This past week has been difficult for me. My family's financial situation seems to teeter between tolerable and horrible all the time, and now I'm feeling the weight of the situation first hand.

There are fees for summer school that I cannot pay, which is very hard. I'm making WAY less than half the money I've been making the past six months at the Museum and don't know what to do. I'm thinking of moving out to maybe get more financial aid? Private college is expensive, and I'm pretty sure I'll have to take a semester or possibly two off before I will be able to attend regularly.

My parents asked me if I'm in competition with my friends to graduate, and I said, no, of course not. But in reality, I think I am. I'm not like them and can't really be like them. I'm not wealthy and my parents don't have stable jobs, I wasn't valedictorian because--surprise!--homeschoolers can't be.

I just wish there was something easy that would help me fix this situation. Its so frustrating.

The guy that I've liked and that has been kind of keeping me from being involved on this website is in a relationship, or that's what his facebook status says. Woah, really? He's been single since I've known him (May of last year) and it kind of popped up. I think he's looking for a house for them or something.

Am I wrong to be kind of upset by this? Its not like I see him all that much and he is older than me. Daydreaming is lethal and really should be outlawed in all 50 states, plus Washington, D.C.

It seems weird that May 17, 2009 was the third year anniversary of my graduating from high school. No, it doesn't feel like I'm any closer to graduating from college or accomplishing any of my goals, though sometimes I convince myself I'm closer than I think.

Today I got a Facebook invitation to a wedding (wow, thats a whole other blog) from a girl I graduated high school with. Its funny because I was always jealous of this girl and in some ways still am. She's going to the college that I desperately wanted to go to but could not afford, is a very gifted and loving individual, and is getting married. She had all the boys after her in high school, and its easy to see why.

She will be the third or fourth person from our graduating class, the class of 2006, to be getting married. My other friend, Emily, will be getting married in November.

Its just interesting how people change and grow, move on, or stay still. I'm no where close to where she is spiritually, physically, or romantically, but I think I'm going somewhere. Its just hard to see where.

I've decided to try this again. Being overwhelmingly consumed with school, work, driving (everywhere it feels like), and trying to have some kind of social life has been really hard this semester. As my advisor said, next semester will be better.

Today I've decided not to keep going on with the same complaints I have been since I've logged on to this website. Its true, I've been narrowminded and shallow to an extent. My reasoning behind this was that fat guys chase/get skinny girls, why can't I be the same? Well, I don't want to be like fat guys, I want to be a girl who weighs a little more than she should, but cares a little more than she should, listens a little more than she should, and is herself a little more than she should be.

I'm tired of crushes on co-workers that won't go away, the thought of an aquaintance wanting to ask me on a date, or being stood up for my first date in all of history by a closet drug-addict (true story).

Maybe this whole experience, whether its just for this summer of if this becomes my regular routine, is that I can become confident around people of the opposite gender and finally become the woman I'm meant to be, whoever she is.

Is singleness an option in today's society for someone who wants to retain their chastity for marriage?

I was thinking about not having a boyfriend (ever) and the abandonment I feel from my friends at this point in my life. I don't know if I want a boyfriend for the sake of having one or because I really want a deeper companionship because all my bridges are gone.

Maybe I should declare myself "asexual" and move on.

Note: the content of this blog might be unorganized or strange, as are the contents of the author's brain. Reader's discretion is advised. :) haha.

I know its a little bit early to start complaining about Valentine's Day. Usually this time every year, I start getting antsy and anxious for...nothing. I've never done anything on Valentine's Day and have never been asked to do anything by anyone. Why I could and probably will complain about that more, there's something else entirely that bothers me:

Why do they start selling stuff for Valentine's Day right after Christmas/New Year's? It doesn't make sense! I know candy has tons and TONS of preservatives in it, but it'll be gone or smushed or whatever by the time the "big day" rolls around. Unless, of course, that's the real reason they sell it early. The companies are hoping that people will gorge on the one bag of Kit Kats and then go for the Snickers instead...but they still need Kit Kats, so they buy those too.

I don't know whether to enjoy Valentine's Day with my church family, since they're going out to some barbeque restaraunt that is gross, or go see "He's Just Not That Into You" by myself. All my friends have boyfriends, and the ones that don't live two hours away minimum.

What's a girl to do alone on a romantic holiday?

P.S. If you don't know where my subject line came from, click here!

I was thinking about my friendship with a person who found "love" on OKC. She's been dating this guy since October that she met on this site and seems to be happy. He's a lot older, but I've liked guys as old as he is (he's 27, she's 21). He just looks older, thats all.

Anyway, my point is this: everytime my friend and I hang out, she talks about him. And I don't care. Yes, I'm jealous, but I also kind of don't agree with her dating this guy just for a few different reasons. Does this make me a total bitch that I'm not supportive of my friend?

I don't know if I am or not. Lately, though, he's all she talks about, and would rather spend time with him or me and my other best friend. Its quite irritating. She'll drive all the way over to Dallas (he lives down the street from me) to see him but not to see my friend and me.

I'm overreacting, huh? That's what I thought. Grow up? Yes, that needs to happen to. I'm just tired of being pushed aside. The thought of hanging out with her makes me get heartburn because I know how uncomfortable it will be. Ughhh.

There's something wrong. Who knows what it is.

For some reason, whenever I hear the branches of the bush outside the living room window, I swear I hear cats meowing or fighting or something. Weird.

Less romantic? Certainly I am because I've never been in a relationship. That doesn't mean I'm not open to it, though.

Part of thinks that all of this desire for a boyfriend and a companion is more driven by my loneliness and abandonment I feel by my friends. They've all had boyfriends, most have gone away to school or at least have their own apartment, some of them are even married.

I don't know what I want out of life right now. My home life, for lack of a better term, is so confusing and terrifying. My parents and I can barely afford to buy gas and food, and I just picked up another job (that makes it a total of three). God has to help me out of this nightmare because that's the only way I can foresee it being worked out.

I guess I'm just jealous of everything they have, when I know I shouldn't be. I want love and friendship basically because I feel like all my friends have abandoned me in some way. I don't feel like I've grown at all, and to quote Relient K, I struggle with forward motion.

I normally would never post such personal things on a website like this. I mean, I just don't really have anyone to talk to at the moment and need to get things off my chest.

Basically, I live at home with my parents, and my parents, like a lot of other people in American, are struggling horribly with money woes. I'm also struggling. My dad pretty much told me that he doesn't know if we'll have a house, or his work truck, or my mom's van by November. We could have nothing.

So here I am on a Wednesday night, not doing homework or going to the wrap party of the movie I was an extra in, but selling crap on the internet. Planning a garage sale. Looking through my room, and my parents' house, for possessions we don't use or are not attached to to get rid of.

I've often felt helpless in my parents' situation. Its been hard for the past three years and I don't know how to even fix my own money problems, except for trusting that God will provide for us when things are rough. That's the only way we've gotten this far. But I think He's telling me we need to fix this problem and move forward, or He can't help anymore. That makes sense. Free will and all that stuff.

Maybe the point of writing this is so I can see it all written down, so to speak, to analyze everything and make a plan. Or maybe I did it just to make myself feel entirely more miserable than I should. Whatever the case may be, I just know we have to stay strong as a family or none of this will work.