I don't know shit about genetics, honestly, so I couldn't tell you shit from a double helix what the science is behind it, but the whole cloning with the mosquito blood and all that, that's a fuckin, like, the biggest failure ever. They can clone the shape of the dinosaurs just fine, but they can't, like, get the bones right. I've stood in a hangar and touched a fuckin, like, a full-on lifesize stegosaurus, and they're made out of rubber, basically. It's like petting a sponge. It's the weirdest thing, because it looks like a stegosaurus, it's got the spikes and all that. But because the fucking thing's bones are all fucked up, when it walks around it's like Barney. And, I mean, let's be honest, the whole point of the thing was to breed these fuckers for military use. I mean, apart from the hardon your average four-star general has for Jurassic Park and shit, every general out there has a pretty big hardon for a bunch of T-Rexes rolling into Baghdad, right?
And I'm telling you, these foam dinosaurs don't scare anybody. They weigh, like, 400 pounds, and they die in like a week, because obviously their bodies are all fucked up because their bones aren't right. We used to get drunk and go into the hangar when they tried to make a T-Rex. And this T-Rex is in there just kinda bouncing around, y'know, all pissed off that he's not a real T-Rex, probably. And we'd go in there all drunk and throw shit at this T-Rex just to, y'know, get him all riled up. Which isn't very cool in retrospect, y'know, but c'mon, it's a clone and shit. And this T-Rex would get all pissed and like bite us, but it doesn't hurt because the teeth are all rubbery too. He'd just pick you up and kinda gum you. It was like being put through a car wash in a sleeping bag or something, kinda. We'd get the camera and get these awesome pics of dudes making these agonized faces as they're being gummed by this dinosaur, just totally cool action shots and shit. The last time Cully was all hopped on Jager and he fuckin goes, "RAAAAGH!!" and rips off one of the T-Rex's toes, it just comes off in his hands as he pulls, I mean, these are pussy fuckin' dinosaurs we're talking about. He still uses the damn toe in the shower, like, for a Loofa, which is pretty trippy when you think about it.
So anyway, they're still trying to figure out the bones thing as far as cloning goes, so that's basically a dead end. But the other thing they tried wasn't actually our idea, it was something those shitheads over at C.H.E.S.H.I.R.E. came up with. Their nanotech guys came up with these badass nanobes, these little microbes that evolve like a motherfucker. Like, one generation an hour. And of course, their dudes are as spaz about dinosaurs as anyone else, I mean, that's kind of a universal, like, fascination. So they figure what they'll do is load the nanobes up with some basic pre-programming to get em going in the right direction, and they set em loose on this little island off the coast of New Zealand, and just let em do their evolutionary thing and evolve into dinosaurs on their own. Which is a pretty good idea, I think, I mean, I don't know why we didn't come up with that. Not me personally, because I'm a field guy, but we pay our nano guys a lot of money to come up with that shit. So I bet they were kinda embarrassed they didn't think of it first, but whatever.
So me and Cully get sent down to this little island to check out the dinosaurs and see what's what. So we get down there and holy shit, the fucking nanobes evolved like you wouldn't believe. And they evolved into the most badass dinosaurs ever. Apparently C.H.E.S.H.I.R.E. thought it would be a good idea to start with velociraptors, which first off can I just say is so clearly a bad idea, I mean, did these guys not watch Jurassic Park? They could have started with a little plant-eater or something, but no, they're evil and stupid and so they do velociraptors right out of the gate. Which, I don't know if you know anything about chaos theory, but that's totally, like, an accident waiting to happen.
We get down to this island, it's all jungly and shit, and the first thing we find out is the C.H.E.S.H.I.R.E. research team is toast, they're fucking all sliced up dead from nanoraptors and shit. These fucking dinosaurs look like velociraptors but they're basically invisible. I mean, you can kind of see them, kinda like how sometimes you can sort of see the Predator? It's like that. And they've got infrared vision and they have their own like, bird language, and I'm telling you, these things are super badass.
The only way we survived was something Cully found out by accident. You know the whole thing with dinosaurs, how their vision's based on movement? Well, these things, their vision was based on non-movement. I guess they evolved that way because everybody was freezing when they saw a dinosaur, thinking they wouldn't get eaten. So Cully's down in this clearing and I'm up in this tree setting up this radar dish thing so we can get the fuck out of there, and these nanoraptors come running in, and Cully just freaks and starts jumping up and down yelling at me to throw down a rope, and the raptors just stop, like, all confused. He stops jumping for a second, and they all start growling, so naturally he starts jumping again. And I'm up there trying to strap this dish to the side of this fucking tree, and Cully's down there bouncing around, yelling, y'know, swearing at me to get the dish set up. And it becomes clear that it's kind of, like, an impasse, the raptors are just standing there chirping at each other trying to figure out what the hell is going on. And Cully's out of energy for jumping, so he starts breakdancing instead. Which, I don't know if I ever mentioned this, but that's a total side talent Cully has. He's always threatening to leave Mensa and go into breakdancing, which is pretty dumb, I mean, it's not like professional breakdancing is a growth industry in this country, but whatever.
So I look down and, I'll tell you what, seeing Cully down there doing the Robot for a bunch of invisible velociraptors, that's when I'm like, yknow, this job kicks ass. I mean, it's a pressure situation and all that, but honestly, how many guys get to say they saw that? That's just, like, a total side benefit of being a Mensa Op.
Anyway, I get the dish set up, and this big stealth copter thing comes to pick us up, and we're like, "Man, you better nuke that island or something!" But we don't really do anything, because it turns out that it's an ecological preserve and there are these striped koalas on the island that are totally endangered, so we can't bomb the island. And of course, we're like, "Dude, the raptors ate the koalas, I guarantee you the koalas are eaten." Because I've seen koalas and man, a koala can't jump around for shit. They just sit there eating eucalyptus and shit, they're, like, perfect nanoraptor food, basically. But they don't believe us at all, probably because our report lost some credibility when we got to the breakdancing part. So they just cordoned off the whole island and that was it. Which, I dunno if you agree, but that's pretty, like, irresponsible from an evolutionary point of view, I mean, what if they evolve into swimmers, right? That's all we need is a bunch of invisible raptors tearing through New Zealand, especially since the average New Zealander has, I'm willing to bet, a pretty, like, rudimentary repertoire of break-dancing moves to, like, evade attack. And if they do get onto the mainland, it's not like we could do anything about it. We sure can't send our dinosaurs after em, New Zealand would be littered with Loofas in about eight seconds. It's scenarios like this that can keep a Mensa Op up nights if you, like, let it get to you.