Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
Everyone thinks the homeless are useless. I like to hire them. Help
the homeless help me. I never take my trash out. The night I have
to take my trash out, I sit outside my apartment, chainsmoking.
Eventually a homeless smells the cigarette smoke and asks for a
cigarette. Can you spare a cigarette? No, I cannot. But, I can
spare my trash. I know you like trash, because I’m sure that’s what
you were doing before you came to ask me for a cigarette, digging
for shit in the trash. Do you see any trash outside my house? No,
right, because it’s upstairs. And you’re going to go up there and
take my trash out for me. And you get a reward. You get to keep
whatever you want of the trash. The downside is they have to go
inside my apartment. But I think it’s worth it. So I let them
inside my apartment, but I tell them not to touch anything or I’ll
fucking taser you. I don’t own a taser, but they don’t know that.
And trash, that’s a treasure to them. So they’re always more than
happy to collect my trash and bottles, and all that other shit,
puke, whatever. I said don’t touch anything except the trash. They
probably think I’m being kind by opening doors, but no, I just
don’t want them touching anything. I always wait for a thank you.
They never thank me but always ask for a cigarette again when they
are done. I said no!
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
I'm working on a business venture called Build-a-Ho. It's
website-based, with an app for the iPhone, of course. Men pick a
standard Ho and then add features to her. Like Build-a-Bear, some
features are more expensive than others. You want a cheap Ho,
she'll look and act cheap. But, if you're willing to pay the extra
cash for upgrades, you might even get yourself a Ho that can pass
off as a girlfriend. My friends think this might be considered
prostitution, but I don't listen to them.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Not listening, last minute decisions and binge drinking.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I don't get girls who list as their requirements that I can't be
looking for casual sex. Just because I list casual sex doesn't mean
that I won't talk to someone who doesn't want to blow me 10 minutes
after meeting me. Listing casual sex does not mean that's all I'm
looking for. I'm just being honest. That being said, any guy here
or anywhere who isn't looking for casual sex is a liar. Try it,
send a straight man who doesn't have casual sex listed a message
asking if they want to meet up for lunch and sex and if someone
turns that down, I'll give you a dollar. Or a hug, because that
probably means you're not very good looking.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
I like movies with lots of sex, tits, and explosions. Oh, and
movies that chicks like to hookup to are cool too.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
You know that quote dumb chicks cite on their profiles, something
like, if you can't take me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my
best? I hate those girls. Usually she's a bitchy chick trying to
overcompensate for her lack of self-esteem and personality by
trying to pretend she's a badass. Who said anyone wanted you?
You're probably a bitch and get dumped all the time and rationalize
it with, he didn't deserve me anyway. I don't think I deserved to
get slapped in the face when I called that asian girl the other
night a potato sack in front of the whole bar, but apparently she
thought I did. But I got over it. Anyway, grow up, lose some
weight, stop being a bitch, buy fake tits, whatever, and please
stop putting up stupid quotes. I could definitely do without stupid
quotes and without the stupid girls that put those up. Six things I
could never do without? No, clue.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
Why is everything so much more fun with no pants on?
Describing someone as "nice" is the worst insult, ever. If all you
have to say about a person is that they are nice, you actually mean
they are lame, boring, and you couldn't care less about them.
Notice no one is every talking about how awesome someone is and
then adds, oh and they are nice. Never. It's only when you have no
words left to describe how lame and pathetic someone is that you
have to resort to, "Well, I mean, but at least he's nice." If you
don't know what I'm talking about, then you must be one of these
"nice" people. So, go hurt yourself somehow. I'd rather be
described as a cocksucker than as a nice person and I don't even
like sucking dick.
Global Warming. Polar bears are cute, but my SUV kicks ass.
Lots of people say they would do ANYTHING for a million dollars.
They sometimes even add, "I swear! ANYTHING!" Really, anything? By
anything, those people always mean anything except things that
require hard work, time, effort, a proper education, etc. In other
words, they mean that if someone handed them a million dollars they
would take the money. No shit.
Who's Pepe Silvia? And, did he ever get his mail?
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Sometimes, I feel like I'm wasting orange juice when I don't put
vodka in it. Sometimes, I feel like I'm wasting orange juice when I
use it to chase vodka shots. The first happens in the morning, the
other at parties.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I'll admit it. When I use a public restroom I don't wash my hands.
Why? Because all I touched was my dick and I'm sure the chick I was
with last night cleaned that a lot better than the janitor cleaned
When I'm drunk I park in the handicap zone. I don't even feel bad
about it because aren't those spots for people who can't walk
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
I want a girlfriend with no feet. I know that sounds insensitive,
but at least I won't have to take her dancing.
Who are you looking for?
This helps us know who to show you on OkCupid.