Holy Fuck! We're shopping for people now?! This is awesome! Let's go people shopping!
Hi, my name is Ben. Looking for love is like looking for a new pair of shoes: you go into the store and they are the only pair you see, the rest are just a blur on the wall, you get your size and go. But for most of us, we spend all day shopping and at the end try to convince ourselves into liking the best possible pair cause dammit, we need'em.
I am a big fan of pre-marital sex and hot tamales.
I think whoever did the math on the amount of handicapped spaces we need in this world was way off, they're always empty!
I prefer the non-electric version of battleship because I like to make the noises myself. Plus, the electric version doesn't include machine gun fire, sinking sounds, and overall malaise of the shipmen.
Sometimes drunk girls at the bar sound like seagulls fighting over a french fry...not to say that guys can't sound like monkeys
Not sure if someone is sketchy? Just ask yourself this one question: "would you go camping with them?"
Anyone who smokes a cigar in public is an inconsiderate asshole and should put the thing out, up their ass.
I would someday like to stand in line at the grocery store without seeing which celebrities are getting fat, dying, or divorced: "Oh I feel so much better now....yup, much better you than me." Kinda like the chicken or the egg, which came first? The tabloids, or the vampires sucking off the cellulite on J Lo's ass.
I think revolving doors are the shittiest thing ever invented; just make a big fucking door!
I like to go to the doctor and ask, "Hey, how's business?"
A wolverine could wrap christmas presents better than me. As long as I cover the entire surface area of the gift, I am happy.
If you don't believe in: "once a cheater always a cheater" - you're a cheater. If you do believe in: "once a cheater always a cheater" - you are the cheatee- shitty