Try and think about which words describe you best, but also which words will make you not seem like a complete tool. Although you are an adult, it is essential that you cling to, and demonstrate, your youthfulness by representing yourself as a kind of outgrown teenager. Here is where you make your first impressions, so make the best use of it! Make plenty of references to how fun-loving you are, specifically with regard to Zombies and the Zombie Apocalypse. It’s not even that daft really. I mean, like, it could actually happen, with drugs and shit? You can also talk about other topics that young people apparently are preoccupied by, such as ‘what super power would you have?’.
Highlight your boredom with life by referring to your activities outside of work as ‘adventures’. I know what you’re thinking, but it’s OK, some people don’t see through this. And even though you may not be a career criminal, ensure that you state that you are looking for a 'partner in crime’. This will make you look especially edgy, even if a little uncreative. That’s OK. Not everyone needs to be creative. They DO need to be edgy though.
(If, however, you actually are a criminal and are looking for a partner for a job, this may not be the best place to look. You will undoubtedly be inundated with replies from beard-sporting middle class twats who will insist that Bob Dylan is, like, the most important musician of our time.)
This is also the place where you get to demonstrate your webness and is the section that readers will immediately be looking for references to current internet memes and the latest US jargon for First World problems. Show that you are ‘aware’ by referring to the plights of those in challenging circumstances around the world in a slightly patronising way, and try and insinuate that their problems may well go away, if only they had access to more iPhones. You can also show how caring you are by talking about Facebook campaigns that you have clicked on. There was that thing about some monks, I think, and some other foreign people somewhere who were being oppressed by some rich guy with a private army. I can’t remember the details. But it’s probably easy to look up. I will do that in between TED Talks. Generally speaking, any American phrase or reference will go down well and will make you look cultured. Try throwing in ‘hella’, or talk about Burning Man like it’s on every week.
Also, DO NOT forget regular references to alcohol consumption throughout the profile. If at any time, the reader may have forgotten how interesting or zany you are, this will immediately remind them. Photographs also can help with this - try getting shots in which you not only are holding a drink but also wearing some kind of ‘youthful’ outfit (devil horns, fairy wings, or preferably a full-on zombie fancy dress. Go you!).