Needed some time  and some skiing to get it back. When I have fallen trying to chase the group of evidently better skiers  I got depressed. Then I reminded myself that the year before I could not keep with them at all and I have started to cheer up. Proper distance to myself is a clue. I tend to  want too much.  But I take my falls bravely.

Also some nice cards and messages and phones helped... Thank all my friends...

And that I am objectively absolutely happy ( cross my fingers to keep that for a time!!!!). Subjectively also except of rare moments when I loose this healthy distance to myself... As this winter.... Not deep though... ANd it is over... For a time...

Actually I am reasonably happy.

In total the last year have brought very mixed load of events, many of them also exposing  in very painful way my own mortality and loneliness. No I am neither unhappy nor scared.  But I have almost lost my two dearest from the higher generation , they have been both threatened with death or debilitating physical disability, they both escaped with a very thin margin. I am very happy to have them longer and not disabled, but it reminds me of the clock ticking, ticking. My dearest friends  here lost their only daughter who was also my friend, 26 beautiful, gifted but also cursed with her own inner tensions. So much beauty gone, so much promises unfulfilled, so many people hurt, some of them very deeply. It also reminds of mortality and  of a tick tack of the life clock. Lost one friend once very dear to her bitterness, she refuses to contact, offended by me. Pity.  I did not mean to offend her, but I have to submit. Again tic tac....

There are positives too, thanks heaven for them.

My son is happily married and he have already printed his doctoral thesis, defense 25'th of January.  They moved away in March and they are happy. They both like to come here for a dinner though we have been living together for more than 2 years.  And I realy love her too, not only my son. Nice.

There is some chance for grandkids within a few years too, they have it in their plans and hopefully it is still plenty of time.

Still working the work I love - programming. I like both m bosses and they are really clever. The work I do is appreciated enough and sort of funny. The work place is nearby and very nice to be in.

Still can sport, back can stand a few hours on a horseback, skiing is at it's top still...

Made a few friends. Went through broken heart procedure, permanent optimist in intimate relations, but he was soooooo intelligent. Yes at my age it is a positive thing to happen, though certainly painful. You cannot have an omelet... Seeking partner for fun farther, not for short fun though. Seeking is fun in itself only skin is getting thicker, especially on a serious dating site and especially with Dutchmen.

I hope that the starting year would be more merciful in bad, but the chance of loosing my shaky elders is not pleasant at all whenever it would decide to happen and however merciful it would be. I hope this budding year would stay as generous  in goodies or even more ( a warm sweet lover nearby?) as his mixed predecestor 2009.

 

Started serious preparations to meet the reality. 

Altogether the week was rather easy one on me, good things happen, bad things didn't, so nothing to complain about. Even the ride today was good, though in the manege.

At work lots of fun. Coming back from nightmare of C++, combined with the disaster of VB  into C#. What a relief. Not for long, though, VB would call me again.

In general - the less I expect the more serene I stay.

But still I would love to cut out some extra love from life. A bit lateish, so what? Or at least to add some daydream to my lonely reality.

Last times real life is so loaded with different events. Some extremely sad. I don't feel like sharing them here.  So I would try something cheerful.

Last time I have won a pair tournament in my bridge club with the partner I have never played with before. She is good. So am I. Fun.

... ride was good. Monday more fruitful at work than usually. Old friend called. New friend have written. Linden trees are blooming, filling my house with sweet smell of happines. Tomorrow kids are coming. Decided what to cook.

F
U
N

Too much reminders now. Of death and of ageing. Relatives sick. Visitting friends in pain. Rather sad age. And still so much joy to try to achieve...

isn't it?

But mostly it is a fun to be alive.

 

I don't understand much from German, but I understand Dutch quite well. I like songs of German romantics, usually sang in German. I have got a cd with Schuman's songs, but in translation to Dutch. Funny, but I resented understanding text. It disturbed my usual way of perception of these so familiar songs. The same music. Different perception. Or may be I did not like a baritone. Would have to listen to it several times more.
Funny, because this was the kind of perception intended by Schuman.

... when I have slept enough at night....