I have a little brother who didn't like the banana flavored Popsicles, which meant that he started eating the cherry and root beer flavored ones. Those were my Popsicles. All my friends had learned to stay away from my frozen yum yums, but my little brother never learned. I tried hiding them in the refrigerator, but they melted and he ate them anyway. I also have a little sister who ate the marshmallows out of the Lucky Charms, but that story is too long for this section.

I just moved into town, so I had to leave all my Bozeman girlfriends behind. I wanted to bring all seven of them, but there is only room for one in my apartment so I did what was right and gave all my girlfriends to my friend Mark. (Mark is shy and has a hard time finding his own girlfriends.)

I spend the daylight hours conquering the corporate world as a dashing promotions producer. Occasionally, I descend from the heights of my own greatness to perform karaoke for a grateful and fortunate public.

I can eat the ice cream from an ice cream sandwich without breaking the cookies.

I once spent four days camping in my backyard and I was covered in mud by the end of it. That would be the first thing that you would notice, but that happened fifteen years ago.

Books take too long! Who has time for that anyway? I say, "Grow up and get a life book worms!" While you're busy being a nerd I'm getting stupid in the club and getting down! Yeah!

1. air
2. food
3. water
4. sleep
5. shelter
6. the sun (warmth)

My sock drawer is too full because I keep my crackers in there as well.

Rocking out with my comedy band, The Taking Tree. (You should come see us!)

Only my best friend Mark knows that I kissed a girl who turned out to be my cousin when I was 12. It's not that I didn't know she was my cousin, it's that I didn't know my cousin would tell her mom.

Suppose my car is filled with bees and I am trapped inside. How do you save me from getting bored?