29 Sierra Madre, CA
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My self-summary
Y'all don't know what it's like being male, middle class, and white.

When someone describes themselves as a fun-loving optimist in the first line of their profile, I usually click away. What does this mean?

More to the point: I can't take OKC seriously, so I guess rather than talking about the things I like (like, say, camping, hiking, movie marathons, baseball, football, writing, video games, and long road trips), I'll mock this section and pretend I'm better than it.

I sit cross-legged a lot. Because apparently I stopped studying other methods of sitting after preschool.
What I’m doing with my life
I went to college so that when I argue with people on the internet, I could say "oh yeah, well I went to college, so shut up!"

Then I got a job as a TV production coordinator because apparently I had no compunction about being a Los Angeles cliche for a living.

Then I got fed up with it, quit, and now I'm a motherfuckin' mailman. A what!? Yeah, a mailman. I walk 10 miles a day in shorts, showing off my sexy calves for all the swooning 90 year old women waiting by their doors for their weekly coupons. One at a time, grandmothers!

I'm writing a novel in my spare time, with enough frequency that the local Starbucks baristas are comfortable calling me an asshole to my face . We should get together so I can talk all about it for two hours while you feign interest.
I’m really good at
-Finding a way to blame all of my personal shortcomings on Obama
-Watching enough Law and Order to deserve an honorary law degree
-Beating my 10yr old half-brother in 1-on-1 basketball. Kid can't shoot for shit.
-Senseless trivia. If you've got a thing for dive bar gift cards, I'm a panty-dropper
-Most anything baseball related
-Recognizing 16 year old Simpson references, but not 15 year old ones.
The first things people usually notice about me
That I look like every single famous white guy ever. All the ugly ones and all the good looking ones and all of the ones in between. If they had a beard for five minutes, apparently I look like them.

My co-workers tell me I don't smile much. Then again, they don't seem to realize that they're the reason.

That my fashion sense is alarmingly hetero-normative. I rock a T-shirt and jeans like I invented the shit.

"Sir, you're causing a scene."
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Top 6s:

Books: Catch-22, Mysterious Stranger, Huck Finn, The Great Gatsby, The Stranger, Devil in the White City

Movies: Dr. Strangelove, Office Space, Ghostbusters, Fargo, There Will Be Blood, Pulp Fiction

Shows: The Wire, True Detective, Breaking Bad, South Park, Mad Men, Old 'Simpsons'

Musicians: LCD Soundsystem, Beastie Boys, The Rolling Stones, Arcade Fire, Girl Talk, The Replacements

And then a bunch of other bands you've never heard of before and/or that I heard before you, so why bother even stating them? *pushes up glasses and rolls eyes*
The six things I could never do without
Wild gesticulation
Run-on sentences
Gross generalizations
Meaningless lists
An ipod ipod touch iphone iphone 3G iphone 3GS iphone 4 ipad iphone 4s ipad 2 iphone 5 iphone 5C IPHONE 5S iPHONE 6iPHONE 6 plus!
I spend a lot of time thinking about
How the person who first said "shoot for the moon, because even if you fall short, you'll end up amongst the stars" had a really fucking awful grasp on astronomy.

How all of the most ambitious people I know are also the least talented people I know.

What those two boy scouts in Central Park were about to find in the bushes on Law and Order before my Netflix stream froze. I'll never know.

Why my oscillating fan only wants to hang out with me like 1/4th of the time.
On a typical Friday night I am
Hanging out with all the dudes who send you the awful, perverted messages, to thank them for making me look good by comparison.

See also: baseball games, movie theaters, pub trivia/drinks, relaxing at home, finding new restaurants, and other WhitePeopleStuff™.

Or Netflix. Because Netflix doesn't judge me for spending $9.50 on "White House Down" like the uppity lady at the box office window.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I have a fear of flying, and I usually spend about the week before every flight I take obsessively reading Wikipedia articles about plane crashes because that's healthy behavior.

So yeah, I might be a fucking moron. Are you interested in dating a moron?

I know all the words to Natalie Imbruglia's "Torn." Let's rock that shit.
You should message me if
You read my profile and said "fuck it, he's got an income, and I've got five good years left, tops."

You enjoy this as much as I do (which is quite a lot):

You know all the words to "Paul Revere" by the Beastie Boys

You don't care that when/if we're together, I tell my parents that we met in a prison pen pal writing program. Less embarrassing for both of us that way.