Find better matches with our advanced
matching system

—% Match
—% Enemy

masturdator

29 Chicago, IL Man

Man

I’m looking for

  • Women
  • Ages 21–34
  • Near me
  • Who are single
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating

My Details

Last Online
Yesterday – 3:03pm
Orientation
Straight
Ethnicity
White
Height
6′ 1″ (1.85m)
Body Type
Thin
Diet
Strictly anything
Smokes
Sometimes
Drinks
Often
Drugs
Sometimes
Religion
Atheism, and laughing about it
Sign
Aquarius, but it doesn’t matter
Education
Graduated from masters program
Job
Banking / Finance
Income
Relationship Status
Single
Relationship Type
Offspring
Pets
Speaks
English (Fluently), Spanish (Poorly), French (Poorly)

Similar Users

My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
I want to first note that this is a terrible thing to ask someone to write and I am principally opposed to it in every way.

In summary, I'm decently handsome and intelligent by most available measures. I'm kind but not in a sycophantic nice guy sort of way. I try to find humor in everything. I eat the sandwiches that I want to eat and I sing the songs I want to sing. I like going to places and eating/drinking lots of stuff. I am an enthusiastic and critical observer and digester of art and media and cat videos.

People seem to like posting their MBTI type on here, so I'm INTP. This is rare which means it's good.

I am calm, collected, and probably insane.

OKCupid doesn't require you to have that little 3 trait summary anymore but I like that sentence.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
I went to school a bunch and now I have a pretty sweet job at a bank. I strut about in fancy tasseled loafers and crisply ironed shirts and do a very convincing impression of a responsible adult.

When I'm not doing that....I do other things. I enjoy eating and drinking excessively. I watch and/or do things that entertain me. I might play golf or mess with my cat or get a sudden urge to fix stuff. I write vague statements about myself on the internet so that I can be evaluated by strangers. Stuff like that.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Taking ownership. Having fun with it. Improving things. Precision. Making terrible jokes. Knowing when to shut up. I'm pretty sure I'm an excellent driver. I'm an asshole to cabs on purpose, because karma. Opening champagne without letting it pop. Burning stuff on a grill. Stealing things off the internet.

I'm good at....going to restaurants and ordering too many indulgent things. Is that a skill? I'm also good at golf. I have also recently attempted to learn French but that didn't go very far.

I excel at allocating space efficiently on public transit. This is part of a larger skillset I think of as being a considerate and reliable human. I'm pretty good at whipping up a cocktail as well (or, just pouring whiskey in a glass) but nowhere compared to people who actually get paid to do this. I am probably pretty good at making you laugh. I like to think I'm good in the kitchen, but really I've just eaten enough delicious food at various restaurants to do an impression of someone with actual skills. I have a keen eye for...stuff. I'd be a good detective.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
Symmetry, I hope? My height coupled with my lanky yet broad-shouldered build. A calming presence. Probably my hair. It causes people to assume I'm in a band. Dressed...respectably, usually? I have a lot of clothes for a guy. I have nice shoes. Rugged good looks and rapist wit. Testosterone-laden natural musk.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
No more giant list of things. This is tedious.

Media - yes. It is good. I like Breaking Bad and the Wire and blah de blah and probably anything with Liam Neeson and I get most of my news from Daily Show and Colbert. Games? Yes, also games. All manner of games - board games, videogames, sure. Music is also good. If you want to get specific in these areas we can save that for the part where we are actually talking about things.

Food? Yes, also good. Raw seafood or places with ampersands in the name or tacos or whatever. I will judge you hard if you think Michelin stars have something to do with tires.

Books...maybe? The internet has sort of ruined reading for me. When I do read something, I usually pick up some old 'classic' that I've heard referenced many times over but have never read. I have cultural catching-up to do here.

The Onion is basically my inner monologue, on a particularly good day.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
Stupid / hilarious things on the internet
Contact lenses
Other humans I can stand
Hot showers
Fancy phone...although it's not so much the phone as it is the access to information.
Tasty beer
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
Is my pervy pun of a username turning people off? I think it's a good filter. If it's off-putting to you, we probably don't need to talk. Why is everyone walking so slow? Why is laughter a behavior that persists when subjected to natural selection? What is in the fridge that I can just grab and put in my face and stop being hungry and go back to whatever I was doing? Why did I just get up and walk into this room? Why is everyone at this red light inching forward every few seconds? We're at a red light. Soon it will not be red.

Why so many girls on here have usernames ending with '_taco'....seriously, what is that. That's like if I made my name "somedude_sausage".
UPDATE: Someone explained this to me in a message....I am very disappointed in you ladies.

Why preferences in food are important enough to me that I judge someone when they neglect to fill out the 'diet' part of their profile. How can you NOT have an opinion?! At least put 'Anything'. I hate you.

I peoplewatch a lot...people are constantly doing stuff that is funny and/or hard to explain. Example: About half the people I see wearing a nice dressy style winter coat never bothered to undo that little piece of stitching that holds the tails of the coat together at the bottom. I bet their pockets are still sewn shut too. They probably just think this is how it is when you buy nice clothing. Pockets are for people with no class. I haven't come up with a good way to do anything about this...approaching people on the train with a smile and a tiny pair of scissors has not yielded desirable results.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Out doing something excessive? I like good cocktails, but I like really divey places too. I am most certainly not 'out with the bros', or whatever people put here, but I do like to go out and eat/drink to a degree of excess. I avoid places that try to appeal to everyone and/or have lots of TV screens.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I manscape....I'll leave it up to you to decide what that means.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
You've got something interesting to say or a good joke to make. You are intelligent, attractive, and funny. You want to drink whiskey and argue about things. You want to drink whiskey and make juvenile jokes at each other. You have grandiose plans and ambitions. These things are a good start.