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48 Oakland, CA Man


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I’m looking for

  • Women
  • Ages 28-55
  • Located anywhere
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating

My details

Last online
Today – 1:42am
Relationship Type
Strictly non-monogamous
5' 10" (1.78m)
Body Type
Agnosticism and it’s important
Doesn’t have kids and doesn’t want them
English (Fluently)
My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
I'm kind, literate, considered, considerate. I laugh well and make it my mission to make sure everyone around me is having a good time. When I meet someone, I want to find out what is uniquely interesting and/or delightful about them. It's not that I don't notice your negatives - it's that I appreciate the package deal that you likely are.

For me, intelligence is the best aphrodisiac, as long as it's served with a playful sense of humor on the side. Stimulating conversation sprinkled with flirtatious banter leading to, well, you have an imagination, don't you?

I am now twice-divorced, which is to say that I'm not afraid of commitment, but also that I'm a bit skittish about my own judgement in this area, considering my track record. It's not that I don't learn from my mistakes; I just want to make *different* ones the next few times. You can help me with that, right?

I like being in my 40's and being "seasoned." I'm confounding people who thought they knew me because I'm still evolving.

More about my background: Having been raised as a conservative Jehovah's Witness, I woke up and became a devout agnostic, spending my mid-20's waiting tables in semi-exotic locales like Hawaii, Las Vegas, and Washington D.C., before settling into an IT career here in the San Francisco Bay area in '95. Probably to spite my repressed religious upbringing, I walk comfortably in many of the "alternative" scenes that San Francisco has to offer, know lots of people in them, and can jump into just about any rabbit hole with an eye towards learning what lies through the looking glass. From burners to sybarites, I mix well (and have friends in) nearly every crowd. Well, except gangsta rappers. But give me time...

Other relevant facts:

I'm an extrovert who understands why introverts might not want to join me for all the social events that come along. (And all the better if there are themes and costumes involved at those events :-) Speaking of Myers-Briggs, I am an ENTP, with a well-developed F side (my parents were incredibly gregarious feeling-types, and I learned social cues by watching them work a room)

I love quiet weekends working on projects punctuated by dinner with friends, but I'm also good for a spontaneous and decadent adventure when the mood strikes.

Just left-of-center politically, I am always interested in learning about possible solutions to make the world a better place.

The price for leaving the cult that I grew up in was losing all the family and friends I had up to that point at age 22. That makes me extra-appreciative of the circles of very different but equally valuable friends I've been lucky to become entwined with since then and I am secretly more proud of that than anything else in my life. I know this is the second time I've mentioned "friends" in this profile but I wish I could highlight them here in the way some people list their favorite bands or writers because that's the impact they've had on my life for the better.

I've recently finally found my body/mind/spirit balance. I used to run but never got the runner's high. Then I recently discovered exercise needed to be social for me and found three people to do strength training and cardio with (and a change of diet helped too.) And a necessary spiritual (not religious) "rebalancing" that completed that centering.

I believe card games are best played as a prelude to sex, because no matter how many times I may see you naked, it'll never be quite as sweet as when I win that tawdry hand of strip gin rummy and you have to take an article of clothing off to satisfy the bet.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
As an independent person who straddles the line between clean-cut IT professional and bohemian adventurer, I'm always looking for that elusive course that will lead me to greater fulfillment. I'm very interested in the idea of intentional community - how we build it and support it, and think the old models could use a refresh. Therefore, it may soon be time to sell my house and attempt my dream, which is to help build a cohousing community, and to participate in living there. (Go on - wikipedia it.)
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Creating fun out of thin air.

Giving you permission to do what you secretly want to try.

Making you feel safe when you try that thing.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
My sizable frontal lobe. Then those eyes.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
I'm a voracious reader of non-fiction (NYT, The Week Magazine, Wired), and enjoy some of that HBO cleverness. I miss Jon Stewart already.

I'm addicted to podcasts (RadioLab, This American Life, etc) mainly because I love hearing articulate discussion about issues important and frivolous.

The most useful and spiritually-satisfying book I have ever read (and re-read) was The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck.

Movies are such a commitment of time so I try to see them only if critics I respect liked it, and then love going back to read (or re-read) the reviews after I see the film.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
intimate connection
supportive community
constructive criticism
coffee with lots of clouds
courtesy and kindness
my comfy bed built for sharing
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
Deep friendship versus infatuative romance - the latter is best when it's an overlay to the former. I'm always looking for the better combination of nutrients and light that can make relationships (both friendships and romance) truly thrive instead of bloom-and-fade. This requires a lot of soul-searching and radical honesty with myself to see where my choices hurt instead of helped and I'm excellent at accepting constructive criticism if it comes from love. **Recent personal lesson: incorporating "How would my partner feel about this choice?" into the decision-making process leads to much better judgement calls than "this is my negotiated right so I'm doing it" ever does. Seems obvious but I'd lost my way on that and it led me to look at other areas of my life that were also not truly helping me be the person I want to be.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
... never, ever bored.

That might mean a night on the town or slipping into bed with a remote or a book, but I mean it: if I'm on my own time, I am never, ever bored. I am self-entertaining, and always interested in something.

This means I wouldn't mind living forever. Since I can't say anymore if there is or isn't a god or an after-life, this is unlikely, unless Kurzweil is right and the Singularity is coming about the time my generation is hitting the nursing home. (Go on - google it)
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I believe monogamy is not a realistic concept for many (including me), so I prefer an open negotiation. I'm not sure I think marriage should be forever, since people live so long now, evolving and changing, but perhaps a five-year renewable contract to keep us from getting too lazy and too comfortable? I've long felt polyamorous and there's finally a label for my subset: "relationship anarchy," which is the only kind of anarchy I can get behind. (You can read more about that if you like and tell me what you think: and this for why it may be useful to you no matter what style of loving you choose: ). Nonetheless, I've recently decided that I would be open to a primary relationship again with the right partner for a period of time to build the trust and security that is required as a foundation for a more egalitarian arrangement. I don't advocate for "no rules"; I'm for considered agreements that support our best natures rather than our worst. I do believe the heart expands and I'm not the jealous type, but I'm still working out the only-so-much-time-in-the-day thing. Do we really need all the time? Or would less time mean more of it feels like a gift? Pondering that one. Stay tuned.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
If you are brilliant and compellingly unconventional, introduce yourself. If my profile resonates for you, then yes too, but explain why it does so I know.

You know a similarity of tastes (in food, entertainment, and art) is not nearly as important as a compatibility of values and character in making choices about connecting with people. (Hint: Match quotient should probably be high really high with lots of questions and, if not high, put in the allowed explanations to tell me why the sometimes too binary answer did not fit for you. You'll see. It can really help!) In fact, I'm often most interested in reading "The Two of Us" section than I am the main profile, which is really about how well-spoken you are for me.

I think the "Like" feature is the virtual equivalent of eyes meeting and brightening across a crowded room. I won't contact you with a thoughtfully written introduction unless we have mutually "Liked" each other. (And I won't "Like" you unless I've thoroughly reviewed your profile to make sure I think we might be a match. Please do the same before you "Like" me.)

You know that starting with a topic about an idea is a better introduction than "I think you're cool".

You think I'm cool.