40 Toronto, Ontario, CA
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My self-summary
The gal in the red hoodie is just a friend. I don't usually wear that blue bandanna from my third profile pic. My bandanna is reserved for running, 80s break dance contests and online dating profile pics. It is not part of my formal or casual wear. I will not embarrass you in public with my bandanna; I will embarrass you in other ways.

I am widely considered to be the master of the single entendre.

Yes, I have an umbrella in the colours of rainbow sherbet.

Physical description: Large mammal, 6'2 - 200 lbs; eats bamboo shoots and pizza; powerful hind quarters. Part pack mule, part polar bear, other parts unknown.

I am looking to meet people who are either fun or intellectual/introspective and aren't too aloof to laugh.

My beliefs are very important to me:

I believe in jazz hands & spirit fingers.

I wish every day was Halloween, and I often behave as if it is. (See profile pics).

I don't want to time travel, I want to bring time to me.

Looking back, nostalgia is my only regret.

I grew up in a wood shop in the Junction area in Toronto; I've lived most of my adult life in Parkdale, now I am going back and forth from Toronto to Mile End/Plateau area in Montreal a lot. I work from home, hence my geographic flexibility. Was just on Manitoulin Island for a while.

Yes, the wood shop thing is true.

My Dad used to say, "Don't burn your bridges." So I started napalming them.

Then I burned down his wood shop.

I hate the smell of sawdust in the morning, or any other time of day.

I know, you LOVE the smell of sawdust, but you didn't have to live in it.

Is this too dark?

I am naturally contrarian (inside my head), and I am quietly annoyed by cliches. But maybe it's a blessing in disguise!

Seriously, I'm not always serious.

Not only am I pro choice, I often tell my friends having children, it's never too late!

I am willing to meet people just to have fun. And I've met a lot of people on here who were very fun and up for a good time, but I am also looking for a relationship if the right person comes across my radar. But not just with anyone who fits my application requirements, we have to have chemistry, too: we should both have carbon, oxygen, hydrogen, nitrogen. Or it's just not going to work if one of us is not human.

Now I feel guilty about my chauvinistic, human-centric xenophobia as expressed above. Sorry, I'm only human.

I am anti-stalker.

I think jealousy is kinky. And that's the only use I have for that emotion.

It would be great if I meet someone who realizes that I am by far the most modest person in the entire world. Gets irony. Likes analyzing creative ideas using reason, realizing that they function together in spite of what that mollycoddled limp-dick Wordsworth says (just kidding, Wordsworth, you're cool). It would be nice if this someone is passionate about narrative art (in the broad sense) and/or ideas. I withdraw from people who have unresolved anger problems that get dumped on others. However, I don't mind introspective, unresolved existential anxiety; that's worldly and sexy, and I suspect those who scoff at it have small souls. There, I said it.

Most of the women's profiles I read seem to talk a lot about how active and busy they are. I'm mildly active and sometimes busy, but I'm prone to lounging with a book. If you require someone who runs from the gym to the office to night school and only slows slightly to gulp down a Kale shake, then I'm not for you. You can be like that, but just know I don't drink kale.
What I’m doing with my life
writing in my soul ledger

spanking ideas

working on wording

reading self-righteous and boring dating profiles


bicycle riding

sculpting my ego

eating in bed

poking fun at cliches



using my unquiet mind for good, but never evil...unless...


lying about exercise

OK I was lying, I do exercise
I’m really good at
Writing insane messages to gals on OKcupid, to narrow down who appreciates my sense of humour

reading body language

opening jars



Teaching you the mansplaining

reading and writing words


feeling sorry for the most despised people

Arguing (mostly with myself)


mercurial speech


story telling

sniffing out lies

using ice cream metaphors to describe genitalia

telling the truth even when I don't want to
The first things people usually notice about me
my sparkle
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food

Stinky CHEESEcake

Pizza (with CHEESE)

Most foods with CHEESE or stink in them

I always spell CHEESE in caps

Fruit that is %30 thawed, %70 frozen

I only drink Brawndo - it's got what plants crave (electrolytes)

There is a restaurant on Ossington in Toronto that named a poutine after me. When they told me this all I said was, "Does this mean I can have it for free?"

Lately I'm reading a lot of books by women with female, first-person narrators. Secretly I am hoping this will help me understand women. I guess it's not a secret now. Just read Men by Julia Kipnis, hilarious and insightful essays on male folly.

Felisberto Hernandez, Beauvoir, Anne Sexton, Milan Kundera, Amy Hemple, Byron, Orwell, Michel Houellebecq, Julie Hecht, The Guilt Emails (By my Mom), Dostoyevsky, Paul Auster, Quine, Saul Bellow, Arendt, Wittgenstein, Lynne Trusse, Spinoza, Ian McEwan, Will Self, Marx (Groucho and his brothers Karl and Engels - actually my favourite Marx is probably Patricia who writes for the New Yorker), Jorge Luis Borges, Umberto Eco (especially his essays), Sartre, Dorothy Parker; Scrooge McDuck comics.

I like reading literary essays by great fiction writers about other great fiction writers. Here's an example. Tolstoy wrote abusively of Shakespeare, Orwell wrote harshly of Tolstoy's writings on Shakespeare (and Auden) in another essay; Rushdie attacked this essay by Orwell, which was attacking Tolstoy attacking Shakespeare.

NYT Review of Books

I have the movie poster for Happiness over my sleigh bed,
makes for joyful tobogganing

The Secretary
Annie Hall
Glengarry Glenross
Apocalypse Now
The Affliction
The Big Lebowski
Miller's Crossing
Pretty In Pink
Land & Freedom

& most movies by these directors: Mike Leigh, Lars Von Trier, Woody, Ken Loach, Charlie Kaufman; Cohen brothers; David Lynch. Kitschy action-sci-fi (ie., Paul Verhoven); Ken Loach

TV, I must admit I don't invest much in, except for the news satire shows, which I heart. Plus The Wire & the Prime Suspect with Helen Mirren. Curb your enthusiasm. Louie. Brooklyn 99 has been making me laugh lately, but I hate and am simultaneously flattered when they steal my jokes.

Patti Smith, The Clash, The Talking Heads, The Deadly Snakes, Gordon Lightfoot, Louis Armstrong, Iggy Pop, Leonard Cohen, Etta James, James Brown, Nick Cave, Nirvana, Lou Reed, Glenn Miller, Miles Davis, Etta James, Jelly Roll Morton, Kid Ory. Classical music.

The six things I could never do without
my girthy book collection



breaking rules
I spend a lot of time thinking about
desire & fantasy as the driving reality of existence

constructs that are leveraged as facts





doing it

The influence of madness on art

What if people had liked Hitler's paintings more before he decided to get into politics?
On a typical Friday night I am
Fantasizing about giving a tour of the contemporary world to a famous literary person from history. "So, you see, George, everything you predicted came true...Do you prefer I call you Eric?"

Eric/George: "The North part of Korea has become a necocracy? Why didn't I think of that? It's Bigger Bigger Bigger Brother!"
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
The word I most commonly misspell is "masturbate," which I often spell "masterbate," because I always think of the word as making reference to the act of a single master, as in, "Master Bates, your hand is waiting for you in the boudoir." Why, you ask, am I writing that word so often that it qualifies as my most commonly misspelled word? Kind of a personal, don't you think? Try to have some decorum, you Philistine.
You should message me if
You want to have a snow ball fight.

You want to flirt.

You want to call people out for their macho delusions.

You don't think the role of discourse is shaming people who are willing to take the time to politely disagree with you.

Your major conversational topics are not the same as everyone else female that I meet (yoga, dietary habits).

You think a date should be fun. (Please don't ask me what my "goals" are. I will likely say, "to go on a date that's not like a job interview." And I don't want to be rude).

You only lie when you're joking.

You want to ride bicycles and crunch the leaves with your tires.

You want to go to a used book store.

You want to spend an entire day just eating everything in St. Lawrence Market/Atwater Market/Jean-Talon Market/Kensington Market.

You are considerate and are aware of people and how they function as more than an extension of yourself.

You don't think this profile is obnoxious, although that's probably a fair comment.