I am still somewhat enthralled by the strange and deranged people I've encountered here. I've gotten messages from guys with unusual (and very public) fetishes, couples interested in three-somes, a few confessions of love, many inquiries about casual sex and most recently, the guy with the inability to express his thoughts without making a rude, judgemental and just plain rotten comment. Perhaps, I've pondered, such is the result of lacking social skills.

This dude apparently either felt that gals must find it attractive when vices and faults are flaunted before their faces, or just didn't have a clue about how to intiate social conversation. (This doesn't entirely surprise me, since I'm accustomed to working with children with atrocious social skills.) Not only were those important first impressions dashed by offense, but he kept on going when I would have thought it best to remove one's foot from one's ass and insert it into his mouth. I'm quite aware of my shortcomings and don't appreciate having a stranger insult me during our first conversation. I truly hope that there are better guys out there than that.  End Rant. Blah.

By chance, I stumbled across an amazing book a few days ago and finally grabbed it last night from the book store. Although I stayed up far too late lost within the text, I admit to falling prey to the girlish cornyness of its dark romance, delving within the heart of a concept I've been fixated with for a long time. I find it beautiful and haunting to watch the unfurling of a romance destined from the beginning to be impossible yet still surge through such tides for the hope of attaining innocent love. With that in mind, I find it even more touching to see such romance attempted between races (or groups) where hopes would be almost destined to fail, as two kindreds are evermore parted along a distinct boundary. One of the most tragic (and the subject of my most recent fixation as evidence from giving up much-needed sleep to indulge in voracious reading within the pages of Twilight) would have to be love evolving between human and vampire. I continue to be spellbound. :)

I'm feeling rather..rutty as of late. It sounds somewhat dirty when phrased like that. Imagine that. This is also the first time that I've actually posted a journal entry to this site, which also feels somewhat odd since I already have a livejournal. Not entirely sure why, but then I suppose that not every action is rational and needs reasoning behind.

But back to my initial observation. Ruts. Have you ever ambled passively ahead, only to stumble sideways into a muddy ditch while twisting your ankle and ruining your favorite shoes? Or even worse, losing your balence completely and sliding headfirst into the sludgey pit that is actually filled just high enough with icey water to leave you shivering, adequately drenched and unable to climb out, not to mention sporting stains that will never, ever come clean no matter what kickass detergent you used. Thankfully, my current rut only leaves me mourning the sight of sunlight and green grass and pouting at the treadmarks on my favorite shirt.

I can't help but feel that there must be something that I'm somehow not doing right. And that contradicts the fact that, I'm not actually searching, or trying. I just, want. Pathetic, eh?

I argue with myself constantly about the want and desire to come across someone who is going to fullfill my needs right now and the deep, welling anger towards men who lead women on in the belief that they will actually follow through and truly care. My bitterness is plagued by the endless need to erase the stains of hurt from my awareness and remain hopeful that it won't last forever. But the saddest part is, I don't know how to do that. And I keep thinking that somewhere, in some place, the person who is looking for me is going to end up tired and frustrated and finally give up searching.