The pressure of the blank page. As a writer it is always the first obstacle and then comes not getting too tied up in your words. So, here is it goes.

WHAT LIES BEHIND US AND WHAT LIES BEFORE US ARE TINY MATTERS COMPARED TO WHAT LIES WITHIN US

One of my good friends has these really cool quotes on her Myspace page and I am going to use these quotes as a launching point to what I am going to try to convey about myself here.

What lies behind me is a childhood that I really liked, spent in the island of Faial, Azores. For those of you that aren't familiar with these wonderful islands, the Azores is an archipelago of nine islands and they are made up of Portuguese people and immigrants that came to America in search of the American dream, found it and returned back to their roots to finish their lives comfortably. It isn't as touristy as some places tend to be. It is a place that you can wonder onto certain areas and feel as if you have stepped back in time.

I grew up without a lot of things. Television, indoor plumbing and the things that children here in America enjoyed in the 1960's. We didn't have much growing up. I am the oldest of five children. It was hard at times making ends meet for my parents, but it wasn't about what we didn't have, it was about what we had, love.

Although we didn't have much money and modern comforts, we had what we needed and Christmas was truly what should be about and we got something that we needed and my father always made certain that we had a toy. Gifts were not given again till our birthdays and even then it wasn't awhole lot, but it was memorable and meaningful. It wasn't a perfect childhood, but it was a time that I look back on and have many happy memories to draw from.

Came to America when I was nine in 1971 and have lived in California ever since. Been back to the homeland once in 1975 and again in 1992. It is a place that I will always cherish in my heart, but once you have lived in America, at least for me, you can never truly go back.

Tumultuous teens due mostly to my parents dysfunctional marriage. Fast forward to my twenties, when I got married at twenty-three in 1985, to the first man that I had a major relationship with and stayed married to him till he was murdered on August 13, 2006 after nearly 21 years of marriage. A week after he died, I discovered what I had long suspected, a few of his lovers. The police say that there were more. Murder still unsolved after 3 years.

My marriage started out great. We knew what to do and what not to do, but somewhere along the way, no matter what I did to make things better, my husband developed an agenda of his own and our lives revolved around him. He was much like my father, a great provider. Funny how, you do your best not to marry your father and then on a subconscious level you do.

My husband and I, throughout our marriage had moments of greatness. I made certain that we would take yearly vacations and would get away at least one day out of the month, so that we could stay connected to each other. After awhile, this was no longer enough. It wasn't that he didn't have what he needed at home, it was just that my husband was narcissistic and needed the adulation that he got as he gained prestige and recognition for the countless things that he did. So, for those of you that think, well he wouldn't have cheated if he had gotten what he had needed at home, you are wrong. The grass was always greener and he had no moral boundaries by the time he died.

The last three years, have been a challenge of sorts for me and my daughter. She is 16 now and will soon turn 17 at the end of the year. My daughter is and always be the best part of my life. The one thing that my husband and I did right together. She misses her father, recognizes that he wasn't perfect and loves him for the father that he was to her.

This last year, I have achieved a normalcy of sorts for the two us. I am the modern working, single mom, trying hard to make ends meet and succeeding at it most of the time. It isn't what I wanted for myself at this time in my life, but from this new life, I have grown in ways that I hadn't done so in years and I am liking a lot who it is that I am now.

What the future holds remains to be seen. You never know what awaits around the corner, but the here and now is something that I am enjoying quite a bit. I am meeting new exciting people. I am making truly wonderful friends and my world is expanding in ways that I wouldn't have imagined only a short time ago.

I am hungry once again for life. I am excited about reaching out beyond my comfort zone and finding what it is that I can still learn and still get out of this life. I know that when my brain hurts, that I am stretching beyond what I have been accustomed to and I have made myself be comfortable with that feeling. I enjoy talking with people that challenge me to be all that is in me to be. I feel like I am emerging out of my cave into the world and the bright sunlight that comes with each new day and embracing it for the first time and truly having discovered meaning in it for the first time.

So, I have gone from feeling as if I was living with one foot in the grave, to feeling truly alive again. So what lies within me and what I am bringing out into the light and sharing with my child and the people that are in my life and crossing my path, is truly a wondrous thing, because I never thought that I would feel this way again. I have growing pains and at my age, it feels damn good. I am not done yet discovering all that lies within me or discovering the people in the world around me and life is once again an exciting journey. Life is perfect just the way it is. It is a truth I have only recently discovered and it is the people in this life that tend to complicate things. Yes, there is disease and horrible natural disasters, that are truly beyond our control, but life is perfect. The sun rises each morning, whether there is a war going on, people dying somewhere, some place and whether you feel like facing the day or not, life continues on.

DANCE as if no one was watching you, LOVE as if you have never been hurt, SING as if no one can hear you, LIVE as if it were heaven on earth.

My twenties were about discovering what I was about. My thirties were more about fleshing out the discoveries I made in my twenties and making up for any mistakes made along the way. My forties have been about being myself and truly showing the people in my life who I am and not being as accommodating as I once had been.

So when I am dancing, I don't care who is watching me. I am loving again, although I have been deeply hurt and my heart has been shattered a few times. I sing more often than not, not really caring what I sound like (mostly in the shower and in my car)LOL and doing my best to create my own little version of heaven for myself and my daughter. I am giving the best that is in me to give to the people in my life. Sometimes I am failing miserably and getting up and trying again to do better. I am a fast learner and I try not to repeat my mistakes and I am constantly changing and growing.

I am living a life of no regrets. It is shaping me as I go and I wouldn't go back and change a thing.

“LIFE IS NOT A JOURNEY TO THE GRAVE WITH THE INTENTION OF ARRIVING SAFELY IN A PRETTY AND WELL-PRESERVED BODY, BUT RATHER TO SKID IN BROADSIDE, THOROUGHLY USED UP, TOTALLY WARN OUT AND LOUDLY PROCLAIMING WOW! WHAT A RIDE!

I am truly living this life for the first time and it is one hell of a ride!

SUCCESS IS TO BE MEASURED NOT SO MUCH BY TH POSITION THAT ONE HAS REACHED IN LIFE, AS BY THE OBSTACLES WHICH ONE HAS OVERCOME.

I have overcome many things in my life. Things that have made me stronger and these things I reserve to share only with the special people that take the time to know me and appreciate who I am and how I got here.

“LIFE ISN'T ABOUT FINDING YOURSELF, IT'S ABOUT CREATING YOURSELF.”

I am truly a work in progress these days and if you don't talk to me for some time, you will find that I am changed from the last time that you saw me. A friend of mine once commented that I am always changing. It isn't that what is basically me is always changing, but I am always questioning things and re-evaluating everything and not just mindlessly living my life anymore. I try not to buy into stereotypes and cliches. The biggest lesson that I am trying to learn everyday is to not make assumptions. Assumptions are dangerous things sometimes. I have also learned that the more you look for answers, that sometimes you only end up coming up with more questions.

TWO ROADS DIVERGED IN A WOOD, I...I TOOK THE ONE LESS TRAVELED BY, AND THAT HAS MADE ALL THE DIFFERENCE.

These days, I am taking the road less traveled and I am finding that it is a much better road to take. Have you ever noticed how when you get lost you end up seeing places that you wouldn't have otherwise seen. That is what I am enjoying the most right now. Seeing and discovering new places. Seeing and discovering new people. Taking a chance on something new. Staring down fear and doing what scares me.

LOVE DOES NOT MAKE THE WORLD GO 'ROUND, LOVE IS WHAT MAKES THE RIDE WORTH WHILE. BUT GROUNDLESS HOPE, LIKE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, IS THE ONLY KIND WORTH HAVING.

I have truly only been in love three times in my life. I have loved many people along the way, family and friends, people that I will never see again and people that will always remain my friends. But, truly deeply in love, would die for that person love, three times. I am looking for that sort of love again.

I want someone to cherish me as much as I cherish them. To wake up thinking about me as I do about them. To think about me throughout their day and wondering how I am, as I am doing the same about them. I want someone that cares that if I am hurt, sick or tired. I want someone to truly appreciate all that is in me, all that I am and all that I am not. Loves me flaws and all. I want to be with someone that doesn't treat me like his possession but rather appreciates me and the gift of my love and my presence in his life. Because when I love, that is how I love the person that I am with.

I won't put you on a pedestal because that won't be fair to you and please don't put me on one either. I will love you with my feet firmly on the ground, aware that you are human and seeing in your eyes each and everyday who you are and why I love you. When I love, I love.

I respect honesty. If you mess up, I rather hear the truth, because only the truth will make things better faster and mend the hurt that you cause my heart.

Talking things out is so much better than yelling at each other. So, I have discovered that hikes are wonderful for resolving life's difficult issues that pop up in a relationship. I find that it is best to remind yourself that you love the person that you are with even when you are truly angry with them, for words cut deeper than any knife will and will haunt you forever.

Remind yourself not to take the people in your life for granted. Take time to appreciate the people in your life while you still have them. Also, don't forget to take the time to appreciate who you are and don't give only to others, but remember to give to yourself and learn to appreciate the giving that is showered on you.

Okay, that is basically me, now. LOL. I can be lots of fun really. I know that this is pretty heavy stuff and some goes pretty deep. So, I will try to lighten things up a bit, from now on.

I've spent alot of time vacationing in Lake Tahoe. I've spent sometime down in L.A. and Anaheim for events with my kid. She wants to direct film, so we have done red carpet events and met a few important people, like Sir Ridley Scott and his brother Tony Scott.

I have been to Yosemite twice and I love it there. A true get away spot, especially if you stay at the Wawona Hotel where there are no phones in the room or tv. Most likely your cell and pager is out of range and all you can do is just relax and learn to breath again.

I would love to go camping sometime. Truly go camping.

I love to go fishing, even if I don't catch anything and I don't like it when people are constantly asking me, did I catch anything as I am fishing. LOL

I've been back East when it was sweltering hot in July for a family reunion. Rhode Island, Connecticut, Mass, Vermont, Maine. Went across country to go to this reunion and discovered what an incredible country we live in and how amazing all the ecosystems are.

I've traveled to England and saw bits of London and Liverpool for The Beatles Magical Mystery Tour. The pubs are where you find the really friendly, down to earth people in England. Everywhere else, everyone seems to be so serious.

I seriously want someone to invent the star trek beaming anywhere machine. It would save the environment. No more planes, trains, cars and the need for oil.

I would love to travel to Italy sometime and take a whole month to explore it top to bottom. Italy is a combination of things that I absolutely love. History, Scenery and Great Food and really nice friendly people.

I have made changes in myself on things that no longer served a purpose in regards to who I am or what I want to be. I also gave up drinking, because it was becoming an issue. So, now I experience things more fully. I can be around other people that are drinking and still have a great time with no desire to have a drink myself. No AA needed and have done so for almost three years now.

Being a hopeless romantic, I always believed that if you found that special someone, your soulmate, that you would end up together. Well, I met my soulmate after becoming a widow, and all that I believed in regards to that, I have discovered is wrong. But I am grateful for the time that I got to be with him. I am currently re-evaluating my definition of soulmate and I am finding that my philosophy on it, is in need of retooling and rethinking a bit. But I will never forget him and will forever have a special place in my heart for him.

I believe in God but I don't follow any particular religion. I have found religion to be more damaging and confusing than pure raw faith. There are days that I have a crisis of faith and the things that make me question at times the very existence of God is "God will not give you more than what you can handle". I seriously beg to differ, having been given more than I can handle more than once in this lifetime.

"Ask and you shall receive." If God gave you everything that you asked for, it wouldn't be a good thing. However there are certain things that I would have hoped that He had, and he didn't. No matter how much Faith I had.

These two things makes question the existence of God a lot. When children die of horrible diseases and senseless acts of violence are done to them, I question why God allows it.

"God helps those who help themselves." That right there is a bit of a quandary for me. How much of what we do is us making it happen and how much is it God?

So, I have my deep thoughts and one of the main reasons why I am on here. I can't spend too much time inside my head. Not a good idea.

I believe in and love this country. I am thrilled that Obama is in the White House. He has quite a mess to clean up and I hope that he gets to serve two terms, because he will need all the time that he can get.

I believe that the whole Iraq/Afghanistan thing was necessary, but I also believe that the job has been more than adequately done and it is time to pull out before any more lives are lost over there.

Just this February, had a death that hit close to home. My friend's brother died over there. I have another friend that survived two tours of duty in Iraq. It's time to pull out and have our troops come home.

Why can't we find Osama Bin Laden, with all the intel and technology? I believe that we have already found him and we are just trying to get as much of the problem contained before we swoop in and take out the threat that has done so much damage in our lives.

I have recently signed up to get my AA in Web Design with ITT Tech and am finally going to get a college education.

Okay, I think that is enough about me. Hope to hear from people that have more than two healthy brain cells to rub together. There is so much more to life than our own rather insignificant existence and I would like to expand my little world by meeting interesting people on here to be friends with and explore any other possibility beyond that.

I should mention that in the last three years, I have discovered a love for football, namely the S.F. Niners. Baseball as in the S.F. Giants. I also have developed a love for hockey, especially the San Jose Sharks.

I am teaching myself how to play the guitar, only I hate the chords stuff so far and have actually started composing something that I am playing without chords and just the pure note from the string and it is cool. I love the way the music just vibrates right through you as you hold the guitar against you.

I have learned that true beauty lies within. It is in the heart, the soul and the mind. That first impressions are often misleading. That not making assumptions is a lifelong process. When you stop being open minded, that's when you stop growing beyond what you know. I am aware just how much people treat you like something that is easily discard and tossed aside. That we live in a disposable minded society.
There is always someone better, something better, something easier and nothing ever truly satisfies.

Life is a journey and not for the weak at heart. Life will leave you feeling like your heart is being shredded from within and just when you think that you will never love again, you do. When you feel you will never feel joy and laughter again, that is when it is there just waiting around the corner for you.

I wish that people wouldn't mindlessly get married. Live your commitment to each other. How are you ever going to get to the better for worse part and the richer or poorer, the sickness and in health part, if you keep bailing out?

I wish that if the person that you are with has a great need to be with another person, he would be honest about it and give the person that they are with the very same opportunity do the same and be fair about things and still respect what they have with each other. It beats cheating and it is a more honest and adult way to be. Not saying that I desire this sort of relationship, but twenty one years of my life being faithful to a man that was anything but. I wish that I had been given the option to have the same things that he had, then I would have had a better life and wouldn't have gone through all the want and need that I went through.

Maybe, I wouldn't have been open to such a thing, but at least I would have been given the option. The should haves and the could haves are an exercise in futility. I am still working on that. :)

Okay, too serious again. LOL Okay, that's it. Find out what you can about me in person if you meet me, Lord knows I have told you enough, but the picture is no where near complete. LOL

I am looking for the right person to settle down with and hopefully that will be sooner rather than later. I am tired of dating and I am not cut out to be alone. However, I am not willing to settle. Don't assume that since I was cheated on that I will tolerate that from anyone or that you will think that you can get away with it, if you are clever enough. I am a good woman with a good heart and I deserve to love and be loved.

Don't assume anything about me please. I have been through enough b.s. to last a lifetime. If you are not an honorable person that has integrity or even knows what that means, don't bother to message me.

I am trying to truly live this life for the first time and trying to understand all its complexities. I am opening myself up to learning new things all the time. Questioning and re-examining what I have believed in and deciding if those beliefs are still valid. Taking time to have fun and not worry so much about what is expected of me, but what I expect from myself and what I expect from this life and not settling for less than what I deserve, because I have spent too much time in this life settling.

Guys that are older than my age, chances are unless you really manage to impress me, you will not have a chance with me. Guys in your forties, ditto. I am still hungry for life and if you are pretty settled into this life and aren't very open minded about trying new things, don't bother to message me. Been there, done that. I will date someone in their 30's and even in their 20's provided I am not old enough to be your mother or you have it super together and don't think that a woman like me, all she wants from being with a younger guy, is sex. I want to settle down. Be done dating. Period.

Listening
Being Spontaneous
Open-minded
Cooking
Writing
Creating
Being in touch with my inner child and never forgetting the joy of discovering and doing something new.
Questioning things and not having a cookie cutter mentality.
Always challenging what we as a society find acceptable and why.

My smile, my laughter and my eyes. That I can still be quite naive and have faith in certain people and things, when most people wouldn't.

I am a Nanny for my day job, sometimes Data Entry. For my preferred work, I am a writer. I have published a book "Say Good-Bye to Yesterday" with authorhouse.com and I also wrote and illustrated a children's book with my daughter through the same publishing site.

I love to cook, paint (abstract mostly), create. I love long drives. I love the coast. I love the ocean and lot's of seafood, especially raw oysters and Nori (seaweed). I will eat just about anything. I love trying new things. Experiencing new flavors. Food is exciting to me.
I love dark chocolate.

I love to read, when I can find the time to do it. My favorite type of books are smart historical romance, like the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon. I love the Dan Brown books and not just the Da Vinci Code and the Angels & Demons. His earlier books were pretty great as well. I love mystery and I recently read The Book of Fate which had an interesting plot.

A book that I resented being referred to at the time and now I am thoroughly glad that I read it, is called "Facing Love Addiction Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way you Love" by Pia Mellody. It is all about being too in love with someone, the love addicts and avoiding love, the avoidance addicts. For a lot of us, we fall into either or quite a bit. Good way to get healthy and find the love you need and want.

I love watching smart tv when I can. When I say smart, I mean watching shows that I don't feel like my brain cells are getting fried. The Mentalist, Fringe, House, CSI shows, Cold Case, Heroes, Lost, Numbers, Burn Notice, Saving Grace, Leverage, The Closer, loved Moonlight, but it got canceled, Ghost Whisperer, Medium, Ghost Hunters and Ghost Hunters International. For repeats, Charmed, Angel and Stargate SG-1. I am also a fan of Battlestar Galactica.

Ooh, my latest obsession and I can't watch it anymore because I don't have Showtime, The Tudors.

There are more, but I can't quite think of them right now. I also love to watch Sci-fi, History Channel, Discovery, TLC.

Movies, I love action/adventure. Sci-fi., martial arts, suspense, romance with substance and not the fluffy stuff. I love a good comedy and anything different than the norm that's well done. The most current movies that I've seen are, The Taking of Pelham 123, Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince and G.I Joe. Really great movies. "Twilight" on DVD. I love vampire movies. The really well made ones, not the cheesy campy stuff. The Lord of the Ring Movies were my favorite movies for quite sometime. The Matrix films. Under the Tuscan Sun.

I love music, from classic rock, Pink Floyd, Rolling Stones, Queen, Def Leppard, INXS, to more current mainstream, U2, Dave Mathews, Nickelback, Rob Thomas (check out his new CD Cradlesong. I met him and got to chat with him. He is a really nice guy.) More on what I like in music later. Basically anything that moves me and has a good sound to it. Can't live without music. Linkin Park, 3 Days Grace

My latest guilty pleasure is Anime. I love Saiyuki, Ghost Hunt, Ouran High School Host Club (kitsy but fun) and I am going to start watching D.N. Angel. I am also into this live action series based off of a Manga, called "Great Teacher Onizuka" Blame my daughter for this latest corruption of my brain cells.

Here is a link to my playlist. It is still a work in progress. Check it out if you like. It will give you an idea of who I am, but it won't tell you the whole story. :)

http://www.playlist.com/user/46804562/playlists

my daughter
good food
laughter
friends/family
love
books/art
hiking

Okay that is more than six. LOL

What it is that I am supposed to learn while I am here on this planet and not missing the boat. Living and not just existing. Following the beat of my own drum. Not giving up on having hope. Not giving up on dreams. Not spending too much time thinking about the past, focusing on today and having hopes and dreams for the future.

I am home kicking back with my kid and or if I am seeing someone, hopefully going out and doing something fun or staying in and doing something fun.

It wouldn't be private if I admitted on here. Get to know me and I will tell you everything :).

You find in me a kindred spirit or at the very least you have something that you feel you must say to me. I normally say hi if I am not too busy. I try to respond to all my messages. If I don't, I had good reason not to. Just keep looking. Lot's more on here.