.... you have a thing for cool dapper nerds ... ummmm .... but
without being weird or creepy about it! ...
.... you want to meet a younger, more urbane version of this guy
... also if you are smart,
but not peda ...... uh ... well....
you know what I mean, Little Miss Smartypants!
...... ummm ....
oh, also snarky, hipster-ish, rocker-ish, nerd-ish, punk-ish,
crafty(literally AND figuratively), affectionate, erudite,
stylish(in your own way), serene, engaging, together, graceful(on
the inside if not on the outside). You are more Muse than Fury,
.... more "kick ass" than "punch in the gut". You want to teach me,
and introduce me to fun, rad, dorky and amazing things. You can
tolerate, if not embrace, my quixotic geekery. You don't mind, and
are worthy of, being worshiped. ... You have what it takes to step
up and engage.
Deal Breakers: No dirty hippies, Moonies, carnival chicks, or
Juggalettes! ..... or if your name ends in a vowel ... especially
if it ends with a "y".....errrr..... I AM NOT CRAZY!!
Ok, so this is the section where you ladies usually list your "Deal
Breakers" .... which, by the way, can sometimes be totally
hilarious and eye rolling ...... anyway, rather than revealing any
nutty superficiality on my part by listing my own deal breakers, of
which there are many, I assure you, I'm going to respond to some of
your more common and very reasonable DB's with a list of what I
like to call "Deal Makers"(<- see what I just did
"no creepy shirtless bathroom mirror cellphone
RESPONSE: Check! ... And Ditto! Don't be tacky!! Bathroom mirror
Selfies = "I am a shut-in and I have no friends!" Oh, and take the
damn sunglasses off, Ladies!! Your FB and Instagram friends know
what your eyes look like, but OKC'ers don't. ... and what is up
with all the Selfies taken from the driver's seat of your car?....
"no homophobes, Republicans, racists, or extreme
RESPONSE: We're all good on that front ... I am a non-racisit,
rational, scientifically minded, agnostic, Democrat, who has a good
collection of gay friends who are pretty rad and fierce ...
probably more than your gay friends .... Oh Snap!
"no drunks or junkies!!"
RESPONSE: Double Ditto!! I do love to have the drinks, but I am
always responsible and drama-free. And I never do hard drugs. I
would ask the same of you. And I can happily roll with
Straightedge'ers and Teetotalers if that's your way to be together
and drama-free. And while we're on the topic, I will also add that
I find it tedious to deal with those stricken with addictions to
such things as drama, mind games, pretense, narcissism, and/or
validation. .....All things in moderation my precious
"please have a job!!"
RESPONSE: No problemo! I got the skillz to the pay the billz.
Though I can play the slacker dirtbag hipster with the best of
them, if that's your type. But I am not one of those destitute
loser Portland dudes looking for a sweet sugar mama. I make a
hell'ah good living for Portland, and I bring a lot to the table
... without being a douchie braggart about it .... this rare
declaration being a practical exception, of course. .... So no
worries, I am all smooch and no mooch, Yo!
"please have a car!!"
RESPONSE: I do own a car. It screams ... well .... cranks ... Old
World sophistication .... in a "bought off of eBay from a Tijuana
Chop Shop" kind of way. So I will never ask you to drive me to band
practice ... mainly because I am not in a band. Totally cool if you
are though. ... or not. I also have a truck and a couple of rad
motorcycles and bicycles. ... *shrug* ... It IS Portland, after
"no married dudes, polys, or
RESPONSE: I am single, and I am very wired and eager for commitment
and monogamy. And I will add, Portland being Portland, for you
women who are into Open and Poly relationships, I am very open
minded and I'm happy to meet all kinds of amazing women, and I
don't have the jealousy gene, but you're probably not up to
offering what I'm looking for over the long term. ... Soooo
.....Easy does it. .....*whisper* There ARE some single women on
here, right? Or does the "OK" in OKCupid mean "Open Kouples"?
RESPONSE: I am a very open and honest person ... sometimes
awkwardly so, if that's not apparent yet. It's all part of being a
mondo nerd ... I mean what I say, and I say what I mean. ...Ummmm
... except when I'm being sarcastic, of course. .... Please be open
and honest yourself, and also be able to recognize and value a man
who is honest with you. ... errrr ......or at least be good at
"no passive aggressive types!!"
RESPONSE: Ok, now help me out here. So you mean like how many of
you Ladies, on a dating site, who say that you're looking for
straight men only, who are single, but only for friends? .... you
mean that kind of passive aggressive? ..... *wry smirk* .... Ohhhh
"no aloof, flaky, or emotionally unavailable
RESPONSE: MEGA-ULTRA-DITTO!! Oh man ....seriously! From my
experience trying to engage with women in Portland, that's kinda
like the black skinny jeans calling the black hoodie .... uh ...
black .... and stuff ....*smug self-satisfied chuckle*.....
Ummmm ..... Wow .... So you actually made it to the end? .... So
what do you think? .....It was totally great for me ..... No
....really. Like .... maybe we should have coffee and pie sometime?
.... and we can snark about the passive aggressive hellscape that
is the Portland dating scene.