I am the girl your mother never told you about as a child because she didn't want to scare the bejesus out of you. I find that the rest of my profile is best read in a Christopher Walken voice.

I am pretending to write something here since nobody actually reads this after they see the picture (notice I am under the age of 40, don't have any kids or have ever been married) only to continue onto writing tard-o-licious emails. I am pretty well educated, some say witty, and will use that to make fun of any retarded email. I am not here because I am looking for my "Soul Mate" which really means 'someone you marry though you hate them but feel you need to get married' because everyone must get married after 25 or be decapitated by their mother. No, I didn't have to have a horrible or abusive relationship to decide I don't believe in the idea of soul mates. I know it is blasphemous for you to imagine it, but I enjoy being single and just dating!

I am not looking for random sex with someone. No matter how much your mother tells you how sexy you are, I am not going to meet you for cheap crappy sex! I am just looking for interesting people in general. Must make me laugh, be educated, take care of themselves and enjoy life. My main focus on this site is to post on the forums with snarcastic banter.

working out, sarcasm, humor, jackassery outdoor sports and camping, cross training, biomechanics

Making fun of it for cheap entertainment!

Not taking myself too seriously!

What a cute little jackass I am!

Fight Club, Snatch, American Psycho, Army of Darkness Boondock Saints, True Romance, Raising Arizona, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Smokin Aces, Shaun of the Dead, Big Lebowski, Holy Grail, Princess Bride, Mike and Hank, Space Balls, Memento, Office Space, Airplane, Zoolander, Blazing Saddles, Singing in the Rain, Big Trouble in Little China, Cool Hand Luke, Dogma, Kung Fu Hustle, The Three Amigos, Groundhog day, In Bruges, Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, Man Bites Dog, Reservior Dogs, This is Spinal Tap, Four Rooms, Dr Strangelove, Life of Brian, Clerks, Secretary, Sweeny Todd, O Brother Where Art Thou, Juno, Big Nothing, RocknRolla, Layer Cake, Fido, Zombie Strippers

Books: Anything that is about physiology, kinesiology, genetics. Anything by Chuck Palahnuik.

Food: Anything healthy and gourmet

Your mom, facebook, my boobs, shame and desperation, bail money, plan b

About how I eat cool and shit awesome and wipe it on the face of society. It smells like jackassery and success!

Making the baby jesus cry

Nothing is private nor sacred, not even the pornographic midget figments in my head.

Well let us start with the first email...
Warning: Contains noxious amounts of sarcasm. If you are of a dimwitted nature or a retard please use care when reading this profile. Do not operate heavy machinery nor place near an open flame as contents are highly flammable. May have unsavory side effects of ego crushing, blatant name calling and spontaneous abortions. Void where prohibited.

* Please spell things CLOSE to how they sound in the English language. The use of letters and numbers as words should be reserved for 15 year old cheerleaders in a pregnancy pact.

* Do not expect me to have sex with you just because you ask nicely...Does that work at Quicky-mart by the slushy machine when you ask? Please reserve this sorta hijinx for desperation hour like everyone else.

* No I am not wanting you to look at any cam for money or for free. No I don't want to see your penis. I would hope you don't go to a place where you see a pretty girl and just "Whip" it out in front of her expecting some sort of compliment/putdown/slap-in-face/tow-rope reaction. Lets save cock-slapping and ball busting for the 3rd date.

* If I do not demand you stop wearing your members only jacket and your crew shirt with an alligator on the front or your ed hardy wardrobe including excessive spray tan then don't tell me how much you want me to wear that electric pink rubber cat suit and rollerskates.

* I respond to pictures. Yes I look like mine. I care about how YOU TAKE CARE of your body and YOURSELF. Please do not send me pictures from when you were with the boys in 'Nam, or the 1 grainy picture of your chest back during highschool football/wrestling. I take care of myself and expect you to do the same in order to relate to me!

* If you send me something canned please don't make it so obvious. Stop sending me your weekly canned response that is still the same email you concocted one drunk night back in 1999 which you are too lazy to update or fix the bad spelling errors in.

* Do not try to convert me into your cult/religion in the first email. I am an atheist, if you don't like it find another girl who goes to your spiritual colon cleansing meet and greets or your AA meetings. No, I do not hate your church or the people who attend, just your disrespectful pushy attitude and your 1972 mullet.

* No I don't want to have sex with you and your wife. It is bad enough trying to date just one person let alone a whole gaggle. I reserve my 'drunken sex swinging drug addled binging' for college and vegas. Unless is it swingin-sex train tuesday.

* Do not email me and assume there is anything wrong with me. I am not bitter, angry, lonely nor self-righteous. That is you not me. I also have not done any blood sacrifices in the last month so I can't be qualified as a satanist, a witch nor worse a lawyer. Please keep the judgments and assumptions to at least the second email.

* Sending me a rude email is no way to talk to women no matter how many mindless vh1 reality shows tell you it is. The women who respond well to that usually have low self-confidence and self-esteem. I will just put you down for fun until the cold sense of your old friend you have come to know well, rejection, sets in.

* Bipolar disorder afflicts millions of Americans. It is a disorder, not a method to pickup chicks with. Please refrain from violent outbursts until I start dating you.

* Do not complain about these rules. They are not rules, just a matter of etiquette. If you find these rules too tedious it is why you can't talk to a girl without your credit card number or a pump to inflate your date.

Editors

• awayfromlove