I joined okcupid half on a dare and half as a result of staying up until 2:30am while stalking ex girlfriends on facebook.

I'm kind of in love with Diana Ross and the Supremes, steak, carnations, cheese and Robitussin. I try to take life with a grain of salt but lately I've been getting the Morton's canister variety in an attempt to cope with the unfortunate irony that we call life. Needless to say, I feel like I need more sugar in my diet. Or red meat and whiskey.

I take pride in making awkward situations even more awkward and causing people I first meet to try and gauge my character with their shrewd awareness and uncanny moral perception. Long walks on the beach are basically deal breakers as I'm allergic to sand, children and cotton candy.

After the whole craigslist phenom that led a medical student to rob and kill hooke-I mean unlicensed masseuses I'm not really all that thrilled with the idea of meeting total strangers who cruise the web to find their soul mate, however I am exceptionally excited at the prospect of chatting on our laptops at two different Starbucks. That idea thrills me and it should thrill you as well.

Things that amuse me include but are not limited to:

- your responses to this summary
- kittens in sweaters
- hot dog vendors
- nyc condoms
- surly fast food workers
- scats (scarf hats)
- lean AND hot pockets
- styrofoam
- leopard print
- maverick
- plaid
- overalls (as in osh kosh beGODDAMN)
- the neverending story sequels
- small refrigerators
- showboating
- keds
- city drivers
- overzealous nannies
- hydrogenated oils
- leggings
- american apparel
- seatbelt fashion
- instant coffee
- trucker hats
- patchouli
- people who say "breaf" instead of "breath"
- garden tools
- stain remover pens

...and quite possibly you.

Formerly I was training full time to become a Nun costumed Lucha Libre Wrestler. These days I stay at home and drink Jim Beam with my cat who needs support for the recent breakup she's endured.

Making awkward situations MORE awkward, disturbing the peace, willfully stealing silverware from dining establishments, driving away friends and alienating my family.

My extremely pale skin and the aroma of either a distillery, brewery or both.

Books, here we go. Calculus for Beginners, I Was Told There'd Be Cake, Less than Zero, Horton Hears a Who.

Movies: The ENTIRE Debbie Does series. I still weep every time I go to Dallas, which is not often.

Nicotine, Creatine, kittens, Absinthe, wrist watch and the History of Venezuela. <3.

Muscular dystrophy. And Padma Lakshmi.

Keeping shit real and not answering my ex girlfriend's phone calls.

My vagina really does have monologues. They're not only intellectually stimulating but in iambic pentameter.

Boredom is causing your extremities to atrophy.