I dropped a golf ball into an AC vent back in 2001, so I'm your guy
if you're into the "rebel/bad boy" types.
I also think that morning wood is the dumbest thing ever. Why can't
morning wood be a thing that inspires me to do well and get stuff
done efficiently throughout my day? But nope, instead here's a dumb
penis, good luck today, dummy!
What I’m doing with my life
Writing my book: Here are 20 simple steps to avoid elevators
Soon to be a New York Times best selling author.
I’m really good at
I can't think of anything specifically that I'm exemplary at
(besides that stellar use of exemplary and stellar), but I like
giving people quick ways to get over their ex's.
For example: Picture them in a mariachi band.
What were we talking about again?
The first things people usually notice about me
That I'm celebrating the gift of life every single day in the exact
same way; searching for my real father and probably Nair'ing my
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
The Cranberries is my answer to all of these questions.
I can't read and I'm a deaf man without taste buds.
The six things I could never do without
1. Jeff Goldblum
2. Jeff Goldblum
3. Jeff Goldblum
4. Jeff Goldblum
5. Jeff Goldblum
6. Jeff Goldblum
I spend a lot of time thinking about
That if someone were to write a musical about my life, the writer
would have to find an ungodly amount of rhymes for "pizza puff."
Good luck, maestro
On a typical Friday night I am
Taking a bath because then I can enjoy a cigarette while cleaning
off my sweet ass body.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
That if you're an Asian businessman who likes to party, you should
come to my house any night after 8pm. But make sure you bring water
shoes and a great/open attitude. Ok thx
Also I spent a lot of years thinking I was secretly Jewish due to
the fact that I say "oh boy" during the first minute of any
You should message me if
You continually trip over yourself and call it a dance move.