By night, I am the weapon that will destroy the state. A simple libertine anarchist, with simple tastes, who enjoys the simple things in life... like open sedition and violent revolution. I also moonlight as the stunt double for the Ax Body Wash commercials, and play in the hardcore rock band "50 caliber Fist FK" at the Restaurant at the End of the Universe or the Star Wars Cantina, as lead flutist and accordian player. Yeah, I know, an artistic type, that gets you hot and bothered! Is it hot in here? Someone throw a glass of water in my face. Yeah. That completed me. Hit me again.

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=441223

By day, I'm just your ordinary run of the milll über mad scientist witch doctor, shark trainer @ PetSmart, video game designer, trash dump truck driver, pinup girl / vintage nudes / boudoir photographer, panhandling street musician, moonlighting mortician, combat helicopter pilot, baby sitter, shrunken head distributor, and youtube video editor...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBEcH2ded0w

...more talented than your estranged weird fraternal twin kid brother Philmore who was banished at the age of five for intentionally writing run on sentences like this one, and for unspeakable acts against vegtebles with cabbage patch dolls. Remember, the one you set up and framed, so you could have all the toys to yourself? You got him good, didn't you, you conniving b***h! Couldn't wait until you started dating me, like all the rest, you had to start early!

I can change the windshield wiper fluid in your car *and* roll back the odometer, not to mention, change the VIN with a belt grinder. The same belt grinder you use to take off your makeup!

Shhh, *looks around*, I will tell you a Zohan secret agent state secret. Don't mess with the Zohan. No, that's not it. I am building the worlds most powerful squishy computer in my basement. I call it my 9 cat brain neural net hyper transcendental computer, a TI-89 pocket calculator with more smarts than your electronic washing machine dryer combo, to explore the totally bogus 'Many Worlds' theory. Look it up on Wikipedia, geek girl!

I feed it catnip graham crackers instead of WW2 era punch cards (the Nutella spread I put on them kind of gunks things up tho), and while my multi cat brained computer dreams, I dance in my spider man underwear in front of a mirror and sing "I wanna grow old with you" like Adam Sandler. Sometimes I ask it questions. Like, will I ever find true love. Sometimes it meows at me. Will you meow at me? I might meow back.

If you are standing right there, does it make you uncomfortable if I undress your dog with my eyes? How about your grandpa? Myself? I am undressing myself with my eyes! No, you are! Stop it! Village harlot!

If we get milkshakes, I call dibs on your cherry. But if we go anywhere, you must help me carry my backpacks full of mouse traps, because if my 9 cat brained computer is right, the future is full of mice. A post apocalyptic bladerunner world is right around the corner, so repent, all you sinners, all of you are a heathen self absorbed lot that spend way too much time staring back at yourself in the vanity mirror that is your myspace profile!

Every guy has a secret agenda, and my secret agenda is to defrag the hell out of your harddrive, and tease your hair for added height and volume. Girl, you know you got non-sequential sectors going on, AND split ends!

Dating my sworn enemies here on OkC, you know, where it says 0% friend, 80% enemy next to your nick. If its 80% or above, hit me up. Insert cliche here: Keep your friends close, keep your enemies even closer. In my bed is not close enough; come closer over here, you vixen you. No, not that close. At least not until you've brushed your teeth this morning. Much better. Ooo those are cold hands. Watch it!

People always put the cliche here... what are you doing with your life... "Enjoying it". I'm not enjoying it. Life is one big shit stew. Reject life! I didn't ask for this. I got yanked out of the happy ether of non-existence and thrown onto this planet of the apes. I sure hope there's intelligent life in space, because there's buggerall down here on Earth. Do you know what buggerall is? Stop wasting your time playing Farmville, look it up on Uncyclopedia, geek girl! Oh wait, its not there, guess you'll have to crack your knuckles at the keyboard and write the entry yourself. Just like I reached into your purse and wrote that blank check out to myself, to do anything I wanted to your beautiful oh so kissable face.

Employment. In real life *wtf is that?* I'm an game designer, and I just got hired into a team as a female gamer girl software developer for a Sci Fi game (Battlestar something or another) based on a hella popular cable miniseries. I don't know jack shit about the show, so I'm crunching through the wikis. Finally, off the food stamps!

You're probably wondering, how the hell does that work, me, a female game designer? Two words: voice morphing software, biatches! Ok, that's three words. Makes me sound exactly like a teenage girl. Life is fucked up. I win by rewriting the rules to the game in my favor. Your chastity stands not a chance!

Watching you masturbate, it takes less calories than doing it myself. I need to save my calories; you, however, could stand to lose a few. For real, you're getting as fat as your mother! And you're starting to look like her too...!

My strategy for driving women crazy... I love to take female UPS drivers out on dates, and make nothing but left turns.

I am about 18 feet tall (I was recently made aware that I might only be 5'9 and a half, add 3 more inches with high heals). I have plaid hair, and my eyes are either blue or purple, depending on how drunk you are. I weigh approximately 160 pounds (subject to g = 9.8 m/ss), and am neither a dragon nor a pinata.

I don't drink or smoke. I am only smoking when I'm on fire. Smoking is icky, and drinking always feels like cheating. Unless it's yummy, in which case I will occasionally ask you to let me to taste your thighs. Also, I don't eat puppies.

I am attracted to all sorts of girls, like your grandmother and your sister, and prefer intelligence and sense of humor over bust size. Unless your boobs are like really huge, in which case, I won't stop staring at them. In fact, I will brag about them to all my friends down at the local beer hall.

I want someone who is confident about the stuff she understands, and interested in the blowing up of the things she doesn't.

Wikipedia, no scratch that, Uncyclopedia. Too many of my wiki edits got slashed and burned!
"Animal Farm" & "1984", George Orwell
"Prairie Fire", The Weathermen
"Addicted to War: Why the U.S. Can't stop Militarism"
"No Treason: The Constitution of No Authority", Lysander Spooner
"Civil Disobedience", Henry David Thoreau
The Onion / News Network, Collegehumor, Adultswim, Southpark, illwillpress, Gnooze

Attachments, a Jedi craves not these things.

With a broom and a power screwdriver, however, I can clean and repair your world.

You. Stargirl. The girl of my dreams, my dream girl. Even we who are destined to dwell in the mud can still long for the sky. You should have a huge purse. I mean the biggest ever. Because I like rummaging around in your purse for chewing gum and cigarettes. I like destroying cigarettes. Mostly I like drawing little smilie faces with disturbing facial expressions on all your tampons. So the woman with the biggest gaudiest purse, wins me! Come out of your palace, princess! Life is down here, with all the lying and killing and fucking.

Also, if you have those huge dangling earrings, that is a big plus! And do you know how to fire an M60 belt fed weapon and field strip it, all while eating a grill cheese sandwich? In summation, if you can see glow in the dark people when you squeeze your eyes shut real tight, well, you don't need me to entertain you. But if you can't, well, write me a love note and slide it under the door while I'm in the bathroom on the potty.

Speaking of potties... if you ate glitter, would you poop glittery poop? You ponder that, while I swipe your virgin credit card through this little machine here. Here, hold this big screen LCD HD TV for me while I do it. Don't be concerned, its just a social lubricant bizarre custom on this planet. Ok, we're good, lets jet!

Changing my detailed profile answers to retarded references to masturbation to confound my multitude of stalkers. Please stop texting my phone. Go away little girl, I am too dangerous for you... until you're ready to take down the state with a pipe bomb, yeah, stick to your trashy pulp romance novels! I write mostly of them anyway, secretly under a thousand different pen names, so every time you read a romance novel, you are making sweet love to me, in one of my millions of different Quantum Leap personalities.

Before you have to ask, Rarity is my favorite My Little Pony.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qQSz6gKdhO8

I cry to the movie Le Fabuleux Destin d' Amelie Poulan. Well, I cry to a lot of heart and gut wrenching stuff, my grandmother was a very emotional woman. Damn this being an empath.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2FSGO5w1OJI

I want to make love to you. Like right now. Indian princess. In the forest. With the squirrels and a deer watching. Disneyishque. Then we can ride away on an Invisible Pink Unicorn into the sunset.

http://shellprompt.com/dump/Amelie_-_Life_is_Clear_and_Simple.mp4

Invisible Pink Unicorns are beings of great spiritual power. We know this because they are capable of being invisible and pink at the same time. Like all religions, the Faith of the Invisible Pink Unicorns is based upon both logic and faith. We have faith that they are pink; we logically know that they are invisible because we can't see them

You are willing to kill for me on command without question, and be happy to do so. Think evil Wonder Woman, or Xena as my love slave. Bonus points if you've got the stones to yodel a victory war song in the nude in public after every kill!

You should like ice cream truck chasing in springtime (very sexy if you bark like me), psychotic leprechauns, and cheezy midi video game music. But you shouldn't be ugly either. Or male. Or a zombie dragon, powerful in life, unstoppable in death.

We can go snipe hunting, wife swapping, or illegal street racing. Or you can tell me about some really good play/band/stripper which we go see. Or we can just meet up for coffee. Or better yet, coffee ice-cream.

Conclusion. Naked stick figures are fun. You should email me. I like ice-cream, but not puppy flavored ice cream. Quit smacking your gums with anticipation. And I don't care how fast we are going, if I die, I'm going to heaven with you. Move aside, dummy, I'm going in first!

Maybe you're not going to heaven, hum, I am a matchbook church priest, tell me your sins. Make some new ones with me. I take you home to Republic of Bunnzakhstan to meet my mother and other prostitutes of the village.

Like a man ape, I poke dead tigers with sticks to make sure they are truly dead, and get way too excited about it. In the final analysis, I'm just a part of the alienated withdrawn from society Hikikomori humanity on this rock in space like everyone else, a neanderthal girl trapped in a man's body dragging her butt in the sand having her period. Write it on my tombstone. Fuck reincarnation. I'm not coming back!

Until then, I content myself with planting wildflower seeds by the sides of highways... no way in hell I'm dating any of you! Two world wars have convinced me, human beings just do NOT get along together. Ya'll got issues.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Culture_jamming