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34 M Portland, OR

I’m looking for

  • Girls who like guys
  • Ages 25–34
  • Near me
  • Who are single
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating

My Details

Last Online
Yesterday – 9:04pm
6′ 0″ (1.83m)
Body Type
Libra, but it doesn’t matter
Graduated from university
Relationship Status
Relationship Type
Has dogs
English (Fluently), Italian (Fluently), French (Okay)

Similar Users

My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
Welcome to my self-summary! This is going to give you absolutely no real idea as to who I am! Except maybe that I love exclamation marks! (I like punctuation in general; they are the little bossy-pantses of a sentence. Words are the meat of the sentence sandwich and punctuation marks are the impetuous cheese demanding that you wait... pause, pause more; now yell! Now inflect upwards?)

Oh, sure, this self-summary will have some salient bullet points here and there that will immediately tell you if we have a few things in common or whether there are instant deal breakers. For example, you can already tell I'm a chatty Cathy (or whatever the masculine version of that is... Talky Thomas? Loquacious Larry?) and that I adore the absurd, that I am a garrulous giggles giver (this one only applies if you've giggled at anything I've written), and that I alove alliteration alot. You may find this hilarious, amusing, or incredibly annoying depending on who you are.

But there are probably super-many things you won't know about me from this self summary. I can list a few but you still won't really know them, by definition, obviously. Like that underneath my stream-of-consciousness exterior I have a serious side who cares about Things (TM) like helping friends when it matters, doing little things to light up someone's day, family, doing my part to unfuck up the world a little, and spelling abbreviations correctly, etc.

The best way to get to know me is to sit across a table from me and drink things in my general direction. It's not a date, it's a self-summary.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
What are you, my mom? Seriously, if you're my mom stop looking at my profile, it's totally ruining my boner.

The Italian part of me wants to relax and suck the marrow (sorry, this prose is not vegetarian friendly) out of life. I want to collect as many experiences as possible and generally spend my time enjoying things. Also, I want to share these beautiful moments, whether through music, or insights and musings, or through a well cooked meal. (God, I'm re-reading this like a year later and my Italian side sounds like such a douche)

The American part of me wants to excel at work and climb the hierarchical ladder. I want to learn more and succeed at my endeavors and be known for what I do, whatever it is. I want to own nice things (nothing wrong with nice things, folks), be a worthwhile part of the social fabric, participate in our political process, and contribute to the greater human endeavor. (Ugh, I'm re-reading this part now, too, and my American side is a major tool!)

I think that maybe somewhere in between is the right path. I'll figure it out, I'm sure.

(Do not date a-year-ago me, he was a douche-tool. Date now-me instead. I never say things like "beautiful moments" or "greater human endeavor". Instead I say things like, "Are you going to eat that last meatball?" and "Could you hand me my socks? You're closer." Real talk.)
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Fake karate.
Making pretty melodies.
Incomplete sentences.

I'm good at ignoring these OKC questions and instead answering my own, say, for example, "I'm really bad at":

* Remembering things
* Shutting up
* Always being considerate
* Following through
* Forgiving myself (does anyone else's memory primarily consist of embarrassing or shameful moments that occasionally rear their heads for no apparent reason?)
* Being patient
* Seeing things from other people's point of view

Because I realize I'm bad at these things I'm the first to admit it when they happen, and I try to work on being a better person. I'm a work in progress. I'm going to start being better by shutting up now.

MMmph hmmmh mmmm. mph.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
Sense of humor. Unless it's a bad hair day. In which case it's my bad hair, silly.

Also: most days are bad hair days. My hair and I have a love/hate relationship. I'd love for it not to suck and it hates me. I've left many a poor stylist crying her poor little eyes out after hours of machine-shop sounds, smoke, and sparks, and in between her body-wracking sobs, she might squeal in a very soft, high-pitch voice, "cowlicks, poof, so much hair..."

"It's not your fault," I'd reply, patting her head gently, "it's not your fault."
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
I have to say that this is the stupidest OKC section without a doubt. Of what use is it for you to know that I only read fan fiction, watch German porn, and eat meat if it's in the shape of a vegetable? None of this will help us get to know one another. Yes, yes, you love Murakami's magical realism, couldn't put down Middlesex. You swear by David Lynch, only consume sushi, and watch Cougar Town religiously. It doesn't matter. Who cares?

Did the Giving Tree express selfless dedication in a simple and yet profound way that touched you at your core? Did the Little Prince engender playful melancholy in your weary soul? Did Battle Royale excite your adrenaline while its dystopian vision chilled your heart? Did you have an amazing time in imagination-ville while stuffing your face with ingestibles required to survive? Big. Fucking. Deal.

Just kidding. I love it all. I just didn't want to answer, so I railed a little instead. Felt good. You should try it. Just yell things at people on the internet. It's called trolling and it's super sweet. Make sure to compare someone to Hitler. That's how you win.

This song for right now:
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
Friends and Family
Making Music
Six-item lists.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
What I need to put in this box and press enter to get wit u boo. I hope it's what I just now wrote... What's that? You think this paragraph is hella sexy? I don't know how I feel about your usage of the antiquated slang term "hella" but I appreciate your enthusiasm.

OKCupid essay success!

P.S. If any of you want my help on how to craft the perfect essay guaranteed to get you a date with absolutely anyone on OKC contact me at imlying@completerejectionguaranteed.bummer
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
... bursting through my front door. I just got the package and Eagle's Nest has given the go ahead. I hop into the chopper and rev up the flying blades. The neighbor's rhododendron is flattened underneath the powerful wind generated by my helicopter as it lifts into the night sky. My neighborhood diminishes in size until the people on the streets are just figurines, no, ants, scurrying around performing their menial daily labor.

"Falcon Master, are you airborn?" The radio crackles as home base checks in.

"Sir, yes sir!" I reply with the zeal befitting one of my profession.

"You have the package?"

I look at the pizza box whose sturdy walls house double pepperoni, mushrooms, green peppers, tomato sauce, cheese and dough denizens, protecting them from the deleterious effects of the outside world. This is who I am, and what I live for. Hot pizza delivered on time, via my trusty air-steed, only on Fridays. I am Falcon Master, pizza delivery man of the skies!

End of Fiction.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I can't watch shows like The Office and Seinfeld because I get embarrassed for the characters.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
Dooooo it. Joo knows you want to. Oh yeah. Type it. Tippity typity! Write it. Hit send, enter, carriage return, line feed!