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This is like when you get introduced to someone by a friend who has been talking a lot about how funny you are, and the new person says "Say something funny." Okay, I'm funny. I refuse to take anything seriously (for more information on why, ask me about the day I was riding my bike in the rain). I am smart, but not as smart as I think I am and smarter than I know. I am sometimes shy and sometimes an extrovert, but I can never tell which is going to come out on top. I have committed an act of piracy on the high seas. I am the funny uncle. I am not handsome until you get to know me. I am a constantly flowing fountain of brilliant but absolutely unworkable ideas (ask me about Justin's Great Big Whorehouse for Teens or the Sugarglider Cruise). Wait, this isn't summarizing at all; those are just illustrative examples.
Okay, here's a summary: Once I decided I wasn't going to be the funny guy anymore; I wanted to be the sexy guy, the one women notice when they walk into the party. I told a bunch of people, a group of friends I happened to be with, that I wasn't funny anymore, and that they should treat me like I was just the hot guy. Oh, they laughed and laughed. Wait, that's not a summary either, just a telling incident.
Dang. okay, let me think. Ok, here's my summary. I am brave, noble, kind, true, honest, just, loyal, right and...um, noble. Wait, I said noble. What's that other thing? Oh, yeah, good.
Also, and I am very serious about this - to all the women on OKCupid who say they are going to kick my ass at Scrabble: You are not going to kick my ass at Scrabble. You might beat me once: you might beat me a few times; you might beat me regularly, but you are not going to kick my ass. You're not going to perpetrate the kind of runaway shellackings you may be used to. I am the man who played 'squeeze' on a triple word score and then tacked an 's' on it for a second triple word score at a garden party. You may have heard of me. I will play 'fez' and 'zek' on the same Z, and I have my own copy of the OED.
The chances that you are going to kick my ass at pool are much higher.
You know who you are.
UPDATE: Because I am told this is an important consideration and I don't know where else to put it: I don't smoke or drink, but I don't care if you do. It's not some kind of crusade, and I am not in recovery. I do have a party with friends once a year at which I do my best to get just a little drunker than I did last year, but by and large I don't indulge. I do have an elaborate theory about why I don't drink or smoke (which I am told is wrong) which I will happily tell you about, in addition to the real reason, but if you love everything else about me but are worried that I will judge you because you smoke or drink, don't worry about it. I don't mind. In fact, I think there is something a little extra-sexy about making out with a girl who tastes a little of whiskey and cigarettes, although i will not sleep with you until you are sober. We can talk about this later.
Also: I do not have a car. I have many qualities that make up for this, chief among them that I am not only willing to take but am enthusiastic about taking trains, buses and airplanes to places that I need to get to. These places include San Franciso, Seattle, New York, and virtually anyplace in between if the incentive is right. Think about that.
I am scriptogenic, a romportunist, and levitophractic