Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
Currently rumored to be "the Paz de la Huerta of American
I am decibels, craftsmanship, and disobedience.
Doesn't Drive. Sneaky, but not creepy. Just useful.
Artists who can't tell the difference between themselves &
their art run the high risk of being a-holes because you get into a
headspace where being an Artist is your excuse for being alive,
which implies that you need an excuse for being alive.
Which you don't. So then we're down the rabbit hole of constantly
needing validation for something you used to do for joy. And then
This song describes my entire life to the degree where I find it
painful to even think about:
Look out! I'm just too fake for the world, I know
It's just a game to me, I'm just too fake, you see
I wish I didn't have to be
watch out! I've got too much soul for the world
It's breaking my heart in two, I've got too much soul for you
I don't like it but it's true
It's really pretty when you listen to it. But it is applicable to a
weird degree. I fake it so real I'm beyond fake, and I also go too
far the other way.
...Yeah, that's a valid take. Print.
Wait, this too. Maybe more than anything:
...And my hopes are weapons that I’m still learning how to use
but they’re heavy and I’m awkward
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
I write A) about television for money, and B) novels and short
stories for some other reason. Maybe you have heard of A* but you
haven't heard of B. Yet.
* (There is a site called Something W/O Pity, for which I have been
a staff writer for approx seventeen hundred years. There's a guy
named Jacob who is kind of me, but not really me.
If you think he's cool we will get along. I like him too, he's
If not, it's entirely possible we still will get along.) There are
twenty Jacobs and you're likely to hate at least one of them, but
none of them is actually me. I'm saving that for the boy who's the
one. Meanwhile did I mention how cute you are? Because you're just
Otherwise, it's things like this
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
"...Four tiny rings in his right ear leaned against the wall of
the armory, holding his dog on a leash, a sign hanging from his
"PLEASE FEEL FREE TO PET MY DOG. IT MAY MAKE YOU FEEL
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
My sense of entitlement. My obsession with diagnosing strangers;
particularity about etiquette. What I'm told is the gift of humor.
My hatred of karaoke, pool, bowling.
Constant threats of violence but no real action. Ability to bring
The OC into any conversation you've got. The constant drinking and
chain-smoking. You think I'm funny but I'm not that funny; you
think I'm cute but I'm not that cute.
I spent the last fifteen years on how cute I am. I'm not that cute,
and I'm not too interested in selling on that currency anymore. I
am often fat, my weight varies by about 100 pounds, and I don't
actually give much of a damn about that. It's a whole teenage
hustler deal and it involves extensive social networks so whatever
you think you can add to my lifestyle? I've got six of those, so
really I want somebody who covers multiple bases. I need you to be
Olympic-level at something, I don't care what it is. Just be
driven. That is all.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
A Canadian cowboy, a ninja, a private eye, a secret agent, a
bootlegger, a mercenary, a bodyguard, a caveman, a victim of the
Holocaust, a Vietnam vet, a World War II vet, a corrupt cop, and a
lumberjack. Also, raised by wolves; raised by native Canadians; the
reincarnation of a warrior from a race of humanoid dog people; he
was at Hiroshima when the bomb fell, and he's saddled with five
children. One died in utero, one is an evil clone.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
Television demographics and production; avoiding writing; prison
recidivism; the future is always better than the past; celebrity
babies; giant babies on Maury Povich; astrology is bullshit yet
always right; believing everything and knowing everything is a lie;
being angry but not so angry that you overlook what's important or
make it about you. All activism dies in the moment of the
Teenagers with guns, in school uniforms, setting everything on
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Finishing up a deadline or spreadsheet or whatever before they
start bugging me to party; dressing kids up like historical
figures; performing an ad-libbed one-man show about the last days
of Kitty Genovese, King Ferdinand, or Brandon Flowers' questionable
sexual ethics; making friends with yet one more black bisexual
feminist playwright; explaining to some poor dude how it's gonna be
when we're married.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I'm a real good sex person! I do it all the different
But honestly, it's that I'm really into guys that are poly,
atheist/pagan; generally all those kinky geek gamers that quote
Monty Python nonstop and think Terry Pratchett is funny.
Which bites, because I am none of those things. But you know
the ones. And hopefully you are one.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
You lack discernment. If you know that what's most important about
you is not that simple. If you understand that being smart is
handed to us, but being good is handed to nobody. If you want to be
a superhero as badly as you should.
If you are a Sagittarius with an IQ in the 150+ range and possess
the other half of this golden amulet.
Who are you looking for?
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