I've got a lot of stories to tell. Most of them are totally ridiculous. All of them are absolutely true. I'm somewhat of a writer.

When I went to college, I worked at a liquor store. The owner was a racist Korean woman in her mid-fifties. She was hilarious. Admittedly, I stole quite a bit of liquor from the store.

I think there should be litmus tests for accessing the internet and having kids, as most people are too stupid for either of those things.

That being said, I'm pretty stupid, myself.

I work full-time at a boutique creative agency as a copywriter. I play a lot of music, too. I'm currently working on a memoir of sorts and writing music with several different projects. I like being productive and I'm uncomfortable if I'm not creating something.

I can turn a phrase, spin a yarn, and write a song.

I'm also pretty much the Michael Phelps of substance consumption, though I don't really do too much of the hard stuff anymore.

I'm also really good at Jeopardy—like, crazy good. Play me sometime.

If I'm wearing a t-shirt, people tend to notice my tattoos. I'm also really skinny, so I suppose people might notice that about me.

I just finished Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy and I read Gatsby for the first time only a few weeks ago. I was an English major in college and consequently, I've got too many "favorite books" to list. Faulkner is probably one of my favorite authors, though.

I think my favorite movie is probably Animal House. Mall Rats is pretty far up there on my list, too. I'm also secretly terrified I'm doomed to live out John Cusack's role in High Fidelity.

I love Mad Men—but then again, who doesn't? I can probably quote most episodes of the Simpsons, seasons 1-12, from memory.

Musically speaking, I'm into a pretty wide variety of genres. I used to play a lot of classical and jazz, so I'm with it if you can talk Coltrane or Stravinsky. These days, I tend to gravitate towards indie-pop, singer-songwriter, and Americana-tinged stuff.

Good friends, whiskey, my guitar, my laptop (or some apparatus with which I can write), fun times, and feeling free.

Oh, and meth. I can't go without meth.

I try not to think too much, as I've heard it's one of the leading causes of diabetes or, as I like to say, "die-uh-bee-tuss."

cRuNk!!1!~*~*

I mean, probably having a drink with friends—maybe getting into a bit of trouble.

I can't roll joints or blunts—it's my one great shame.

I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm a walking, talking cliché.

I have, on more than one occasion, called JG Wentworth, because I get long term payments and I need cash now.

-You're passionate about something—anything.
-You can handle your liquor.
-You're adventurous.
-You're articulate.
-You're vulgar.
-You can make jokes about the following things: apartheid, the holocaust, abortion, physically/mentally handicapped people, China's "One Child" policy, AIDS, Joseph Kony/child warfare, etc.
-You don't take yourself too seriously.
-You take yourself super seriously.