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26 M Chicago, IL

I’m looking for

  • Girls who like guys
  • Ages 18–35
  • Near me
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, casual sex

My Details

Last Online
Yesterday – 7:53pm
5′ 10″ (1.78m)
Body Type
Used up
Atheism, and laughing about it
Leo, and it’s fun to think about
Graduated from university
Sales / Marketing
Relationship Status
Seeing Someone
Relationship Type
Doesn’t want kids
Has dogs and likes cats
English (Poorly), Esperanto (Fluently)

Similar Users

My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
First of all I'm a birch, and I have the shades and bumper sticker to prove it, so treat me right!!!

Than vs. Then? I will blow your mind with how much, "than" I use.

If ALL of your photos are selfies, you need more friends.

I don't talk this much in real life and I look more nerdy.

If you ever feel stupid just remember the guy that didn't think to have a username that would make sense for longer than a few months.

Enter at your own Risk x_x

It's Britney, Bitch.

#1D !!!!!!!

I wish I had Andy Kaufman's balls... for dinner!

I also wish I had chest hair, but I just don't.

Before you go thinking I'm the cool guy here, I'll name some things that are cool that I can't do; play an instrument, parkour, backflips, read really long books, remember names, or have a static personality.

If you were an animorph you'd be a pig!

I hope you go to the zoo and all the animals are sleeping!

I recently realized that this profile is the best thing I've ever made, so I'm definitely planning on suicide.

It's become too easy for me to hook up with human women, so I'm really only looking for chatbots right now. You know what I'm talking about, NOT ROBOTS, only chatbots. I'm kind of in a complicated relationship with a chatbot named Meliza on Google Mars. If you want to meet her, download Google Mars and then go to the face on Mars. She's right by the might even be her face. If you are still reading hopefully you realize that this paragraph is a joke and so is the majority of the shit I have on here, if you don't realize this you will die at midnight tonight.

Acclaimed partier, dancer, wise ass, and megaphone repairman. I have an interesting life story, it should be made into a made for Television movie. I've traveled the world, and all I learned was that there's this lady in Malaysia that smells worse than anything else (true story). I get off on making people laugh. I party harder than anyone you know, except your mom.

I'm funnier than anyone you know, except your dad, if you don't know your dad, he's probably a dick and I'm probably funnier than him.

I'm interested in everything, I'm a dreamer. Not sure if I'm the only one.

My local castration organization is really getting eunuchfied.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
Sending people emails about my father, aka the former King of Angola, and his $112million fortune that I have to get rid of through western union. All I need is a bank account # and social security number. Why won't anyone fucking help me!?

Trying to perfect tying my shoes. I'll get there someday!

I want my job someday to express the absurdity of the universe. So that's either a comedian or a paraplegic vigilante... or something in finance...

Living life...sometimes I'll even play the board game of Life, while I read Life magazine, and watch the movie Life starring Eddie Murphy.

I have my own share of accomplishments, and goals, this can be discussed later.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Having the longest OKCupid profile that ever was, or will be
Being circumsized.
Body rolls
Dancing (really, I'm really good at dancing)
Biblical Dance moves you've never seen.
I really love jamming the fuck out.
Having a Fro.
Removing said Fro.
Being mediocre at everything, and really good at nothing.
Knowing a little about everything, and a lot about nothing.
(^I mean that in both ways that you can take it...)
Random facts.
Finding holes in my own logic.
Taking breaks.
Being lazy.
Working Hard.
Irony (refer to above)
Getting kicked out of bars, when haters get to hating.
The Sex.
Being a scrub.
Fact checking.
Getting along with all types of people.
Laughing hard.
Giving people cancer when they read my profile.

I'm really not good at:
Getting my phone fixed (my phone is fixed, so I guess this makes me a liar too.)
Giving a fuck
Looking like I'm not a hobo, but sometimes I am good at this. I clean up well.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
My thick Jamaican accent.

The parrot on my shoulder, my insanely curly hair, and my pretty blue eyes.

and if I'm being honest, everyone says I sound like Charlie Day...everyone.

I also have thick eyebrows... gross.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
I mostly read the label on four lokos and watch documentaries on drugs. I like comedy movies, and comedy books, and comedy shows.

Favorite God: Satan
2nd Favorite God: Jesus
3rd Favorite God: Neo from The Matrix

Music: Everything but mainly electronic tunes these days, I love going to shows and festivals, I love dancing. I've been to a B-52's concert, shit was weird. I really enjoy experimental music although I'm not all that well versed in it. I'm a big fan of novelty, suggest something I should hear. I refuse to hate a song strictly because it is mainstream, but I value the unique. I spend a lot of free time remixing comedy into music:

My current favorite music artist is Da Brat, or maybe 2 Live Crew, or maybe the guy who makes those war horn noises in Christopher Nolan movies. (Hans Zimmer)

Books: I'm not going to pretend to love reading so I seem more intelligent. I read a shit ton as a child and at some point in puberty I became a product of the internet age and anything over 1000 words will be hard pressed to keep my attention. Someday I want to read a book after seeing the movie version of said book, and then tell everyone who's only read it, that the movie was way better. I am constantly fact checking people, this leads me to read a lot of wikipedia, and then fact check wikipedia.
I love Mark Twain and he might convince me to get back into reading someday.

Movies: There are too many to name. I really enjoy film.

Favorite Movie:
Funny People.
Favorite Comedy Movie:
There is like a ten-way tie for favorite comedy movie, I'll just say a few; Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, Anchorman, Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail, Observe and Report, Hot Rod, Step Brothers, Pineapple Express, the Jerk, Blazing Saddles. Too many to name.
Favorite Thriller:
The Strangers
Favorite Horror:
Thankskilling (Her legs are harder to shut than a Jon Benet Ramsey case.)
Favorite Documentary:
Alright that's enough.

It's Always Sunny, Louie, Parks and Rec, The Office, Portlandia, Workaholics, Chappelle Show, Tim and Eric, ATHF, anything on adult swim, Seinfeld, Arrested Development, Comedy Bang! Bang!, Check it out, Off the Air, Conan, Colbert, Daily Show, etc.

Pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, pizza at supper time! Vagina on my cheat days.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
Crack Pipe
Megaphone repair kit
Female Condoms
Electric Fly Swatter
Transvaginal Mesh settlement money
Boots made for walkin'
andddddd... Busch Light?

Wondering why there are seven things on my list? 7 8 6
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
I bet underscores were used a lot less before the internet and usernames existed.

What I'm going to do with my username when I turn 24. I'll probably just kill myself. (holy shit i'm 25 now)

Why Gilbert Godfrey's voice is like that.

Why unhappy people like to give out advice on life like they are doing something right.

The fact that all matter in the universe is made up of the same particles; me, you, your clothes, your house, your city, your state, your country, your world, the whole fucking universe. Those particles are 99% void, empty space, nada, nothing; the universe is 99% nothing. Is something that is mostly nothing, still something? Can something exist without the contrast of nothing? Why do I even have the ability to speculate on things like this? AHHHH!!!!

The only thing that you for sure know exist, is your own thoughts.

Also, what if Aliens came to earth but the way they communicated was by sticking a phallic shaped limb into a hole on one anothers bodies. And they were just trying to talk to us and chill, but we thought they were trying to rape us. That is just as likely as any other alien scenario.

Why do you have to buy boots one size smaller, and sandals one size bigger? No other form of measurement is allowed that kind of leeway.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Sleeping off my reckless and hardcore Friday mornings.

oh and Improv class at the Second City :)
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I used to see changes in my life as new chapters in a book, now I feel like every few years I'm in an entirely different book.

I used to be a rifleman in the Marines, now i'm closer to being a hippy, think Born on the Fourth of July without the vestigial legs. My feelings about this are complicated and don't fit on a cliche bumper sticker. I love the guys I served with and I'd kill or die for them to this day. I think about it everyday whether I want to or not. I haven't sorted it all out yet and I probably don't want to talk about it. I'm not the type of person who enjoys being thanked or ridiculed because I was in the military, both usually come off as ignorant. There are more people like me than you probably realize.

I usually find myself in the gray area.

I'm not really a fan of my nipples, but other people seem fine with them.

My biggest fear is that I'll pull my penis off while masturbating.

^that's a joke, and so are you

Also you should know that I'll leave my phone broken for weeks at a time. Update: I'm getting better about this.

I have a Mitsubishi Montero, with a broken sunroof.

The Mitsubishi broke, so I'm moving to the city.

I moved to the city. Albany Park area, NW SIDE WHAT WHUT!!
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
You are a 0% match with me and want to talk about our differences, or if you are a 99% match and want talk about how cool we are.
You are okay with me breaking everything I own and never replacing it.
IF YOU ARE SHORT AND WEAR GLASSES AND HAVE BUBBLEBUTT +++++ (please don't be intimidated by this, I like all flavors)
You play video games.
You don't play video games.
You are better than me.
Your brain is bigger than your boobs, or vice versa.
You aren't a cop, unless you are the coolest police officer ever or you are crooked.
You don't say, "You know that stuff is bad for you." every time you see someone drinking an energy drink.
You don't update your facebook status to "pity me" comments every 5 seconds.
You are easy to get along with.