"How do escape artists get married?"
"They untie the knot."

"What sort of machine does every boat need?"
"A row-bot"

"What objection did the elephant bring up in court?"
"That's irrelephant!"

1. These are some jokes that I came up with.
2. They're bad on purpose.
3. I was mostly sober at the time.
4. I will not apologize.

Signing up for dating sites and failing to write witty things about myself. I'll totally do that, eventually. Maybe. See also: Schrodinger's profile.

More accurately:

*Writing books, and then deleting them.

*Teaching myself the cello, and wondering if learning to play a fretless instrument is a sign of self-loathing.

*Accumulating knowledge and debt. (via Mechanical Engineering)

*Daydreaming more than is probably polite to admit.

*Buying books, and being slightly concerned that I own more of them by volume than everything else combined.

*Making CYOA games, and then drinking my sadness away because no one plays them.

*Living in Northwest Portland, and trying to figure out what I can do to convince my friends to move to this side of the river.

*Going to the gym, while wondering why I'm the only person there with a beard.

*Pretending that I didn't get an overpriced art degree, then waking up and seeing it there on the wall - mocking me.

*Building rockets, and being disturbed by the fact that they never seem to come back down.

*Using Google Translate to talk to my many foreign friends, and then apologizing for the horribly inappropriate results.

*Engineering a better tomorrow, while being slightly mystified about today.

...and more!

Thinking of great things to write when I'm nowhere near a computer or pad of paper.

Oh, and raising my right eyebrow dramatically. It is with some consternation and amusement that I recently noticed how much more wrinkly that side of my forehead is now. Old age strikes again!

I have wicked cool scars, and I sound like I'm in the mafia.

This is why I don't try to pick up dates at the bar - I'd have to lean in real close to be heard, and then it would seem like I was asking for protection money rather than delivering a smart-ass pick up line.

All of the books. Except for Atlas Shrugged, and maybe that one on my shelf that's in French. I don't know what it says, but the font is atrocious.

Since music seems to be important to a lot of folks, here ya' go (in anagram form):

Fatal-Gin, Plied Ox Teeth, Jeans Vests Fun, Yarn Dolt, A Wholly Shiny Beret, Train Mother, A Statue Chisel, I Rust A Pan - and more!

The six things I could never do without - volumes 1-6, with a forward by Emmy Noether.

You, me, that guy over there with the funny mustache, Friskers the cat, the waitress, Richardo, and everyone and everything else in-between.

...and wondering how it is that everyone on OkCupid is stunningly attractive, artistic and accomplished. If this site is any indication, my peers spend their week in the following way-

Monday: Work at awesome job that they love.

Tuesday: Go windsurfing, kayak back into town.

Wednesday: Build orphanage for African children, get lunch in Paris, return to teach class in just-built orphanage.

Thursday: Go out and party with all 307 friends, take crazy cool photos showing how fun they are. End evening with coffee and serious conversation about meaningful topics with few close friends that mean everything to them.

Friday: Climb Mt. Everest, get home in time to see favorite band.

Saturday: Volunteer for cause they feel super passionate about, decry how superficial everyone else is. Teach dog to do awesome trick. Practice Mandarin, Guitar, and Yoga.

Sunday: Spend morning taking more photos showing how super genuine and attractive they are, possibly with fake mustache. See favorite sports team, finish thesis on gender issues while sipping coffee on Hawaiian beach. Update profile to say they only want a "real man".

My actual Friday night is on Wednesday, since I generally do my volunteering during the "weekend". Yeah, I'm fancy like that.

I'm also usually doing my best to appreciate irony and self-contradiction.

I've spent way too much time adding explanations to my match questions. Hooray for carpal tunnel!

I also have an incurable disease that has massively (insert expletive here) my existence. No, I am not contagious and I am also not likely to die anytime soon. It's just there, like a really rude house guest that generally makes life a bit more difficult, and then occasionally throws a tantrum and wrecks the sofa.

Please Note: If I rated you with 4-5 stars it does not mean that I want to date you. All it means is that you seem like a person of quality with an abundance of coolness.

Please do not message for a date if the following applies:

1. You know more about your favorite band than most other things.
(Music is great, but seriously...)

2. You have a tiny dog in one of your photos.
(Yes, I do discriminate.)

7. You are highly religious.
(I don't really want to have a threesome with you and god.)

13b. You are a hipster
(Although I'm glad you exist. Seriously guys, you're fantastic, and I think it's really adorable how hard you're trying. Keep it up!)

ñ. You abhor lists and are allergic to sarcasm.

pi: Yes, please?

If you just want to be friends, then all of the above is totally ok by me. I'm always looking to meet cool people. Do you like playing board games? Coffee and conversation? Debating things like society, economics, politics, baking? Staring contests? Did you read a book sometime this decade? Let's chat.

*Note: My images are deliberately photoshopped. This is my not-so-silent protest against the fact that the vast majority of photos on this site are fake, or at the very least are highly non-representative. So hey, why not show myself frowning like hell while standing in front of an ascendant Mars? It's about as accurate as that one showing the ripped dude holding a surf board, hair tousled just-so, a roguish smile on his lips, with the background slightly blurred out while he strides confidently across the sands of Boca Raton.