Find better matches with our advanced matching system

—% Match
—% Enemy


39 M San Antonio, TX

My Details

Last Online
Today – 6:37pm
6′ 1″ (1.85m)
Body Type
A little extra
Agnosticism, and laughing about it
Art / Music / Writing
Rather not say
Relationship Status
Relationship Type
Doesn’t have kids, but might want them
Likes dogs and likes cats
English (Fluently)

Similar Users

My self-summary
First things first, I'm not funny at all and I hate to laugh. Laughing is for the weak and if you even try to make me laugh the date will be over. So please, I beg you, do not be funny around me or attempt to make me laugh. Occasionally, it might be ok if you laugh on your own, quietly, out of my earshot. But please compose yourself before joining me in any room I'm currently occupying.

You also need to know that I loathe intellectual conversations with beautiful women. It makes me feel as though they are trying to get me to divulge important information they will later use against me when they are removing my heart from my chest and crushing it with the force of their well-toned thighs and calves under a stiletto heel. Because of this, I also have an irrational fear of stiletto heels. Please wear normal sized heels, non-stripper-sized platforms, flats or even sneakers to our first date. The only topics I will discuss are the weather, places to have dinner or get drinks, sports (but limited to Olympic Curling only), dairy products and how much I really do hate laughter and how quickly I will leave if the conversation takes a humorous turn in any way.

I don't want you know anything about my feelings. I don't like it when people trust and depend on me. Music is THE WORST... especially live, and especially when played on real instruments by skilled musicians! So is art and culture. I don't trust people who read books, and why on earth would anyone want to leave the city they live in to explore other places? I've never seen a movie ever, and it's important that neither have you.

Ok, let's discuss my abs. Now I know many of you ladies are sick to death of gentlemen posting shirtless photos of their abs taken with a camera phone in a bathroom mirror. I will respect this and definitely NOT post any photos of one of the few features on my body I actually worked hard to obtain and can actually feel proud of. This is the reason I won't post any such photos and definitely NOT because you can't actually see my abs through my flabby gut... it's totally NOT because of that. You're welcome.

I'm not looking for a soulmate, a best friend, kindred spirit or a partner in crime. I prefer a purely superficial and sexual relationship with a girl who has low self-esteem, no personality, no integrity, preferably a little on the stupid side and who absolutely positively will never, ever attempt to make any sort of jokes around me ever.

Finally, we all know true love has only been achieved by Buttercup and Westley. Non-fictional characters need not to apply, ammirite? So let's just keep it totally on the surface and never pursue true emotional, intellectual or physical intimacy, eh? It's a losing game for anyone but characters in stories.

So with all of that said, please message me if you would like to enjoy a lovely evening with a guy who definitely will not try to make you laugh or stimulate you in any way.
What I’m doing with my life
Maybe trying to get a date with you.
I’m really good at
Hmm... Not reading your mind, but figuring you out anyway. Also, cameras.
The first things people usually notice about me
Why does that guy with possibly less than ideal genetics have so much fucking swagger?
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
TV: Breaking Bad, Always Sunny, Community, Mad Men, Parks & Rec, Archer, Sherlock, GoT, Flight of the Conchords, Girls, Louie, Orphan Black, Workaholics, Colbert, Arrested Development... Lots more.

MUSIC: Better left for conversation, but to scratch the surface: Black Keys, Ryan Adams, Grizzly Bear, Feist, Hendrix, Zepplin, old U2... seriously, I'm gonna have to stop typing or this is gonna take all night. In general, I'm probably one of the most open minded musical elitists you'll ever meet. I tend to find out about more up and coming indie rock groups than anyone my age has any business knowing about (although, I tend to not be all that impressed with a lot of it). I'll give anything a chance from Pop stuff on the radio to weird international stuff that only two people are into. Doesn't mean I'll like it, but I'll give it a chance. If it's good, it's good. Genre is irrelevant.

MOVIES: Yes, I love them. Too many to list though. I like Wes Anderson (in spite of being pretentious as fuck too much of the time), Tarantino, Paul Thomas Anderson, Aronofsky, the Coppolas, David O. Russell, Johns Hughes, Scorsese, lots more.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
When I was in the 7th grade, I once stole a live rabbit from a games booth at the Helotes Cornyval after my buddy unsuccessfully spent $13 trying to win one. It peed on me as I made my getaway.
I’m looking for
  • Girls who like guys
  • Ages 25–43
  • Near me
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating
You should message me if
- You have a long and interesting profile. I will actually read it.
- You are a Frisky Dingo/Archer/Black Keys/Wes Anderson fan who isn't afraid to look silly when you're laughing from your guts.
- You laugh from your guts regularly.
- You've seen my photos and thought to yourself, "under the right circumstances, sure, I'd hit that."
- You're prepared for me to potentially reply with something very long winded, but probably funny enough to make up for it. Or not reply at all, because... well, sometimes I'm like that (as are many of you).