them recreationally, and I find it very, very relaxing.
3. A pair of Converse: low top black Converse have been my go to shoes for decades.
4. Access to books: I love reading. I usually buy them, but a library card is essential if I can't buy them.
5. My family: They're my anchor.
6. Some means of listening to music: Without listening to music, I think that my life would be very sad.

1. What makes a Bloody Mary truly magnificent?

2. If we could meaningfully map music to colours and shapes, rather than arbitrarily, what would the patterns of sound look like?

3. Why does my cat think that being irritating is what will make me want to spend time with him?

4. How to be a better friend, son, brother, uncle and nephew.

5. If I were to find a set that contained itself, what would that set be? I mean, I know that it's symbolically possible, but what would a real world example of a set that contained itself be?

Actually, I have kung fu classes on Friday nights and an early morning jazz guitar lesson on Saturdays, so I take it pretty easy on Fridays. Therefore I am going to answer a prompt of my own choosing, which is, "On a typical Saturday night I am..."

There is a set of things that I am most likely to be doing. The elements are:

1. hanging out with friends at a dive bar and catching up,
2. trying out a restaurant or a cocktail bar,
3. going to see a band or a DJ somewhere, just for kicks,
4. having or attending a dinner party,
5. having or attending a bonfire,
6. reading something,
7. jamming out on my guitar or bass.

1. I have before eaten beerios. Granted, it was in my twenties, but there you go.

2. I have before said the following things in conversation without any sense of irony:

a. "Dude, I'm the trillest Classics major you'll ever meet."

b. "I stunt hard like the '86 Astros."

c. "May you go fuck yourself and discover that you're a lousy lay."

d. "Man, seriously, I don't brag much, but you've got to remember that when it comes to math, I'm kind of like The Sundance Kid."

e. "I'm convinced that Socrates was a gangsta rapper."

Every one of these comments was made after I was thirty.

At the very least, I suppose, if the above has made you interested in talking to me further, you should send me a message. Extra points if you are as irritated as I am by the use of "message" as a verb.

If you like to laugh, go exploring and your idea of a perfect evening involves playing music in the woods and drinking wine, we'll probably have something in common!

If you'd be interested in sending me dead flowers every morning, on the condition that I won't forget to put roses on your grave.

Oh, also, if you catch the reference in my profile name, then you are at least as big a nerd as I am.

No bigots. Nazi punks fuck off.