Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
Parts of this profile are ridiculously outdated. I'm working on
rewriting it, but in the mean time, this will have to do.
I once had to write a bio for a literary reading
to which I'd been invited. This
is what I sent them:
"I was born in a secret government laboratory in the Utah desert in
1947. I was the product of research looking to weaponize whimsy
. I own a crescent
wrench, but can't seem to find it when I need it. I am made of
candy; mostly licorice and marzipan. I was recently published in a
literary magazine, but am often at a loss for words when it comes
to talking about myself."
Suffice it to say I try not to take myself too seriously. I'm
hoping someone will someday.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
I'm a temp. This is no time to be picky about work, and I actually
landed a decent job. I also spend a lot of time mentally
criticizing your spelling, punctuation, and use of pronouns, but
nobody pays me for that.
Eventually, I'm going back to school to get that degree in
linguistics I've been meaning to get (it's rare that I hear a
language I don't want to learn... coughfinishcough). Catching
leprechauns and wishing for the degree doesn't work; they are far
too sneaky for me and might not actually exist.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Useless talents: I can say in eleven languages "I am the Cheese of
Death." I can bend one of my fingers and both of my thumbs all the
way back. I juggle, I sing, I used to act, I know all the words to
the French national anthem
and I never lose at Trivial Pursuit
I am good at putting things off until it is too late.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
My height. Unless I'm laying down, in which case, my length.
I'm told I have very nice teeth and eyes, and the eyes are better
than ever now that I've had them burned with lasers. And the teeth
are the work of orthodontics. Come to think of it, my best features
are the artificial ones.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
Books: Since November of 2010, I have been very slowly trudging my
way through the Autobiography of Mark Twain
. I also enjoy reading:
, Judith Martin
, and classic
dislike the later works of Stephen King.
Movies: Most people say they like movies
, so I need different words for my
appreciation of film
I make a point of watching dozens upon dozens of movies every year,
and I try to see all the Oscar
-nominated movies before the
ceremony, including the short films. I like Hitchcock
, Thoroughly Modern
, Charlie Kaufman
, Dave Foley
, Gene Kelley
, and too
many to list
dislike Michael Bay, Nick Cage, and the short films of Bill
Plympton. I have mixed feelings about Guillermo del Toro
Music: I sing in a men's chorus
, but I don't really get excited
about music. I have nothing against music, but nothing much for it,
either. Most of the music I own and listen to was recorded before I
was born. I have more Broadway
cast recordings than I like to
Food: It goes in the mouth
. That's all I know. It'd probably be
easier to list the foods I know I don't like, but that might just
come across as being too negative
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
1. A sense of humor
- You have one, too.
methods - This is important. I'm sure you're nice and everything,
but horoscopes and energy fields are a deal breaker for me.
3. A creative outlet
4. A good pair of shoes
- Camping's nice,
except for all of it. (Ed. That's a lie. I've come to enjoy camping
recently, but I do still appreciate a city when I see one.)
6. Technological wonders of the modern age - See above.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
ty responses to
everyday questions. I don't get much done, but at the end of the
day, I have some good zingers, just waiting for the setup.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
...at home, watching tv or a movie, with my feet up and a drink in
I don't get out nearly as often as I'd like to, but I'm perfectly
content not to go out. One of these days, I fully intend to go to
the opera. Not sure which, since I don't know a damn thing about
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I have some unusually flexible joints. Ask me about
Also, I looked at your pictures before I read your profile. I know
I'm not the only one who does that, but I feel shallow for it.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
...you'd like to hear about the Carol Channing
Principle. It's a
little theory about film that I developed a few years ago.
...you have a good
lightbulb/knock-knock/a-man-walks-into-a-bar/blonde joke to tell
me. Or if you have a bad joke to tell me. I have no objection to
dirty jokes. I am, in fact, all in favor of dirty jokes. There are
presumably no children here, so have at it.
...you want to hear my favorite
...you can write a half-decent limerick.
Who are you looking for?
This helps us know who to show you on OkCupid.