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30 M Spokane, WA

I’m looking for

  • Girls who like guys
  • Ages 18–99
  • Located anywhere
  • For new friends

My Details

Last Online
Nov 25, 2013
5′ 8″ (1.73m)
Body Type
Mostly vegetarian
Other, and laughing about it
Virgo, and it’s fun to think about
Graduated from university
Banking / Finance
Relationship Status
Seeing Someone
Relationship Type
Doesn’t have kids, and doesn’t want any
Likes dogs and has cats
English (Fluently), Latin (Okay), C++ (Poorly)

Similar Users

My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
11/25/13: Game Over, Fission Mailed, Time Paradox, You Died
The Last Profile Update


End of Round Stats:
1,877 profiles viewed and judged:
1.438% 5 stars
10.921% 4 stars
35.482% 3 stars
23.068% 2 stars
29.088% 1 star

Quick Analysis:
Some of you seemed cool; most of you were awful.
Roughly 70% of the given population sample were adequate (2+ stars).
99.200% of the sample was female.
0.000 fucks were given this day.

"Got no time for spreadin' roots,
the time has come to be gone.
And though our health we drank a thousand times -
it's time to ramble on..."

"You'd better hope I don't make it back... all of you."

Goodnight OKCupid! I hope you enjoyed the show.

Previous profile transmission begins below:

You're browsing through yet another OKCupid profile, a profile not only of sight and sound but of mind; a journey into a wordy land whose boundaries are that of imagination (or possibly a built-in character limit).

You have just crossed over into...

Some useless prose.

For your consideration, please find the man attached: Horatio T. Meanthings. A 29 year-old pragmatist who doesn't yet realize he's living in a world where not everything is what it seems...
a world gone mad! *GASP*

Profile Reviews from the CPB and Users Like You:

"Entertaining as fuck. Keep doing what you do."

"I'd be lying if I said I read your entire profile, there's quite a bit of content, not to mention it looks like you may have listed every movie ever made. But... what I did read was hilarious, so kudos to you sir."

"I think that you were saying things pretty demeaning to anyone on this site haha it was still an interesting read."

"Morbid curiosity gripped me long enough to reach the end of your profile, and I feel a slow clap is necessary. I enjoyed reading this way to much. Thank you for the excess in snark and entertainment!"

"Lol. Good read!"

"Most honest and entertaining profile I have read on here. Thank you!"

"LOL, your profile premise is awesome! Thanks for the laugh"

"I was totally ready for my fragile and dependent levels of self worth to be torn down from the funeral pyre in which they currently reside, but somehow, the seemingly meanest person on the internet had nothing too bad to say."


(Can't please everyone it seems.)

Please note: I have **NO** intention of communicating with anyone here.

If you came here because you've been notified that I like you (4 or 5 star rank):
Congratulations, you seem cool. Please don't read too much into that.

Speaking of reading; continuing to read anything past this sentence is a complete waste of your time. Get out of here kid, you bother me.

If you're going to keep reading: I HOPE YOU LIKE TEXT.

"I ain't joking woman, I'm going to ramble...
Oh yeah, you know,
We've really got to ramble...
I can hear it calling me the way it used to do,
I can hear it calling me back home!"

Note: you could be doing any number of more activities that provide more utility and joy to you than reading further.

Here's a suggested "short" list:

-Stop reading any more of this nonsense and really GTFO.
-Eat some food that isn't processed, packaged, or modified.
-Prepare for the apocalypse. Winter is coming.
-Go for a walk.
-Go for a run.
-Go for a walk that turns into a run when the zombies wake.
-Start working on your tax planning for 2014.
-Start a knife fight with a hobo.
-Put money into a Roth IRA, assuming you have one and you've earned the income to qualify for contributions.
-Throw away/donate something that you've owned for more than a year that you never use.
-Join a fitness club or gym and then never go.
-Join a fight club and never talk about it.
-Quit a fitness club or gym and then refuse to leave.
-Read a book about some hobby you've always wanted to try.
-Train rigorously to become a bad enough dude to potentially save the President if he is ever kidnapped by ninjas.
-Join an acapella group that only does Heavy Metal covers.
-Watch a film that came out before you were born.
-Learn to play the sitar.
-Stop eating anything with high fructose corn syrup, palm oil or bleached flour.
-Take a nap. (You could probably use the extra sleep)
-Master jumping out of your car à la Speed Racer.
-Tell someone who cares about you that they owe you some money. (Protip: they probably trust you enough to pay out)
-Paint a picture of a guy, with a big knife.
-Watch cartoons on the interwebs
-Listen to an album start to finish with no interruptions in a dark room. (I highly recommend Dark Side of the Moon)

-FORM A THEME BAND. (Seriously, do this one.)
(Mine would be a heavy metal/chip tune/classic rock mash up where we all dressed as pirates, vikings, barbarians or some awesome shit like that. We would play crazy (read: genre schizophrenic) sets consisting of: Symphonic pieces, some light jazz, Led Zeppelin covers, NES soundtracks and then a random DIO super-medley. At some point during the show the giant, robotic Eric Clapton would come out to fight the whole band with his lasers.
Fuck yeah! \m/, ,\m/)

-Learn to cuss in a new language.
-Go punch that guy. You know, the one who keeps pissing you off. (Everybody knows at least one.)
-Take that dancing class you thought about. (You know the one I mean)
-Dream of forming an army of free citizens, one that answers to no government. (Protip: Watch out for any clones of yourself.)
-Try to remember the basics of CQC.
-Buy/wear that outfit you always were a little too self conscious to try and pull off before. (The secret is to act like you always dress like that.)
-Try to remember back to when you were a kid and knew how to fly. (It wasn't a dream; they just don't want you to remember - your freedom and wings must remain clipped for their evil machinations.)
-Fight the power!
-Buy back your integrity, dignity, soul, ethos, life from The Man.
-Cook something outside.
-Think on your sins.
-Indulge yourself.
-Listen to some heavy metal.
-Go to a restarant and order: "all the bacon and eggs you have."
-Play any one of the excellent SCUMM based LucasArts games.
-Grab a favorite comfort food.
-Go look at the clouds in the sky, like right now. GO!
-Prepare for the worst, hope for the best, receive something totally unrelated to the first two.

Are you still on board? Really? Ughhh.

So you might have some questions along the lines of: "Well then what in the fuck are you doing on OKC?", or: "Who is this egotistical asshole?" or maybe even something like: "Why am I still reading this?"

"In the county of Spokane, in the fires of Brown's Mountain, the Dark Lord meanthings forged in secret a master profile to mock all others. And into this profile he poured his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all life."

This profile originally only existed for me to compare OKCupid's match ratings between myself and my best friend whom is still trying to use this site to find a suitable match (poor bastard). What was once just an anonymous profile, with loads of questions answered, has mutated into a pure-ego force of white-hot judgment and swagger. So now the new goal is to systematically review and judge every single profile on OKC. Ah well, at least it's nice to have goals. If you keep reading you'll also find that I'm fairly open and honest about my, shall we say, "character flaws". So read whatever you want, make up your own opinion and then feel free to judge me as harshly as you like. It's all good because I don't give a fuck about your opinion of me.

You were/are/will be judging me back; it's a natural animal instinct.

Also: If you are a woman whom self identifies as: "Curvy", "Full Figured" or even "Chubby"- chances are very good that I will identify you as:

In the "words" of Joseph Ducreux: "I enjoy large posteriors and I am unable to deceive."

One more:

"Halt! The time of the hammer is upon us!"


"Take me to them, that I may render judgement!"

I use two number systems of my own design to evaluate a person's profile. The score starts at zero. Every interesting/awesome thing written earns a point, while the inverse also applies. The all time high score is 40 and the worst is -48. (Last updated: 11/5/13)

Oh yeah. I should mention that I now use the answers to matching questions to judge more so than the summaries written on a person's profile (unless it was really boring or super-awesome.)

That being said...

Time completed: 00:59
Your rate for collecting items is: 57%
See you next mission.
Rank: AAA

What? You think you can beat that? Are you sure you can handle the motherfuckinfury that she embodies? Well feel free to ask for a profile evaluation anytime. (Have I mentioned how much I love judging others?)

Attention: Dudes-who-came-here-because-of-said-champion's-high-score-link, you have just triggered ENEMY ALERT MODE
Evasion 999.99

Uh oh. You'd better run. I know about timed hits.

Really awesome women I find on here get five gold stars and that scratch 'n sniff sticker that says: "Grape Job".
Based on my super draconian standards, the current count of wicked awesome women over all of OKCupid is: 16! OMFG! (11/5/13) A day of intrigue: I found 3 new women who qualify for 5 star status. My low expectations lie in pieces on the ground.

Sadly only one out of those 16 women have a Metal Gear tattoo... So to that girl with the Shinkawa design Snake tattoo: keep on being way, (seriously WAAAY) more awesome than the other fifteen.

That number is getting too high; it's time to raise my standards...

...Or, maybe I should write a series of Sonatas about each one of these women. I'd be curious about the lyrical similarities found among each song.

Ok, so maybe sometimes I get really quixotic and wistful when I've been drinking.

Looking at my personality profile as it is I would like to see a "More like Jack Nicholson" metric. Seriously.
(Based on a calculation of the combination of a person's arrogance, confidence, appreciation for art, ambition and wealth.)
Yeah, I know it sounds like some lame 1980's staple from a stand-up act. (because, fact alert: sadly it was)


tl;dr: FUCK YOU.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
"From an unknown land and through distant skies came a winged warrior. Nothing remained sacred, no one was safe from the Hellion as it uttered its battle cry...Screaming for Vengeance."

No, just kidding.

"I come from the land of the ice and snow,
From the midnight sun where the hot springs blow.
The hammer of the gods will drive our ships to new lands,
To fight the horde, singing and crying: Valhalla, I am coming!"

Getting closer.

"Neckties, contracts, HIGH VOLTAGE!"

Yeah! This is close enough.
(I need to stop listening to rock n' roll while I write things on my profile.)

Here's what I am really doing with my life: Living the dream... insomuch as that dream looks like being a white collar professional (CPA) with longer hair, a beard and tattoos. Fuck the "normal" rules of what is or is not professional appearance.

The dream also features a life with: no fears; no debt; 100% equity home ownership; weight lifting; vidja games; early adult disenchantment with modern living; wine appreciation; trying to dramatically reduce my carbon footprint; dressing up as a pirate for parties; piano/organ/guitar noodling; xeriscaping my lawn and listening to LPs (because they DO sound better).

In my spare time I also fight the evil forces of the vile Red Falcon.

50% Jack Donaghy, 50% Ron Swanson, 100% awesome. Full flavor without any of that "I'm easy going" bullshit. Work hard, play harder. And get the fuck out of my way/office/face/whatever.

My life is amazing because I decided to live it that way; I take full responsibility for everything within it. Zero limits.

I was seriously considering getting a Ph.D. in accounting or going back and getting my J.D....
I was insane.
Still at Large.
Someone call in the National Guard... or Godzilla.

I might have to quit my job and start that theme band; the idea is just way too awesome to only joke about.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
"Living after midnight, rocking through the dawn."

Making people squirm. I have no time nor tolerance for suffering fools. Also: seemingly unprompted, sardonic, hurtful comments (but only if you truly did something to deserve it).

International Accounting Standards for Piracy. An extremely modified cash basis approach with very anti-conservative views about "revenue" (read: plunder, loot and booty) recognition. All keelhauling is recognized in the period in which it occurs versus when a poor bilge rat is sentenced to a keelhauling. Also recent federal changes under the GROG Act now require that all ships have an expert carouser on board.


Feeling depressed as hell when I read some of the profiles on here. Some women's profiles (not all) are so fucking tragic - they are the saddest short stories you've ever heard. Some of these profiles remind me of "Christina's World" by Wyeth. I've also reviewed a number of dudes' profiles too and some of these guys are more doomed than a man in a Steinbeck novel.

I am also a champion at feeling irked due to OKCupid's stupid, repetitive matches. If I keep visiting your profile it's more about that than anything worth reading into (most things aren't about YOU anyway).

Addendum to that last thought:

For some reason as of late OKC really (I mean REALLY) wants me to keep visiting the same 6 profiles of certain women. (Don't ask me why.)


Unfortunately my short-term memory regarding profiles I've already looked at is very short. So if I seem like I'm constantly on your profile: I'm sorry that OKC's sorting algorithm sucks on ice.
I really need to stop using the quick set of 3 pictures shown for people I might like.

Slight segue here: don't you love the suggestions OKCupid gives to you? "Hey, you might like these people: 30% match, 32% friend, 99% enemy." Yeah, fuck you too OKCupid; however, the joke's on them because I generally enjoy reading enemy profiles more anyway.

My best friend has mentioned that I should market myself as a sort of consultant for women trying to maximize the appeal of their OKC profiles. I might have to do that, or at least get a cheap set of business cards printed for the lulz:

Horatio T. Meanthings
OKCupid Profile/Image Consultant
"Don't write that, and now let's get a better picture on here."
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
"We dress like students,
we dress like housewives; or in a suit and a tie.
I've changed my hairstyle soooo many times now,
I don't know what I look like."

Can anyone who isn't a narcissist truly answer this question without guessing? Get fucked OKCupid, your choice of profile questions totally sucks and I hate it...
However, my ego is a universe in which whole other worlds have been built so let me take a crack at it.

I have dark green eyes, the color of old dollar bills, with a few more lines on my face than perhaps I should have for someone my age. Also my beard is full and fairly red.

I almost exclusively wear pinstripe suits to work everyday. When people check me out I know it's more about the suit than me.

I also have an uncanny tendency to look like Kurt Russell depending on my current hairstyle; as of 10/21/13, I'd say I look mostly like:
MacReady from John Carpenter's The Thing.

I sometimes look like a Irish priest if forget to not wear a white t-shirt underneath my favorite business casual outfit consisting of a black polo shirt paired with black trousers.

Before I lost a ton of weight people told me I looked like Meatloaf or Italian Spiderman... Hrm.

Update: I have been informed by a school acquaintance that I "often have a harsh look on my face and my eyes are cold." Sounds about right.

An old friend told me I reminded him of Doctor Doom. He also sent me a birthday card once that read: "Congratulations, you are now one year closer to looking like the grumpy old man on the outside that you are on the inside."

On a slightly related note my mother once described my personality as that of James Bond: "deliberate and calculating, willing to let time pass before settling up with those you have a vendetta against." That might have been the nicest thing she's ever said to me.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
"Everybody else is just green.
Have you seen the chart?
It's a hell of a start,
it could be made into a monster if we all pull together as a team."

The Alphabet of Manliness
Brave New World
Le Comte de Monte-Cristo
Danny Champion of the World
The Dresden Files Series by Jim Butcher
East of Eden
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Fight Club
The Four-Hour Body
The Giver
Good Omens
The Great Gatsby
The Han Solo Trilogy by A. C. Crispin
The Handmaid's Tale
The Hobbit
How Green Was My Valley
The Legacy of the Aldenata Series by John Ringo
Les Miserables
Lord of the Flies
Lord of the Rings
Moby Dick (mostly the last 25 chapters)
The Nightside Books by Simon R. Green
One Piece (I enjoy both the manga and the anime)
Out of the Silent Planet
Preacher (Comic)
Silence of the Lambs
Slaughterhouse Five
The Song of Ice and Fire Series (especially "A Storm of Swords")
Starship Troopers
Stranger in a Strange Land
Summer of the Monkeys
Les Trois Mousquetaires
V for Vendetta (Comic)
The Watchmen (Comic)
World War Z
Zero Limits

Animal Crackers
Back to the Future
Batman Returns
Battle Royale (Kawada or Mitsuko should have won)
Betelgeuse (Shhhhh...)
Blazing Saddles
The Blues Brothers
The Dark Knight
The Dark Knight Rises
The Court Jester
Das Boot
Dawn of the Dead (the remake wasn't nearly as good)
Day of the Dead
The Departed
Die Hard (Only the first and third.)
Dirty Dancing
Dirty Harry
Dr. Strangelove
Escape from New York
Evil Dead 2
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
A Fish Called Wanda
For Your Eyes Only
Full Metal Jacket
The Godfather (I enjoyed all three parts)
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
I Heart Huckabees
Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Indiana Jones Beats the Ever-loving Fuck out of Some Nazis
Indiana Jones Stops Dicking Around with Nazis and Fucking- Teaches his Class
John Carpenter's Big Trouble in Little China
John Carpenter's The Thing
Lethal Weapon
Lethal Weapon 2
License to Kill
The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou
Monsters Inc.
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
My Neighbor Totoro
The Outlaw Josey Wales
The Pink Panther Strikes Again
Porco Rosso
Rambo: First Blood Part II
Return of the Jedi
Robocop (I wish the remake was going to be good - but it won't.)
Rollerball (The 1975 original; fuck remakes.)
The Shadow
The Shawshank Redemption
The Shining
Silence of the Lambs
Spirited Away
The Sting
Terminator 2: Judgement Day
They Live
Tomorrow Never Dies
The Usual Suspects
Vanishing Point (Again: no remakes.)
Wes Craven's New Nightmare
The Wild Bunch
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (...grumble, grumble... bad remakes...grumble...)
Young Frankestein

30 Rock
'Allo' Allo!
Aqua Teen Hunger Force
Arrested Development
The A-Team
Batman: The Animated Series
Black Adder
Bob's Burgers
Breaking Bad
Danger UXB
Dexter's Laboratory
Doctor Who (Both 'Classic' and New Who)
Fawlty Towers
The Goon Show (Whatever remnants I can find. Damn you BBC)
Law and Order
Mad Men [I haven't started it yet but everyone keeps telling me that I *really* need to watch it. I'm not sure what that says about me as a person.]
Monty Python's Flying Circus
The Muppet Show
The Office
Parks and Rec
Red Dwarf
The Sopranos
Spike Milligan's Q Series
Sherlock (Godamned Moriarty stayin' alive.)
The Simpsons (Seasons 3 - 10)
The Twilight Zone
X-Men (The original 90's Fox series)

60's Blues
60's Rock
70's Funk
70's Rock
80's Pop
90's Nothing. NOTHING! DO NOT WANT!
AC/DC (Bon Scott Forever)
J.S. Bach (The Grandfather of all known Music)
The Beatles
Chuck Berry (The Harbinger of Rock and Roll)
Big Brother and the Holding Company
Black Sabbath
Blue Oyster Cult
Tommy Bolin
David Bowie
James Brown (The Godfather of Soul)
Any Game's Music if it was made by Capcom
The Cars
Classic Heavy Metal
Eric Clapton
Daft Punk
Deep Purple
Dire Straits
Bob Dylan
Elvis (The King)
Hard Rock
Heavy Metal
Jimi Hendrix
Joe Hisaishi
Jethro Tull
Billy Joel
Elton John
Louis Jordan (The Precursor to Rock and Roll)
Judas Priest
The Kinks (especially 'Low Budget')
Koji Kondo
Led Zeppelin
Max Rebo
Meat Loaf
Neo-Classical Metal
Old Metal
Pink Floyd
The Raspberries
Ritchie Blackmore's Rainbow (before Ritchie and Dio left)
The Rolling Stones
The Scorpions
Bob Seger
Billy Squier
Steve Miller Band
Talking Heads
James Taylor
Tenacious Metal
The Traveling Wilburys
Nobuo Uematsu
Uriah Heep
The Who
ZZ Top

Bionic Commando (NES)
Bubble Bobble (NES)
Castlevania: Symphony of the Night
Chrono Trigger
Contra (NES)
Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy's Kong Quest
Deus Ex (Fuck off with your prequel and sequel: I didn't ask for this.)
Dwarf Fortress (I can still be hardcore sometimes.)
Elder Scrolls: Skyrim
Final Fantasy VI
Final Fantasy X
Full Throttle
Grand Theft Auto: Vice City
Grand Theft Auto IV
Grand Theft Auto V
Heroes of Might and Magic 2
Just Cause 2
Kirby's Dream Land 3
The Legend of Zelda
Little Nemo: The Dream Master
Mario Kart 64
Metal Slug 3
Metal Gear Solid
Metal Gear Solid 2: Substance
Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater
Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots
Monkey Island 2: LeChuck's Revenge
Portal 2
Red Alert 2
Roller Coaster Tycoon
Scorched Earth
Sid Meier's Civilization III
Sid Meier's Civilization V
Star Fox 64
Super Mario 64
Super Mario Bros. 2
Super Mario Bros. 3
Super Mario RPG
Super Metroid
Super Smash Bros.
Transport Tycoon Deluxe
Twilight Zone (Pinball)
Unreal Tournament
Wario Land: Super Mario Land 3
Yoshi's Island

Anything with Lime or Potatoes (not necessarily potatoes with lime. Wait, could that be good?)
Gyro Meat
Sour/Fruity Gummy Candies
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
1. Healthy Mind, Body, and Spirit (By my philosophy these are all one and the same thing) [Grammarians and English majors will no doubt note of my use of the Oxford Comma]

"Your body will move like water. Your soul will burn like fire!"

2. Willpower/Discipline/Balls

"They realized that to be in power, you didn't need guns or money or even numbers. You just needed the will to do what the other guy wouldn't."

3. Passion/Lusts for: knowledge, understanding, personal fulfillment (sex falls into this category), pancakes, beauty, pure sound, truth and power.
Mmmmmmm... Power.
But seriously, Passion: anything less would make life feel like the volume was turned down.

"The lover of life is not a sinner,
The ending is just a beginner.
The closer you get to the meaning,
The sooner you'll know that you're dreaming.
So it's on and on and on,
Oh it's on and on and on,
It goes on - and on - and on... Heaven and Hell!
I can tell, fool, fool!"

4. Art (Including Paintings/Literature/Music/Films/Video Games)

"Life isn't just about passing on your genes. We can leave behind much more than just DNA. Through speech, music, literature and movies...what we've seen, heard, felt...anger, joy and sorrow...these are the things I will pass on. That's what I live for. We need to pass the torch, and let our children read our messy and sad history by its light. We have all the magic of the digital age to do that with. The human race will probably come to an end some time, and new species may rule over this planet. Earth may not be forever, but we still have the responsibility to leave what traces of life we can. Building the future and keeping the past alive are one and the same thing."

5. An Opponent/Enemy/Rival/Nemesis/Worthwhile Conflict

I am The Fury!
The flames of my rage will incinerate you! A great and terrible fury at being alive!"

6. Purpose for living and/or dying (both would be great)

"You know what evil lurks in the hearts of men, for you have seen that evil in your own heart. Every man pays a price for redemption; this is yours."
"I'm not looking for redemption!"
"You have no choice - you will be redeemed, because I will teach you to use your black shadow to fight evil."
"Am I in Hell?"
"Not yet..."

If I was to cheat and add one more thing I'd pick a six-demon bag.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
The Riddle of Steel.

Contingency planning or more romantically: my next six moves. Life is like a game of chess and I have no intention of losing it poorly. (We all "lose" in the long run.)

The interesting, but also awesome, correlation of women being attracted to beards while also being submissive. Thanks OKC metrics!

Whether I should buy a harpsichord, organ or replace my current upright piano with a baby grand. (Sadly I have limited space in my living room at the moment.)

Tocattas, fugues, scherzi, nocturnes, rondos and other classical music structures that appear in 8 bit NES soundtracks. (Gauntlet, Faxanadu, Xexyz, Legend of Zelda, Blaster Master, Bionic Commando, etc.)

The people I'd love to run into again during/after the apocalypse.

Why in the *FUCK* haven't we gotten that Shadow movie remake yet? And also why do they remake every perfectly good movie known to man?

How much I would have made a good CIA agent. I have all the skills needed: strong memory for minutia about people, keeping it all about the money, analytical skills, a drive to learn new languages/cultures, the ability to read body language and most important of all: moral flexibility concerning drug trafficking and murder. I could have been one of the government-sanctioned bad guys. Fuck, that would have been a good gig.

A white, 1970 Dodge Challenger with the 440 V8 Magnum engine.

Starting a fistfight, I haven't been in one for a long time.

Music, music, music, music. Also music. I wish every person I met had their own leitmotif which would play according to their given mood and situation. I'd want mine to be slow and foreboding with deep base lines played by organs, horns, bassoons and strings. The sort of theme that only needs one or two measures to briefly play when someone mentions my name in terror. Mmmmmm, Yes.

Places in fiction or inside my head that I feel I've actually visited. I couldn't draw an accurate map of Washington state very well but I could redraw the entire southern area of Hyrule from memory. I could also take people on tours of Shadow Moses or Outer Heaven.

England, Camelot, Arthur, Excalibur; they are all one and the same.

My personal D&D Alignment. Chaotic good or chaotic neutral... lawful evil? (Nah, I'm not that much of a Republican. Ha!)
Yeah, chaotic neutral sounds about right: "Might save your life, might steal your car."

Whether I am more like Jean Valjean or Javert and how this affects my behaviors towards others. I dress more like Javert but my facial hair is usually more like Valjean's. Sideburns/Mutton chops are fun but I don't like my chin exposed to the winter wind.

Scotch. Single malt, aged 10+ years in oak casks, with a flavor as smooth as nylon stockings on a woman's legs. I'd normally be upset at the effect of liquor ads causing a subconscious association between sex and alcohol but I'm going to let it this one slide. Because both sex and alcohol are awesome.

Old memories, old mistakes, old pains, old scars: old lessons.

If I were a literary character what would my Wikipedia page look like?
(Sadly, I am probably more like Cassius or Mercutio than my personal favorite: Iago.)

Luck and Fate.

Level three. Mmmmmm. I do remember level three.

Why haven't we as an scientific and industrious society not already invented some Aldous H. style soma?

The eerie fact that so many news articles I read these days remind me of parts from: 1984, The Handmaid's Tale and Brave New World.

All that and dragons.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
"Dirty city, dirty games,
Dirty women, dirty shames.
The life that you lead,
The chance that you took.
A shadow in the night,
On the line, you're hooked.
If you see us coming,
Don't you run the other way.

Swords and tequila,
Carry me through the night.
Swords and tequila,
Carry me through the fight!"

Thinking about curvy women in black stockings and garters begging me for permission to orgasm. Nah, I'm just joking. I'm thinking about that ALL the time.

I might be drinking homemade root beer and playing video games. More likely I'm having a dinner date and sex with the girlfriend... then drinking homemade root beer and playing video games.

Usually I am not found anywhere groups of people larger than 5 might be located. Why ruin a perfectly good Friday night by hanging out with people? People are probably the cause of your troubles which coincidentally probably led you to going out on Friday night.

Personal Rant: If you live in Spokane and you hit the downtown bar scene on any night: your choice of drinking location(s) and time(s) is bad and you should feel bad. That's right, you heard me. This is why we can't have nice things.

On the very rare occasion that I do visit a bar, Friday night or not, I'm the guy in the back corner booth making a small group of people laugh way too much at my acerbic observations about life. I'm also that guy who will ignore you entirely while waiting to get a drink from the well.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
"I'm not a hero!
I'm not a savior!
Forget what you know.
I'm just a man whose circumstances went beyond his control."

Here are whole bunch of (batshit)crazy-honest, not-so-private-anymore facts for which you may use to judge me to your heart's content. (Go on... you'll learn to enjoy judging others if you didn't already.)

Disclaimer: There is some seriously fucked up and deeply personal shit in this section so this is probably not the place you'll want to stop reading. (Just trying to help you out.)

Anyway, shall we begin?

I wanted to be an animator, game designer or rock star when I was growing up.

The combined smell of old cigarette smoke, alcohol and grease gives me a nostalgic batch of the warm fuzzies. (Pizza parlor arcades.)

I WOULD download a car.

I have movie replicas of Glamdring and the staff of Gandalf the White hanging on the walls of my office.

My top five favorite stand-up comics are:
1. Lewis Black
2. Bill Hicks
3. George Carlin
4. Patton Oswalt
5. Richard Jeni
(Special nod to Aziz Ansari and Brian Posehn. And if you wanted to know, Dane Cook was right: ALL men secretly want to take part in a heist.)

If I could travel back in time only once with no ability to skip time again I'd go to London, England; 1966.

My hair will not turn grey as I grow older, it will turn pure white. This is known. That being said, I plan on looking and acting more and more like Gandalf the White as I get older.

I watch movies while I work out. If I want to have a super intense calorie burn session I watch Rambo: First Blood Part II. To this day I have yet to beat my all-time best personal speed record for rowing while watching that movie.

Here's a list of costumes I'm considering for Halloween:
Snake Plissken
David Lo Pan
Bon Scott
Jack Burton
Bartholomew M. Quint
The Saint of Killers
John Rambo
Robert Plant
The Viking on the album cover of Molly Hatchet's Flirtin' with Disaster
Gomez Addams
Werewolf of London (My hair will be perfect)
Ronnie James Dio
Ezio Auditore da Firenze (Revelations version)

If I smoked cigarettes I'd imitate Rod Serling, Hunter S. Thompson and Humphrey Bogart ALL the time.

I've crossed paths with at least 15 of the women on OKC, located in Spokane, including some on more than a weekly basis. However, it would be weird and creepy as fuck to talk to any of you. Suspenso!

If I could be anyone of The Beatles I'd be George Harrison.
If I could be anyone from Led Zeppelin I'd be John Paul Jones.
If I could be anyone from Pink Floyd I'd be Richard Wright.
If I could be anyone from Deep Purple I'd either be Ritchie Blackmore or Jon Lord.
If I could be anyone from KISS I'd be Ace Frehley.
If I could be anyone from Styx I'd be Dennis DeYoung.
If I could be anyone from Black Sabbath I'd be Tony Iommi.
If I could be anyone from DIO I'd be... Ronnie James Dio. (Duh!)

If I could be anyone from Jonas Brothers I'd be Batman; because that sounds way cooler.

According to my girlfriend I talk in my sleep almost all the time. This includes me looking and sounding fully awake while saying really random gibberish. A quick highlight selection: "left-grid"; "button-strap: it's long and thin"; and a sort of spoken-word version of "Holy Diver".

I didn't drink alcohol until I was 21, I also didn't start smoking marijuana until it was legal in Washington state. I am thankful for waiting until after my brain had fully developed to begin attempting to kill it with various drugs.

I'm a card-carrying member of the KISS army.

I have a special, evil, Grinch-ish smile that I only use when girls tell me what they are afraid of.

Snake Plissken is my spirit animal or maybe it's this guy.

I love the night.

In a period of 8 months I had 4 relatives die, each one more close to me than the last. When the last one, my maternal grandmother, died I cursed God. That was the day I lost my faith in Christianity and God(s) in general. I sometimes wonder if I'm paying for that scorn (again, even though I don't put any stock in Christianity.)

I've been in love/lust with a few times and there is a Led Zeppelin song for each of these women. Oh yes.

I wish I could be a part of a 1970's car chase from a cop movie, preferably in set San Francisco. Mostly for the music but I do enjoy driving fast.

I've always seen myself as a villain or antihero in this life.

I secretly named my house: "Outer Heaven" just so I call myself "Big Boss." Also, every single device on my personal network is named after a different Metal Gear model. (If none of this makes any sense to you; don't ask. You just aren't cool enough to get it.)

My family situation growing up was highly chaotic and unstable. As such I am now fairly estranged from my entire family both nuclear and extended. Most of this estrangement is about my independent bent for spending large amounts of time alone; however, I also should give them some credit here as well (they're mostly assholes). So that being said I have no understanding for people who list "family" as one of their 6 things they can't live without. I also don't have any real comprehension for people who enjoy spending time with their folks. I didn't have that experience as a child so I just really don't get it. I'm sure it's nice. If you're starting to feel any amount of pity or empathy from reading this: stop. I didn't write this to solicit that sort of emotional response. I've just had a few people ask me directly what it takes to "make a person like you." This is a part of my best explanation.

I seem to be highly matched (91+%, 4 to 5 stars) with women living in Brooklyn on a very frequent basis.
Hello ladies of NYC! How you doin'?

I have a bizarrely high number of visitors from Alberta and Montana; especially bisexual dudes. I'm not sure what this is about.

For all the pain and bullshit I've caused I have yet to forgive myself. On this note I don't believe in grace or redemption (I wish I did) but I truly believe we are all doomed to toil in a cold world with no eternal love. Entropy and apathy will win in the end.

I've been in seven motor vehicle accidents: one of which was my fault; I walked away practically un-scratched every time; and only three of them involved me in a vehicle.
(The secret is to get your legs off the ground and try not to roll off the hood.)
A nerdier friend than I theorized I might be part Nazgûl: it is said that no motor vehicle can kill me...

I stopped enjoying/playing Zelda games during Wind Waker. With each passing game produced by Eiji Aonuma the series moves father away from the original NES game I loved so much. I now just buy each game and let them collect dust on the shelf.

I'm big into dominance and power exchange when it comes to sexual relationships. Also I enjoy women more if they are extremely feminine (lingerie, makeup, nice long hair, skirts/dresses sans panties) and submissive. I'm also a bit of a sadist (is anyone surprised given my OKC name?)
All of that being said, I'm big into lots of kinky sex but not into lots of sex partners. Other people in this "lifestyle" will probably understand where I'm coming from.

I share a name with a certain author of a book about starships and troopers.

I cried during the debriefing scene at the end of MGS3. Just like every other person with a soul did.

When I first wake up in the morning, the lines on my face make me look like Robert Ryan in "The Wild Bunch".

I keep various weapons and drugs inside my desk at work. Sometimes you never know what kind of day you're going to have so it's best to be prepared.

I want to experience a real life boss battle: I want to beat up some dude whom will flash in darker colors of red and yellow as he gets closer to dying. His body will suddenly explode for absolutely no reason and then I want to be told by an over-com that the whole building I'm in will self destruct in 5 minutes. There will be some sort of long distance running escape accompanied by feverishly paced music. I will escape just in the nick of time via helicopter after what looks like my death within the blast radius. Roll credits, thank you for playing.

I've had one supernatural experience with a ghost/demon. I was six years old and it took the form of a red T-Rex. No joke. It came out of my bookshelf and just stared at me. It scared the ever-loving-fuck out of me. Not because of the form it took or its large size but because of its eyes...
I told my overly Catholic, super-Christian grandmother and she promptly had her church buddies come and bless my bedroom or some shit like that. She took it really seriously, strangely enough as I've gotten older and reflect on it I find myself doing the same. What the fuck was that all about? I wasn't on drugs, I wasn't asleep. It still makes no sense.

I actually have a pretty good grasp on humans and their fucked up behaviors. I'd tell you their secrets but you probably don't want to know.

I include my Netflix subscription and a beer allowance as bare necessities in a projected cash flow of my personal finances.

I have a bit of a death wish. Just a little bit, nothing too crazy or suicidal about it. There is some sort of closure or secret in dying that holds an appeal. Meh, whatever. Life is for the living, but is this really living?

Tywin Lannister is my favorite character in Game of Thrones and for the record: the books are better.

As mentioned above I do enjoy looking at profiles that "match" me with women with a 90% or more enemy rating. Delicious, absolutely delicious.

Engaging with people outside of a very small set of well-knowns causes me physical and mental anguish. I am not shy; I just sometimes prefer to not speak to others. I am a consummate introvert which really means that given the chance I usually escape into worlds inside my head rather than engage with outer stimuli.

I also suck at quickly responding to strangers' questions/conversation openings because it takes me a moment to return to my present state of being. Hmmmm, that sounds pretentious and weird so let me try again with an example for all you extroverts out there:
If I'm off seemingly daydreaming in a restaurant alone at a table and you came over to ask me if you could remove the extra set of cutlery I would probably take a few seconds after suddenly looking at you to respond.
What happened between your inquiry and my response was this: I had to "recollect" myself before I could return to the present moment.

Sometimes when I log onto OKC I misspell my username if I'm typing too fast. I'm still laughing at the latest misspelling: "meanthongs". Too bad there is no one here by that name; I think I'd want to meet her.

I've been accused of harshly judging others on here with impunity because I'm currently in a relationship; therefore, I don't have to worry about truly attracting others or being polite. Ouch. I'm sorry you think that. I can tell you that if my current relationship goes south that I have no intention of trying anymore: I'll be permanently pulling myself off the dating market; I'll go back to living like a monk. No, you don't get to know my reasons for this.

All of that being said I will admit that there are a few women on here who are legitimately cool and probably deserve something much better than the greater Spokane area's internet dating pool has to offer (3, 4 and 5 stars to you). Good luck and rock on ladies; I can only begin to imagine the horrors you encounter in places like this. You have my sympathies.

The Secret: *Sigh.* Honestly I am "fairly" courteous in person (and online). I try to keep my general ire in check when out in public or when I'm working. I like to think of this courteous/professional visage as my lame alter-ego that hides my secret venomous identity. Oh yeah, I like Marvel Comics and anyone who saw what I just did there in that last sentence.

If you truly believe I am a mean or insane person you should meet my cat: she's the real monster.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
"Sweet child in time, you'll see the line,
The line that's drawn between good and bad.
See the blind man shooting at the world,
Bullets flying, taking toll...
If you've been bad, lord I bet you have,
And you've not been hit by flying lead;
You'd better close your eyes,
Bow your head...

Wait for the ricochet."

So in other words: DON'T. DON'T!
Don't waste your time... unless you really need me to tell you your profile's awesomeness "score". (Morbid curiosity or co-dependence: take your pick.)

11/25/13 Update: Too late, no more scores will be given. Ignore the rest of this nonsense below.

Just please don't jump my shit when I give you my honest opinion - I'm assuming you wanted some feedback. No whining (you people know who you are.) Don't ask for a rating if you can't handle one anonymous asshole's opinion about you; if that's the case look into boosting your self-esteem. (Seriously, I'm not here to fuck with you - I don't care enough to put my energy into that.)

NEW RULE: If you contact me without using the word "fhqwhgads" somewhere in your message which should also consist of multiple sentences and punctuation: there is a 98% chance I will just ignore you.

If you message me to:
demand that I entertain/rate/insult you WITHOUT using please;
ask if I'm a "real" person;
ask why I seem to "waste" my time on OKC;
try to instigate a debate about my opinions;
request a picture/headshot (Really ladies? Really?!);
request a meetup over coffee (...yeah, NO.);
ask me to explain what this profile is all about -
I don't have time for your nonsense. Go do something productive with your life.

"Please the fucking Gods of Metal man, figure it out."

Oh yeah! As of 10/29/13, I've been challenged to try an exercise in looking for positives about people... so this adds a new slightly bittersweet raspberry layer into my German dark chocolate judgement cake.
Mmmmmmm.... cake.


I now will say at least one nice thing about all of you whom inquire within. Actually, I'll probably try to be very captivating and winsome and then fail spectacularly... but you weren't supposed to read this far or cheat by reading ahead. (Be honest)
Now you know one of my few secrets. Whoops.

Also you apparently can reach me via the instant messaging client OKCupid has set to be on by default. If you require instant insults/gratification please feel free to send me inflammatory troll comments to show me the levels of your ignorance concerning grammar, punctuation and spelling.

I'm feeling especially mean tonight so I thought I'd share my not-so-secret guide to women earning an instant one star rating from me on OKC.

You will probably receive a one star rating if:

You have a kid. (Sorry, nothing personal this is just my personal deal-breaker; unless you're over the age of 29.)
You cannot figure out the difference between "your" and "you're".
You abbreviate words that are three letters long i.e. "you = u".
You have no ambition in life.
You lack a four-year college degree or have no plans to earn one.
You answer all of your questions privately. (GTFO)
You write spoilers about television shows I have yet to finish... (REALLY GTFO)
You say something trite and coy about your "most private thing you're willing to admit" section. (Be creative and original)
You lack details on your profile. (Judging you anyway as: lazy)
You are extremely ugly or posted horrible pictures. (Either way)
You seem to hate your self image, body or identity. (Perma-turn-off)
You go out of your way to self-identify as a feminist or any other activist. (I have nothing against feminism; nor am I trying to marginalize or ignore the realities that women don't have true equality. In general I find more biased bullshiters and crusaders who self identify. In other words: stick it to the man/patriarchy/whatever but don't feel the need to get too defensive of your reasons - they're already valid.)
You wrote the.. "word": ...*embolism*... "holla" on your profile (No, just no.)
You are one or more of the following: super-Christian, super-Republican, super-racist, super-homophobic, super-red-state-have. (Yeah, I know that last one isn't really a construct that makes sense but it was fun to type.)
You are affiliated with/like the Tea Party Movement at all. (You rebel scum. I don't care what you say, you are still a goddamned Republican fringe. Yes, you know who you are.)

Or... you have a certain je nais se quoi that is *just* begging for a one-star rating slap down.

If you honestly read everything above before scrolling down to here you've probably figured out that I don't take myself very seriously. If you happened to skip down to this last part I will tell you what one of my favorite college professors told someone as he kicked them out of his office: "Go do your fucking reading!"

Closing Thoughts:

OKC was a fun distraction for a time. There were some really cool people on here and plenty of horrible ones too. I even had the pleasure of talking to a few of you; however, it's time for me to get back to more important matters. For anyone who finds this profile after I'm gone; please enjoy. Lord only knows that so many profiles on here suck balls. I just wanted to make things more entertaining for folks toiling away on here looking for companionship (of various degrees). Anyway I'm out.


That's all folks!

So what am I going to do now?