You know how back in elementary school, there were the kids who were constantly running around, bumping into things, falling over, and always manged to get their head glued to a table or something? But at the same time were cripplingly shy, and could only be brought out of their shell with copious amounts of candy? Most of those kids eventually grew up and matured out of that phase to become healthy, sane, productive members of society.

I didn't. I'm basically still 7 years old.

I have been described as either a gigantic girl-nerd, or a flaming gay boy trapped in a girl's body. Either one is accurate.

Most weekends in the summer will find me at the Bristol Renaissance Faire, running around in varying levels of clothing and generally making a fool of myself. I still play the original Civilization (hooray DOS emulators!) because the new 3D versions get me lost and disoriented, but I kick ass at Left 4 Dead (and by "kick ass" I mean "suck enthusiastically"). I like zombies, dinosaurs, giant microbes, and trilobites. I have a large poster of the Periodic Table hanging in my bedroom, as well as a map of our solar system on three different scales. I know where the Oort cloud is, and you should too!

As much as I try to come off as silly and outgoing online, in real life I'm very quiet and painfully shy (especially around girls that I like).

To avoid confusion: I currently have a not-boyfriend, tsavennava, living down in Chicago. We love each other and consider ourselves to be committed, even if our ideas of what that means differ from most peoples. We have an open relationship; both of us see other people. Yes, I sex with other guys, and he doesn't mind. And even more telling; he sexes with other girls and I don't mind. So does that mean you have a chance with me?

Probably not, unless you are: Thin, pale, maddeningly intelligent, slightly queer, and hopelessly nerdy. In which case, we should have an abortion together.

Editors

• skeptic_cat

Well, after spending more money than I knew existed on a nice fancy bachelors degree in microbiology, I'm gainfully employed at Target. Fuck college.

I had planned on joining the Peace Corps when I graduated and then going back to school, but I unexpectedly needed to move to Milwaukee for family reasons. I'm in the process of applying to UW Milwaukee to get my masters in clinical lab science.

Editors

• sociolology

I do a pretty sweet impersonation of Leeloo.

I'm also decent at playing piano. I haven't had lessons in years, so I'm sure I'm doing it ALL WRONG but I can still make music happen.

It depends on the context. Most of the time, they don't. Or at least, I hope they don't, as I'm usually standing in the corner of the room trying to hide.

If I'm at Faire, though, they probably notice that I'm mostly naked.

Books:
I like reading. Just in general. Science textbooks, Charles de Lint, mysteries, Jules Verne, nonfiction, whatever. My favorite book so far is "The Descent" by Jeff Long (but not its sequel. What a letdown).

Movies:
V for Vendetta, Gattaca, Fifth Element, Jurassic Park (only the first one), Tank Girl, Jarhead, The Princess Bride, Sin City. And other stuff.

Music:
Rammstein is the love of my life. Do not ever message me saying "DU HAAAAST."
I like a wide variety of stuff, from KMFDM to the Cranberries, Sia to Psyclon Nine, and Mindless Self Indulgence to Johnny Cash.

I don't like jazz. I was traumatized at an early age, and cannot reconcile my hatred of middle school jazz band with the knowledge that I would be more mature if I listened to the smooth stylings of Miles Davis. Fuck that shit.

I also don't like most popular music (aside from my perplexing and embarrassing addiction to Lady Gaga). I'm not sure what twerking is, I am about 90% sure it's physically impossible for me to drop my ass to the floor while shaking it, and I am in no way interested in your grill.

(I'm resisting the urge to just put "The internet!" and other generic shit here)

-Cuddles. Yes, I need them. I'm a very tactile person and I thrive on and crave physical contact with very specific people. Sometimes these cuddles happen without any clothes on.

-Sugar! Or caffeine. Or 12 hours of sleep a night.

-Kitties. They're like people, only with fur and fangs. And littler.

-My sister. I know this is another one of those generic bullshit things that fucking everyone puts in here, but we really are best friends and effectively share a brain.

-Alone time. I need to be able to decompress away from people sometimes.

-My camera. It gives me something to do.

You don't want to know. Hell, even I don't want to know, and I have to spend all day in my head.

Working. Ah, Target. The reason I went to college.

If I'm not working, I'm likely at home, reading and drinking tea. I'm ultra-poor, so I can't afford to actually go out and do things, even if I wanted to.

I sometimes wish I was a boy. And by "sometimes" I mean "much more often than I appreciate being a girl."

First and foremost, you should only message me if you know the difference between their/there/they're, to/too/two, your/you're, and it/it's. I'm sorry, but I'm not interested in stupid people.

You should message me if you are a pale, scrawny, nerdy, kinda faggy boy. No, I'm serious. I love gay boys, or bi boys (remember how I said I was a gay boy trapped in a girl's body?). This isn't to say that I don't like straight guys, it's just that I rarely get along with them. Queer-ish boys tend to be much more polite, more open-minded, cleaner, and funnier. I mean, if you're one of those guys who is absolutely opposed to the idea of having sex with another guy, but still meets all the other criteria, you can try messaging, but don't get your hopes up.

And I'm going to come right out and say this: I'm shallow. I have pretty specific standards when it comes to physical appearance in men. I LOVE skinny guys. And I don't mean guys who just aren't fat. I'm talking scrawny, bony, emaciated, willowy-thin guys. And pale. Pale is good.

Lastly, you should be a nerd. Why? Because nerds are awesome, that's why. And if you're not a nerd, you're probably not going to understand my jokes and won't appreciate my stunning displays of sarcasm and humor. But I DON'T want the socially awkward type of nerd. I want you to be the type of nerd who yes, plays D&D some, but isn't going to try and tell me about your character. You should be able to fix my computer, but don't try and talk me into running the latest Linux distro. You should have a periodic table hanging in your bedroom, because I do.

Tattoos, piercings are a plus, as long as they're artfully done and tasteful.

THINGS I HATE: Fat guys, beards, excessive body hair (seriously, wax that stuff), really bad acne, sports, baseball hats, and beer. IF YOU HAVE A PICTURE IN YOUR PROFILE OF YOU HOLDING A BEER, DON'T EVEN CONSIDER MESSAGING.

BUT

My pseudo-bitchiness doesn't apply if you're a girl. Really, most of that is up there to cut down on the douchebaggery. If you're a girl, as long as you think we share some interests, go ahead and message. I'm one of those rare bisexual girls that actually is bisexual. The problem is that I turn into a giant puddle of nervousness around girls I like in real life and can never get the balls to even say hi (this does, unfortunately, mean that I haven't quite figured out yet what sort of physical traits I'm attracted to when it comes to girls). So, please, message.

Editors

• Tomfooolery