Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
If you like this idea for a first date:
Erase all doubt from your mind, for tonight, you will know love.
Let me tell you how I am going to lay it down.
This afternoon, while you are on lunch break, I will have a
handpicked team of florists cover your desk at work with a mixture
of sensuous-smelling rose petals. They will also leave a note
reading, "Girl, you are most fine. I will pick you up at 8." This
will show you and your coworkers that Smoove is the man for you, as
well as give you a glimpse into the personal attention I will
lavish on you later that evening.
I will also instruct the delivery person to wait and clean the
flowers off your desk when you are done looking at them, so that
you can continue with your work day.
At precisely 8 o'clock, I will arrive in a pearl-white car to pick
you up and transport us to dinner at the city's finest European
restaurant. I will tell the driver to take the most romantic,
scenic route possible to the restaurant. On the way, I will have a
sterling-silver thermos filled with hot chocolate from the Swiss
chocolate region. If it is too hot for you, I will blow on it until
it is the correct temperature.
When you have finished the cocoa, I will take the empty cup away
from you and pack up the thermos. I will then nuzzle your neck and
whisper complimentary remarks into your ear, including, "You are
more beautiful than a thousand lakes," "You are extremely special
to me," and "Your bone structure belongs in a museum." This will
make you wet.
Damn, girl. I want to get freaky with you right now on my desk. I
want to ride you like a bronco.
When we arrive at the expensive European restaurant, the owner will
greet me warmly and comment positively on your attire. He will then
personally lead us to a private table I have specially selected for
our evening together. As we browse the menu, I will inform you that
if multiple appetizers are your wish, I can make that wish come
When the appetizers arrive, I will feed them to you with my hands,
which I will have hand-washed with special anti-bacterial soap to
ensure their cleanliness. You will then eat an entree of your
choice and a dessert. While we eat these various foods, we will
discuss your fineness and also your hopes and dreams for the
future. This will make you feel closer to me and, as a result, make
you want to sex me wild.
After the meal, we will forgo transportation and walk the five
blocks back to my apartment, because the night will be so fragrant
and beautiful. I will hold your hand and stroke your wrist lightly
with my thumb. As we approach my apartment, I will pull you close,
and it will feel right. It will feel like we are two interlocking
pieces of a sexy panther jigsaw puzzle.
If the moon is full, I will point it out to you.
When we reach my penthouse, I will remove your shoes and kiss you
passionately for five to ten minutes. Just when you think you are
going crazy with desire, I will lead you to my large, circular
bathtub. There, I will strip you down and place your naked body
gently into the perfectly warm water. Then, I will wash you with a
towel of my choosing. Make no mistake, it will be the perfect towel
for your beautiful body, fitting your every luscious contour. If
the scented perfumes I have placed in your bath water are not to
your liking, I will drain the tub and we will start over. But they
will not be incorrect, so we will not have to. I know you,
After I have dried and moisturized you, I will comb your hair. If,
while combing your hair, you would like me to comb either faster or
harder, please say so. While I am doing this combing, you will
think you will know love, but Smoove is ready to take you to the
This is when Smoove will lead you to his canopy bed. Keith Sweat
will be playing on my bedroom stereo, creating the perfect mood for
us to freak all night. And freak all night is what we shall do.
Between freakings, we will laugh and tell stories, and I will rub
your neck and back. Then we will freak again. This will go on until
the break of dawn.
When you wake up, I will make you French toast. If French toast is
not what you desire, I will find another nationality of toast that
suits you. I will not rest until I find this perfect nationality of
toast, even if I have to swim all the way to Austria for it. After
I find and make the toast, and you eat it, we will freak once
This is how the evening will go. This is how you will know
-Smoove B, The Onion
If you're not familiar with The Onion it is not supposed to be
taken seriously, I hope you had a good laugh :)