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40 M Oakland, CA

I’m looking for

  • Girls who like guys
  • Ages 28–42
  • Near me
  • Who are single
  • For long-term dating, short-term dating, casual sex

My Details

Last Online
Yesterday – 10:17pm
5′ 8″ (1.73m)
Body Type
Mostly anything
Judaism, and very serious about it
Virgo, but it doesn’t matter
Graduated from masters program
Relationship Status
Relationship Type
Has kids, and wants more
Likes dogs and has cats
English (Fluently), Hebrew (Okay), Spanish (Poorly)

Similar Users

My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
"Human souls are irresistible. When we can truly see another human soul, we can't help but fall in love." -- Miki Kashtan

Hi there. :-)

I don't make idle promises, because I treat promises as sacred vows. However, I'll wager this: I promise that my capacity for love is greater than that of almost anybody you’ve ever met.

Keep reading...?

My style in life has always been to dive into the deep end and then learn to swim. I haven't drowned yet, and have learned that if asphyxiation doesn't kill me, my fear of it certainly won't.

I'm irreverent and iconoclastic; I'm skeptical of the party line not because it's cool to buck the trends, but because I have a good reason or haven't yet figured out what question nobody is asking.

I'm a big Jew. Are Jew?

When I don't know something, I try to admit it. That said, I am proud of my smarts, for I have worked really hard to be intelligent, articulate, and empathetic. Mostly because of all the times I discovered I was not those things.

One of my mottoes is that I'll try anything twice. After all, maybe I was wrong the first time.

I've done a shit-ton of healing work for the last 15 years in multiple modalities -- half a dozen types of psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, meditation, medication, 12-step, and some woo-woo Berkeleyesque New Agey stuff that rocks the house. I'm proud of how far I've come, and have so much more to learn.

I recognize that I'm not a victim anymore. It's one of the most liberating epiphanies I've ever had.

"Don't try to open your heart. Recognize that your heart is already open." --Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche

I try to put myself out there. I recognize that I am toeing the edge of a cliff, and that I will fall and get hurt. And then I will climb back up and do it again, and it's so totally worth it! Wanna climb some emotions with me? It's no fun to do it alone.

The goal of my spiritual journey is not to transcend illusory reality, but to adore it. After all, no matter how enlightened I get, I’m stuck in this skin for now, and there's always more good work to be done.

Pema Chodron -- any questions?

I recently started a practice of going on Negativity Fasts: for 10 days, I try not to gossip or speak cynically or disparagingly about anything or anyone. This usually turns out much like the time I tried abstaining from onanism when I was 13: if at first you don't succeed... Except that, when I was 13, I decided not to try again.

I always keep fresh flowers on my dining room table.

I make lemonade out of lemons.

I say "poopie" with above average frequency.

I like to read poetry aloud in bed. Preferably not to myself.

I'll drive you to the airport at romantic hours like 5 a.m., and give you killer back rubs, though not simultaneously.

If I have a dollar, I give it to the next homeless person I see. If I have change, I stick it in the tip jar.

A poet pointed out that SCARED is an anagram of SACRED.

I’m proactive, solutions-oriented. I’m hoping that if I’m ever diagnosed with a terminal disease, or crippled permanently in an accident, I’ll still be able to face every day of my life with equanimity and gratitude for what I have now, and for what I used to have in the past that allowed me to experience all the potential of living. "I am dying fully in touch with loving life, and yet, also, fully accepting death." -- Inbal Kashtan, z''l

I dish out bonus life points to people when they use 11-point Boggle words.

I try to recognize that my feelings are my own; nobody else caused them to exist. So too, my judgements are my own, and they are by nature neither right nor wrong. I try to "stay on my side of the street," i.e. hold only myself accountable for these arisings, take ownership, take responsibility. Sometimes I'm wildly successful. Sometimes I'm not. Oh, you too? Cool, another human being! Let's get together!

I eat avocados out of the skin with a spoon and salt.


I try not to look at my iPhone obsessively when I'm idle. I once almost dropped it in a urinal; that was an important, & potentially expensive, lesson in mindfulness.

I like to say that life is full of high-quality problems. That's the sign that things are overall going right.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty." -Reginald Mansell

Smiling at strangers on the BART; hoping that someone asks me for directions so I can be of help; trying not to fart in small enclosed spaces when there's a chance someone else might walk in; practicing celebration and compassion not just every day, but every moment: compassion for others, and for myself.

When I'm in a shitty mood, I go buy a cookie for myself... and for the person in line behind me. This never fails to put me, and at least one other person, in a better mood. (Plus, I get a cookie.)

Full disclosure: I've been pursuing a divorce for two years (!) and the timeline is at the mercy of intransigent lawyers with no incentive to hurry themselves. Hopefully it'll be done before 2015 hits. OKC doesn't have a "Separated" relationship status category.

I have 50% custody of two beautiful six-year-olds. Whether you deem that a benefit or liability is up to you; obviously, only the former will open the way to a potential long-term relationship. Personally, I consider them a benefit, but I realize I’m hopelessly biased.

I’m a Big Jew™. I was raised Conservadox but rebelled, and am now a radical neo-hippie East Bay Renewal type. But I'm still fraught with Jewish ambivalence, and the search for integration may preoccupy me all my life. How will this manifest in my Next Big Relationship? Not sure; I can say that I'm strongly partial to dating Jewish women and Judeophiles. But it behooves me, as someone who aspires to Peace Amongst All Humankind within the next seven generations, to be open to interreligious, interethnic partnerships -- if I can't walk the walk, how could I hope anyone else can? How could I truly hope for peace in the Middle East? If this doesn't scare you away yet, please read my "You should message me if" section at the bottom of this page.

I'm a breeder. I've wanted to be a father all my life. I have two children and I want more. If this paragraph has turned you on, you should just message me immediately, don't pass Go don't collect $200, so we can negotiate transacting business together.

I’m the laziest entrepreneur you’ve ever met. I used to work the 80-hour weeks… No more! Life is with people. Let's keep it that way.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Communicating. NO, REALLY!!!! I’ve been studying Non-Violent Communication for years, and go to a monthly practice group to keep up my chops — not just to be a better lover but a better person; to bring my vision of a better world closer to reality. I use this in every relationship I have, both personal and professional, to clarify my own needs to myself and others, and to help others clarify their needs to themselves and me. I could talk for days about this stuff.

Besides that, I've noticed that I can get good at anything that I decide is worth spending time on. I'm a very, very quick study. Otherwise, I'm probably bad at it, but I don't care and might not even know because I don't spend time finding out. Like, for example, tennis -- I have no desire to learn tennis so I don't care that I suck at it -- but in that case, c.f. above where I will try anything twice.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
My smile and my sense of humor that just won't die. I think they might also notice my butt but I'm always facing the wrong way to tell.

Hopefully those are the last things they consciously notice, because I have so actively engaged with them that they stop noticing their noticing. Otherwise, it's probably not going to be a fun date for either of us.

"You don't stop laughing when you grow old. You grow old when you stop laughing." --my uncle, of blessed memory
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
Fuck the “six things” trope — I find it kinda trite and unhelpful. Let’s talk about sex instead. It's on everybody's mind, after all, whether or not they admit it.

I’m a sensualist. I'm into the energy of sexuality, not just the orgasm. I could just kiss for hours, or even smell you, if that seems like the quickest way to epiphany. Sometimes I actually get disappointed if I don't have enough time to admire and delight in how you look in clothing. That said, let's not dissemble some kind of neo-Puritanism: my disappointment at taking your clothes off would be so fleeting you'd need a goddamn particle accelerator the size of Eurasia to even hypothesize that it may have existed.

I'm into the slow simmer, with occasional gasoline thrown on the flames. Explosion; cackle gleefully; repeat.

I can do kinky, vanilla-y, toppy, bottomy, missionary, doggie, upside-down-monkey-suity… whatever; and I am eager to keep exploring with you whenever we want to freshen things up. I have a toy box I call Pandora; and yet, the best sex I ever had was in a vanilla, monogamous relationship, because deep intimacy and love and trust were present.

The forms of sex we have are less important than one thing: that it is deeply loving, intimate, communicative, and vulnerable. Once we have that, let’s fuck until our melted brains ooze from our ears and form the biggest stain yet on the sheets... but...

... Probably not on the first date, unless we're both clearly not seeking a long-term thing together. Actually, probably not on the first few dates. For long-term relationships, I have learned the hard way that getting physical early on confuses the heck out of everything. So, I will be reserving my hands and building the tension deliciously, and using the opportunity to get to know you seriously. And then... going home... and masturbating...
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
How to run my business according to my principles and vision for how the world should be, not just according to the profit motive.

Is AD(H)D not a dirty clinical pathology, but a manifestation of how contemporary Americans experience perpetual, miraculous, "divine" abundance and curiosity at every moment?

Is there actually a hierarchy of human needs (c.f. Maslow) or is it flat, or constantly rearranging itself, and what are the implications for human aspiration and decision-making? When is a relationship worth "sacrifice," i.e. ostensibly putting some of one's own needs on hold in favor of relationship-based needs?

Past a certain point, is it really so critical to understand the psychological genesis of the feelings of the moment, or is it more useful to turn my focus to nurturing myself for the potential of the future? Phrased another way: Is it really all that important for me to tell a therapist about my mother?

Is depression a culturally-maligned but extremely useful spiritual experience of emptying out to make room for the new, or for the divine (i.e. that which is older than old), or both, or are they the same thing? Wow that one sounded deep, you really should message me now.

How amazing it is that I am finally, blessedly, gratefully, almost-perpetually happy with my life, with merely brief blips of malaise that I know will pass very soon.

How I should be paying attention to my children, or getting enough sleep, instead of seeing who visited my OKC profile (hello there!).
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
- Practicing piano and/or guitar and/or singing
- Going to some Jewy event
- Going to a show
- Putting my kids to bed
- Washing the dishes
- Errrrrr, apparently trolling OKCupid, hi

... or any of the above!
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
Erica Jong once publicly humiliated me in a crowded Seattle auditorium. I might have deserved it.

I love Billy Joel. I love love love Billy Joel... I LURV Billy Joel. Don't tell my friends, only my mom knows and she loves him too.

Actually, I am willing to admit anything and everything. I'm an open book. Hell, I welcome getting to know you cuz it'll help me get to know myself, if awkwardly.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
☞ You can make me laugh. Go ahead, give it a shot!

☞ This resonates with you: Three Harsh Truths About Love

☞ It's okay with you that it might take a few weeks for our schedules to synchronize initially. Once things look like they're going past a first date or two, however, I will prioritize you; I don't ever want to be accused of not being a gentleman.

“Remember that real love continuously and consistently makes your life better. Settle for nothing less." -- Susan J. Elliott

Please read a few words about the Jew thing: My Jewish identity is critical to me. Although my personal daily spiritual practices are primarily Buddhistic and mystical, Jewishness is vital to me for community, lifecycle, song, dance and, well, food. My family is mostly Israeli; I have many Holocaust survivors in my immediate provenance; I was raised semi-traditionally (though I've rebelled); my kids go to a Jewish school; &c. If you're not Jewish, this doesn't mean I need you to convert; it does mean that lack of strong spiritual and community correspondences, and lack of deep willingness to faithfully support each other's spiritual paths, will probably be a fast dealbreaker. For example (commence future-tripping):

✡ Would you enjoy hosting a community Shabbat ritual and potluck at our family's home once a month, where songs and prayers would be in a language whose written letters you can't even pronounce... or would this be an annoying burden that you'd be doing just for holding a relationship together?

✡ If I spoke to our children in Hebrew, would you feel their lives and brains were being enriched, or estranged from you? Even if I lovingly translated for you as much as I could, would you feel resentful and marginalized?

"Avoid 'shoulding' on others and yourself." -- Marshall Rosenberg

I don't know who you are, but I'm certain that once I find out, I will see that you are wonderful. Even if we're not the right fit, which I'll admit when I figure it out.

If I fall in love with you, I am certain I will forever, irreparably raise your bar for what constitutes a satisfying relationship.

Try me.