.... you have a thing for cool dapper nerds ... ummmm .... but
without being weird or creepy about it!
.... you want to meet a younger, more urbane version of this guy
... also if you are smart,
but not peda ...... uh ... well....
you know what I mean, Little Miss Smartypants!
...... ummm ....
oh, also snarky, hipster-ish, rocker-ish, nerd-ish, punk-ish,
crafty(literally AND figuratively), affectionate, erudite,
stylish(in your own way), serene, engaging, together, graceful(on
the inside if not on the outside). You are more Muse than Fury,
.... more "kick ass" than "punch in the gut". You want to teach me,
and introduce me to fun, rad, dorky and amazing things. You can
tolerate, if not embrace, my cool quixotic geekery. .... You have
what it takes to step up and engage.
Deal Breakers: No dirty hippies, Moonies, carnival chicks, or
Juggalettes! ..... or if your name ends in a vowel ... especially
if it ends with a "y".....errrr..... I AM NOT CRAZY!!
Ok, so this is the section where you ladies usually list your "Deal
Breakers" .... which, by the way, can sometimes be totally
hilarious and eye rolling ...... anyway, rather than revealing any
nutty superficiality on my part by listing my own deal breakers, of
which there are many, I assure you, I'm going to respond to some of
your more common and very reasonable DB's with a list of what I
like to call "Deal Makers"(<- see what I just did
"no creepy shirtless bathroom mirror cellphone
Check! ... And Ditto! Don't be tacky!!
Oh, and take the damn sunglasses off, Ladies!! Your FB and
Instagram friends know what your eyes look like, but OKC'ers don't.
.... COME ON!
"no homophobes, Republicans, racists, or extreme
We're all good on that front ... I am a
non-racisit, rational, scientifically minded, agnostic, Democrat,
who has a good collection of gay friends who are pretty rad and
fierce ... probably more than your gay friends .... Oh Snap!
"no drunks or junkies!!"
Double Ditto!! I do love to have the
drinks, but I am always responsible and drama-free. And I never do
hard drugs. I would ask the same of you. And I can happily roll
with Straightedge'ers and Teetotalers if that's your way to be
together and drama-free. And while we're on the topic, I will also
add that I find it tedious to deal with those stricken with
addictions to such things as drama, mind games, pretense,
narcissism, and/or validation. .....All things in moderation my
"please have a job!!"
No problemo! I got the skillz to the pay
the billz. Though I can play the slacker dirtbag hipster with the
best of them, if that's your type. But I am not one of those
destitute loser Portland dudes looking for a sweet sugar mama. I
make a hell'ah good living for Portland, and I bring a lot to the
table ... without being a douchie braggart about it .... this rare
declaration being a practical exception, of course. .... So no
worries, I am all smooch and no mooch, Yo!
"please have a car!!"
I do own a car. It screams ... well ....
cranks ... Old World sophistication .... in a "bought off of eBay
from a Tijuana Chop Shop" kind of way. So I will never ask you to
drive me to band practice ... mainly because I am not in a band.
Totally cool if you are though. ... or not. I also have a truck and
a couple of rad motorcycles and bicycles. ... *shrug* ... It IS
Portland, after all.
"no married dudes, polys, or cheaters!!"
I am single, and I am very wired and
eager for commitment and monogamy. And I will add, Portland being
Portland, for you women who are into Open and Poly relationships,
I'm happy to meet and date all kinds of amazing women, and I don't
have the jealousy gene, but you're probably not up to offering what
I'm looking for over the long term. ... Soooo .....Easy does it.
.....*whisper* There ARE some single women on here, right? Or does
the "OK" in OKCupid mean "Open Kouples"?
I am a very open and honest person ...
sometimes awkwardly so, if that's not apparent yet. It's all part
of being a mondo nerd ... I mean what I say, and I say what I mean.
...Ummmm ... except when I'm being sarcastic, of course. ....
Please be open and honest yourself, and also be able to recognize
and value a man who is honest with you. ... errrr ......or at least
be good at faking it.
"no passive aggressive types!!"
Ok, now help me out here. So you mean
like how many of you Ladies, on a dating site, say that you're
looking for straight men only, who are single, but only for
friends? .... you mean that kind of passive aggressive? ..... *wry
smirk* .... Ohhhh Portland!
"no aloof, flaky, or emotionally unavailable
MEGA-ULTRA-DITTO!! Oh man ....seriously!
From my experience trying to engage with women in Portland, that's
kinda like the black skinny jeans calling the black hoodie .... uh
... black .... and stuff ....*smug self-satisfied chuckle*.....
Ummmm ..... Wow .... So you actually made it to the end? .... So
what do you think? .....It was totally great for me ..... No
....really. Like .... maybe we should have coffee and pie sometime?
.... and we can snark about the passive aggressive hellscape that
is the Portland dating scene.