Okay so I, like everyone else on OkC constantly get annoying creepy messages from perverts. While some of them can get pretty creative (I actually received an IM that said "I want to be a drag queen version of you." from a 40 year old straight man with no pictures.), usually they start out with some potentially creepy question about my sexuality. I mostly ignore them but this time I felt like being an asshole. What follows is the result of what happens when pervert meets asshole.

*It gets a little confusing at points and my humor gets a bit dark and offensive toward the end but just stick with me don't worry, I'm not that much of an asshole.

---

snoopymachine:hey

[7:12:22 pm]snoopymachine:how are you?

[7:12:50 pm]snoopymachine:youre bi?

[7:12:51 pm]snoopymachine:hello?

[7:17:39 pm]pauca_verba:yeah hey.

[7:17:43 pm]pauca_verba:yeah i'm bi.

[7:18:00 pm]snoopymachine:ever been with a couple?

[7:18:35 pm]pauca_verba:no. i'm a virgin.

[7:18:48 pm]snoopymachine:masturbate a lot?

[7:19:01 pm]pauca_verba:well yeah, but i usually have to use 2 hands.

[7:19:14 pm]snoopymachine:cup size?

[7:19:43 pm]pauca_verba:which one?

[7:19:50 pm]snoopymachine:meaning what?

[7:19:53 pm]snoopymachine:your bra size

[7:19:54 pm]snoopymachine:what is it?

[7:20:19 pm]pauca_verba:oh, well i thought you meant my other cup size.

[7:20:26 pm]snoopymachine:what?

[7:20:28 pm]snoopymachine:whats your cup size?

[7:20:33 pm]snoopymachine:what else is a cup size?

[7:21:25 pm]pauca_verba:oh nevermind.

[7:21:33 pm]pauca_verba:yeah it fluctuates.

[7:21:36 pm]pauca_verba:what about you?

[7:21:40 pm]snoopymachine:never mind what?

[7:21:44 pm]snoopymachine:just explain what you thought i meant

[7:21:47 pm]snoopymachine:whats your cup size?

[7:23:06 pm]snoopymachine:hello?

[7:23:15 pm]pauca_verba:oh sorry.

[7:23:28 pm]pauca_verba:i'm about a C or a D depending on the weather.

[7:23:36 pm]snoopymachine:the weather?

[7:23:42 pm]snoopymachine:like suicking?

[7:23:55 pm]pauca_verba:what's suicking?

[7:24:03 pm]pauca_verba:i've been tubing once.

[7:24:07 pm]pauca_verba:at summer camp.

[7:24:37 pm]pauca_verba:how do you suick?

[7:24:49 pm]pauca_verba:do you suick?

[7:25:13 pm]snoopymachine:obviously youre just patronizing so ill just keep asking since you cant even explain the jokes youre making

[7:25:19 pm]snoopymachine:you like sucking?

[7:25:27 pm]snoopymachine:at least one?

[7:26:01 pm]pauca_verba:i'm not patronizing?

[7:26:15 pm]pauca_verba:i'm just asking... at least one what?

[7:26:18 pm]snoopymachine:what?

[7:26:23 pm]pauca_verba:you're not being specific.

[7:26:28 pm]snoopymachine:at least one joke you didnt explain i dont know?

[7:26:37 pm]snoopymachine:at least one joke you didnt explain i dont know?

[7:26:41 pm]snoopymachine:you like sucking?

[7:26:44 pm]snoopymachine:you know what i mean

[7:26:48 pm]snoopymachine:so ill just keep asking

[7:26:48 pm]pauca_verba:ooooh sucking!

[7:26:51 pm]snoopymachine:you like sucking?

[7:26:54 pm]snoopymachine:you know what i mean

[7:26:56 pm]pauca_verba:like sucking on a penis?!

[7:26:57 pm]snoopymachine:so ill keep asking

[7:27:00 pm]snoopymachine:you like sucking?

[7:27:02 pm]snoopymachine:you know what i mean

[7:27:05 pm]snoopymachine:so ill keep asking

[7:27:08 pm]snoopymachine:you like sucking?

[7:27:23 pm]pauca_verba:well it depends on the penis

[7:27:35 pm]pauca_verba:and what is attached to the penis...

[7:27:44 pm]snoopymachine:you like sucking?

[7:27:51 pm]pauca_verba:but usually no i don't like sucking.

[7:27:55 pm]pauca_verba:do you like sucking?

[7:28:06 pm]pauca_verba:because you sure are doing alot of it right now.

[7:28:06 pm]snoopymachine:im a man duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[7:28:12 pm]snoopymachine:why you a virgin?

[7:28:17 pm]snoopymachine:meaning what?

[7:28:21 pm]snoopymachine:explain your jokes please?

[7:28:26 pm]snoopymachine:why you a virgin?

[7:28:35 pm]pauca_verba:oh sorry i'm having 2 different conversations.

[7:28:40 pm]snoopymachine:what?

[7:28:43 pm]snoopymachine:why you a virgin?

[7:29:00 pm]pauca_verba:well i'm a virgin because i'm not married. i think jesus expects me to be chaste, and i want to do that for him.

[7:29:14 pm]pauca_verba:when i give myself to the man that loves me i want it to be special.

[7:29:18 pm]snoopymachine:why you a virgin?

[7:29:19 pm]pauca_verba:but i do anal.

[7:29:27 pm]snoopymachine:why you a virgin?

[7:31:13 pm]pauca_verba:i was going to ask though.

[7:31:24 pm]snoopymachine:why you a virgin?

[7:31:27 pm]pauca_verba:i don't want to be shy or anything so i'm just going to go for it...

[7:31:49 pm]snoopymachine:why you a virgin

[7:31:59 pm]pauca_verba:i told you why i'm a virgin...

[7:32:04 pm]pauca_verba:are you a robot?

[7:32:09 pm]pauca_verba:why are you a robot?

[7:32:14 pm]pauca_verba:why are you a robot?

[7:32:19 pm]pauca_verba:why are you a robot?

[7:32:23 pm]pauca_verba:why are you a robot?

[7:32:38 pm]snoopymachine:i told you youre patronizing me so i wont stop till you answer

[7:32:47 pm]snoopymachine:theres no reason to ask a question unless its answered

[7:32:51 pm]snoopymachine:and women like walking in circles

[7:32:56 pm]pauca_verba:i told you! i'm saving myself for marriage!

[7:33:00 pm]snoopymachine:so you have to keep doing the same thing till they respond

[7:33:02 pm]snoopymachine:why you a virgin?

[7:33:14 pm]pauca_verba:ok ok i'll tell you jeez!

[7:33:21 pm]snoopymachine:why you a virgin?

[7:33:34 pm]pauca_verba:... i have some strange genitalia... people get a little freaked out about it.

[7:34:13 pm]snoopymachine:why you a virgin?

[7:34:26 pm]pauca_verba:I TOLD YOU! do you want me to go into detail!?

[7:34:38 pm]pauca_verba:christ, who are you my therapist!

[7:34:39 pm]snoopymachine:why you a virgin?

[7:35:17 pm]pauca_verba:i'm a virgin because a lot of people, girls and boys have been a little freaked out by my genitals.

[7:35:28 pm]snoopymachine:hello?

[7:35:51 pm]pauca_verba:hey.

[7:36:00 pm]snoopymachine:why you a virgin?

[7:36:00 pm]pauca_verba:okay so i'll tell you.

[7:36:11 pm]snoopymachine:why you a virgin?

[7:36:39 pm]pauca_verba:... i had a botched circumcision as a child.

[7:36:58 pm]snoopymachine:why you a virgin?

[7:37:01 pm]pauca_verba:my parents were very traditional people from Nairobi

[7:37:24 pm]snoopymachine:why you a virgin?

[7:37:30 pm]pauca_verba:they wanted me to be circumcised, but the knife slipped and... ok i have to stop talking about this.

[7:37:41 pm]pauca_verba:it's kind of a rough thing to talk about.

[7:39:13 pm]pauca_verba:anyway you should really protest against female circumcision

[7:39:24 pm]pauca_verba:it's a very cruel and antiquated practice

[7:40:02 pm]pauca_verba:and any help you can give will make a difference.

[7:40:36 pm]pauca_verba:HELLO?

[7:41:14 pm]pauca_verba:where are you?

[7:41:24 pm]pauca_verba:we were just having an amazing conversation

[7:41:41 pm]pauca_verba:you can't beat off to my traumatic childhood story about circumcision!

[7:42:53 pm]pauca_verba:... unless you donate here: http://www.fgmnetwork.org/faq.php#donations

[7:43:12 pm]pauca_verba:then you can beat off.

[7:47:52 pm]snoopymachine:why you a virgin?

[7:48:32 pm]snoopymachine:hello?

---

Yeah i'm not going to bother to protect this douche's anonymity. It's not like I'd be spoiling any chance of him getting laid if I didn't.

pauca_verba:you don't even understand how boring the queer girls are on OkC

DeltaPatch:no?

pauca_verba:"i like tegan and sara, i like art, i like the L word, i read Zane. I am very spiritual" ugh.

DeltaPatch:LOL

DeltaPatch:Oh yeah!

DeltaPatch:Let me try, this sounds fun

DeltaPatch:"I love nature, I like taking walks in the woods, I love Rasputina, I don't eat meat"

pauca_verba:hahaha now you've got it!

pauca_verba:the internet makes me understand why conservatives hate lesbians... they are soooo boooring.

DeltaPatch:Yes, that is likely why

pauca_verba:let's take away their right to vote until they find some new interests.

DeltaPatch:Ugh, you know what I hate more?

DeltaPatch:"I'm okay with girls kissing it, but two guys - no way, that creeps me out"

pauca_verba:where does that even come from?

DeltaPatch:Freud

pauca_verba:two girls kissing does not look like sapphic erotica... it looks like john goodman kissing another john goodman. which is the way god intended it!

DeltaPatch:bwahahaha

---

*Note: I do realize that i fall victim to the cliche queer girl profile boringness, which just makes me all the more qualified to make fun of it! ALSO, WGAT! TRY PIRATING THIS! PIRATE!

DeltaPatch is a dirty pirate who will get her comeuppance when the revolution comes. Darn her and her nimble fingers! Darn her to hell!

---

pauca_verba:also. i've decided i only like people who expressly state how much they love fun in their profiles

DeltaPatch:that's... that isn't me.

pauca_verba:clearly if you do not list "fun" as something you enjoy, then you hate fun... and jews.

DeltaPatch:Similarly, if you don't love music, you're probably also a baby killer

pauca_verba:and if you don't love to laugh, then you're a racist.

pauca_verba:i think i need to post this conversation as a journal.

DeltaPatch:bwahaha