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masturdator

29 M Chicago, IL

My Details

Last Online
Yesterday – 9:15pm
Orientation
Straight
Ethnicity
White
Height
6′ 1″ (1.85m)
Body Type
Thin
Diet
Strictly anything
Smokes
Sometimes
Drinks
Often
Drugs
Sometimes
Religion
Atheism, and laughing about it
Sign
Aquarius, but it doesn’t matter
Education
Graduated from masters program
Job
Other
Income
Relationship Status
Single
Relationship Type
Offspring
Pets
Speaks
English (Fluently), Spanish (Poorly), French (Poorly)

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My self-summary
I want to first note that this is a terrible thing to ask someone to write and I am principally opposed to it in every way.

I refuse to make any claims about me as a person here until I can come up with something that I think is both true and not one of the things that every body says no matter what. I'm not a "good listener" or a "loyal" anything nor am I "fun-loving" or "quirky" and I hate to travel. I hate all of that! OK!? I will, however, show you new levels of crass humor and terrible puns if you seem game for it.

Example pun: I have two cats - not like I'm a big cat person....an ex wanted them and now they're just sort of here. They are Meyonce Knowles and Margaret Scratcher.

I'm endlessly analytical about everything. I'm pretty sure I have a creative side, but I left it behind somewhere and started doing lots of math. It's probably something to do with wanting to have a degree that would make it easier to get a job so I wouldn't have to stumble back to small town nowhere land post-graduation. Teachers always said I'd be an artist when I grew up and they were WRONG, but I am still an enthusiastic and critical observer and digester of art.

I like to be difficult to categorize. Easier to surprise people that way and mess with their stereotypes. I ask a lot of questions. I like dive bars and high end restaurants and I mostly leave out the stuff in between. I do not ride a bike in the city because I do not trust myself to be the kind of bike rider I would want to be. Every time I see someone casually coast out into the middle of Belmont/Lincoln/Ashland or some similar giant clusterf*ck of an intersection and manage to get where they want to go AND not kill themselves, I am like damn.....damn. A tip of the cap to you. I'm a great walker, though.

People seem to like posting their MBTI type on here, so I'm INTP. I am told that's one of the rare ones which means it's good.

I am calm, collected, and probably insane.

OKCupid doesn't require you to have that little 3 trait summary anymore but I like that sentence.
What I’m doing with my life
Growing up to be a debaser, I hope. I just finished my MBA at U of C so I'm looking for a job where I can wear a suit and make way more money than I probably deserve. I will probably end up consulting something as a consultant somewhere. This a thing people with this degree do.

I recently took an extended hiatus from the land of fancy tasseled loafers and crisply ironed shirts to pursue other interests- namely, the degree, becoming a professional golfer (not quite), woodworking, and a bit of urban homesteading (ask me about my potato condo). I'm doing some driving for UberX and a few other part time things until I find a nice full time actual 'career' thing that won't devour my soul.
I’m really good at
I was gonna try and do this in like a written freestyle rap but about 3-4 lines in I realized that was a bad idea. This is not a thing I am good at.
So boring skills I picked up for work or when I was younger or just by examining life: I am really fast at most things computer-related because work and stuff. I can shoot a gun well because I grew up in small town land and hunting is quite a thing there. I can ride horsies pretty well even though sometimes I still call them horsies - this one I actually picked up just for the hell of it. Also I beat every game I play on the hardest setting, but with the internet to reference I think this only qualifies me as persistent.

I'm good at....going to restaurants and ordering indulgent things. Is that a skill? I think this paired with the hunting and horseback riding makes me some kind of aristocrat by default. I drink champagne all the time for no reason but partly because I have a drinking problem (?). I'm also good at golf. I have also recently attempted to learn French but that didn't go very far. Now I just need to own some land.

I excel at allocating space efficiently on public transit. I'm decent in the kitchen - just barely good enough to know how not good I am. I'm pretty good at whipping up a cocktail as well (or, just pouring whiskey in a glass) but again nowhere compared to people who actually get paid to do this. I am probably pretty good at making you laugh < fineprint > the content of this profile is not to be used as an evaluation of my ability to make you laugh < /fineprint >.
The first things people usually notice about me
Symmetry, I hope? My height coupled with my lanky yet broad-shouldered build. Probably my hair - it is kinda long and probably doing something stupid if it is windy. People are always disappointed when they find out I'm not in a band....cuz...the hair...you MUST be a creative type of some kind! Dressed...respectably? Nice shoes. Rugged good looks and rapist wit. Testosterone-laden natural musk.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
No more giant list of things. This is tedious.

Media - yes. It is good. I like Breaking Bad and the Wire and blah de blah and probably anything with Liam Neeson and I get most of my news from Daily Show and Colbert. Games? Yes, also games. All manner of games, from Scrabble to Dark Souls. Music is also good. If you want to get specific in these areas we can save that for the part where we are actually talking about things.

Food? Yes, also good. Raw seafood or places with ampersands in the name or tacos or whatever.

I think deep dish should be banned, though. IT IS NOT PIZZA. They should have outlawed that instead of foie gras. Ducks love that syringe feeding stuff.
The six things I could never do without
Stupid / hilarious things on the internet
Contact lenses
Other humans I can stand
Hot showers
Fancy phone
Tasty beer
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Is my pervy pun of a username turning people off? I think it's a good filter. If it's not funny to you, we don't need to talk. Why is everyone walking so slow? Why do we laugh? How can I hit this ball off the ground and through the air and make it land by that flag way over there? What is in the fridge that I can just grab and put in my face and stop being hungry and go back to whatever I was doing? Why did I just get up and walk into this room?

Why so many girls on here have usernames ending with '_taco'....seriously, what is that. That's like if I made my name "somedude_sausage".
UPDATE: Someone explained this to me in a message....I am very disappointed in you ladies.

Why preferences in food are important enough to me that I judge someone when they neglect to fill out the 'diet' part of their profile. How can you NOT have an opinion?! At least put 'Anything'. I hate you.

I peoplewatch a lot...people on public transit are fascinating. Example: About half the people I see wearing a nice dressy style winter coat never bothered to undo that little piece of stitching that holds the tails of the coat together at the bottom. I bet their pockets are still sewn shut too. I haven't come up with a good way to do anything about this.
On a typical Friday night I am
Out doing something excessive? I like higher end bars with good drinks, but I like really divey places too.

I try to avoid places that try to appeal to everyone....the places that do a lot of things at a very standard level. Maggiano's, you suck.

Lately, I am probably ferrying drunk people around the city in exchange for that cash money. My actual 'Friday' night could be any night of the week.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I manscape....I'll leave it up to you to decide what that means.
I’m looking for
  • Girls who like guys
  • Ages 21–30
  • Near me
  • Who are single
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating
You should message me if
You've got something interesting to say or a good joke to make. Despite the fact that I'm a guy, I am just as unlikely to respond to 'ur hot' as most women are.

I'd also generally like to hear from people who are intelligent, attractive, and funny. These things are a good start.