On the alt dating site
the women's profiles pithily pronounce,
feminist or fuck off
and must love animals
Many of them list Bukowski
among the authors they admire
in the box for books
In my summary I say
I like funny stories and mysteries
Joyce loved his lover's farts;
Did Joyce start fights that Hemingway finished?
Did Hemingway ever meet Orwell?
Or was his gas too earnest?
Was it because his mother dressed him up in pigtails?
I wrote many clever things
to many clever profiles
responding with categorical
One said that
What I'm Doing With My Life
was "chipping away at the old ego"
and I thought that so clever -
so clever I sent her my Id
Another gave me a surge
(her screen name
highlighting her redheadedness)
with this wire:
"Well, I'm more into Jung
than Freud." She was
making reference to my message,
which touted a T-shirt
made for a friend:
"Freud Loves MILFs,"
But with a heart symbol instead of love.
A shirt, a joke, of which I was proud,
until she peeled it like a carrot,
adding, "And Hemingway's a red flag."
I was so joyed to have a response
from this impish candy, I replied:
"Yes, that is me: pompous, didactic, arrogant
via compensating for something,
so pick you up at 8 pm on Friday?"
"Can you take a hint, Hemingway?"
"Hemingway could, but your man Bukowski
beat his wife and wrote cheerily about rape,
as if it was just horses dying at the race track;
See, he was too much of a Nice Guy for virtual dating."
This poem is dedicated to Eric, who had this experience his first week on OKcupid. These relationship people become single and they forget what it's like out here. Godspeed.