The Last Profile Update
"Snake? SNAKE!? SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!"
End of Round Stats:
1,877 profiles viewed and judged:
1.438% 5 stars
10.921% 4 stars
35.482% 3 stars
23.068% 2 stars
29.088% 1 star
Some of you seemed cool; most of you were awful.
Roughly 70% of the given population sample were adequate (2+ stars).
99.200% of the sample was female.
0.000 fucks were given this day.
"Got no time for spreadin' roots,
the time has come to be gone.
And though our health we drank a thousand times -
it's time to ramble on..."
"You'd better hope I don't make it back... all of you."
Goodnight OKCupid! I hope you enjoyed the show.
Previous profile transmission begins below:
You're browsing through yet another OKCupid profile, a profile not only of sight and sound but of mind; a journey into a wordy land whose boundaries are that of imagination (or possibly a built-in character limit).
You have just crossed over into...
Some useless prose.
For your consideration, please find the man attached: Horatio T. Meanthings. A 29 year-old pragmatist who doesn't yet realize he's living in a world where not everything is what it seems...
a world gone mad! *GASP*
Profile Reviews from the CPB and Users Like You:
"Entertaining as fuck. Keep doing what you do."
"I'd be lying if I said I read your entire profile, there's quite a bit of content, not to mention it looks like you may have listed every movie ever made. But... what I did read was hilarious, so kudos to you sir."
"I think that you were saying things pretty demeaning to anyone on this site haha it was still an interesting read."
"Morbid curiosity gripped me long enough to reach the end of your profile, and I feel a slow clap is necessary. I enjoyed reading this way to much. Thank you for the excess in snark and entertainment!"
"Lol. Good read!"
"Most honest and entertaining profile I have read on here. Thank you!"
"LOL, your profile premise is awesome! Thanks for the laugh"
"I was totally ready for my fragile and dependent levels of self worth to be torn down from the funeral pyre in which they currently reside, but somehow, the seemingly meanest person on the internet had nothing too bad to say."
(Can't please everyone it seems.)
Please note: I have **NO** intention of communicating with anyone here.
If you came here because you've been notified that I like you (4 or 5 star rank):
Congratulations, you seem cool. Please don't read too much into that.
Speaking of reading; continuing to read anything past this sentence is a complete waste of your time. Get out of here kid, you bother me.
If you're going to keep reading: I HOPE YOU LIKE TEXT.
"I ain't joking woman, I'm going to ramble...
Oh yeah, you know,
We've really got to ramble...
I can hear it calling me the way it used to do,
I can hear it calling me back home!"
Note: you could be doing any number of more activities that provide more utility and joy to you than reading further.
Here's a suggested "short" list:
-Stop reading any more of this nonsense and really GTFO.
-Eat some food that isn't processed, packaged, or modified.
-Prepare for the apocalypse. Winter is coming.
-Go for a walk.
-Go for a run.
-Go for a walk that turns into a run when the zombies wake.
-Start working on your tax planning for 2014.
-Start a knife fight with a hobo.
-Put money into a Roth IRA, assuming you have one and you've earned the income to qualify for contributions.
-Throw away/donate something that you've owned for more than a year that you never use.
-Join a fitness club or gym and then never go.
-Join a fight club and never talk about it.
-Quit a fitness club or gym and then refuse to leave.
-Read a book about some hobby you've always wanted to try.
-Train rigorously to become a bad enough dude to potentially save the President if he is ever kidnapped by ninjas.
-Join an acapella group that only does Heavy Metal covers.
-Watch a film that came out before you were born.
-Learn to play the sitar.
-Stop eating anything with high fructose corn syrup, palm oil or bleached flour.
-Take a nap. (You could probably use the extra sleep)
-Master jumping out of your car à la Speed Racer.
-Tell someone who cares about you that they owe you some money. (Protip: they probably trust you enough to pay out)
-Paint a picture of a guy, with a big knife.
-Watch cartoons on the interwebs
-Listen to an album start to finish with no interruptions in a dark room. (I highly recommend Dark Side of the Moon)
-FORM A THEME BAND. (Seriously, do this one.)
(Mine would be a heavy metal/chip tune/classic rock mash up where we all dressed as pirates, vikings, barbarians or some awesome shit like that. We would play crazy (read: genre schizophrenic) sets consisting of: Symphonic pieces, some light jazz, Led Zeppelin covers, NES soundtracks and then a random DIO super-medley. At some point during the show the giant, robotic Eric Clapton would come out to fight the whole band with his lasers.
Fuck yeah! \m/, ,\m/)
-Learn to cuss in a new language.
-Go punch that guy. You know, the one who keeps pissing you off. (Everybody knows at least one.)
-Take that dancing class you thought about. (You know the one I mean)
-Dream of forming an army of free citizens, one that answers to no government. (Protip: Watch out for any clones of yourself.)
-Try to remember the basics of CQC.
-Buy/wear that outfit you always were a little too self conscious to try and pull off before. (The secret is to act like you always dress like that.)
-Try to remember back to when you were a kid and knew how to fly. (It wasn't a dream; they just don't want you to remember - your freedom and wings must remain clipped for their evil machinations.)
-Fight the power!
-Buy back your integrity, dignity, soul, ethos, life from The Man.
-Cook something outside.
-Think on your sins.
-Listen to some heavy metal.
-Go to a restarant and order: "all the bacon and eggs you have."
-Play any one of the excellent SCUMM based LucasArts games.
-Grab a favorite comfort food.
-Go look at the clouds in the sky, like right now. GO!
-Prepare for the worst, hope for the best, receive something totally unrelated to the first two.
Are you still on board? Really? Ughhh.
So you might have some questions along the lines of: "Well then what in the fuck are you doing on OKC?", or: "Who is this egotistical asshole?" or maybe even something like: "Why am I still reading this?"
"In the county of Spokane, in the fires of Brown's Mountain, the Dark Lord meanthings forged in secret a master profile to mock all others. And into this profile he poured his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all life."
This profile originally only existed for me to compare OKCupid's match ratings between myself and my best friend whom is still trying to use this site to find a suitable match (poor bastard). What was once just an anonymous profile, with loads of questions answered, has mutated into a pure-ego force of white-hot judgment and swagger. So now the new goal is to systematically review and judge every single profile on OKC. Ah well, at least it's nice to have goals. If you keep reading you'll also find that I'm fairly open and honest about my, shall we say, "character flaws". So read whatever you want, make up your own opinion and then feel free to judge me as harshly as you like. It's all good because I don't give a fuck about your opinion of me.
You were/are/will be judging me back; it's a natural animal instinct.
Also: If you are a woman whom self identifies as: "Curvy", "Full Figured" or even "Chubby"- chances are very good that I will identify you as:
In the "words" of Joseph Ducreux: "I enjoy large posteriors and I am unable to deceive."
"Halt! The time of the hammer is upon us!"
THE RATING SYSTEM:
"Take me to them, that I may render judgement!"
I use two number systems of my own design to evaluate a person's profile. The score starts at zero. Every interesting/awesome thing written earns a point, while the inverse also applies. The all time high score is 40 and the worst is -48. (Last updated: 11/5/13)
Oh yeah. I should mention that I now use the answers to matching questions to judge more so than the summaries written on a person's profile (unless it was really boring or super-awesome.)
That being said...
BOW AND PAY HOMAGE TO THE ALL TIME ORIGINAL RATING METHOD HIGH SCORE WINNER: misskitty2035 with 40 Points
Time completed: 00:59
Your rate for collecting items is: 57%
See you next mission.
What? You think you can beat that? Are you sure you can handle the motherfuckinfury that she embodies? Well feel free to ask for a profile evaluation anytime. (Have I mentioned how much I love judging others?)
Attention: Dudes-who-came-here-because-of-said-champion's-high-score-link, you have just triggered ENEMY ALERT MODE
Uh oh. You'd better run. I know about timed hits.
Really awesome women I find on here get five gold stars and that scratch 'n sniff sticker that says: "Grape Job".
Based on my super draconian standards, the current count of wicked awesome women over all of OKCupid is: 16! OMFG! (11/5/13) A day of intrigue: I found 3 new women who qualify for 5 star status. My low expectations lie in pieces on the ground.
Sadly only one out of those 16 women have a Metal Gear tattoo... So to that girl with the Shinkawa design Snake tattoo: keep on being way, (seriously WAAAY) more awesome than the other fifteen.
That number is getting too high; it's time to raise my standards...
...Or, maybe I should write a series of Sonatas about each one of these women. I'd be curious about the lyrical similarities found among each song.
Ok, so maybe sometimes I get really quixotic and wistful when I've been drinking.
Looking at my personality profile as it is I would like to see a "More like Jack Nicholson" metric. Seriously.
(Based on a calculation of the combination of a person's arrogance, confidence, appreciation for art, ambition and wealth.)
Yeah, I know it sounds like some lame 1980's staple from a stand-up act. (because, fact alert: sadly it was)
tl;dr: FUCK YOU.